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5 Troubles of Having a Big Family

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Having a family of your own is one of the best feelings in the world. Holding your little rug-rats till they eventually grow older is the other best feeling as a mother. If you would have told me in middle school that I was going to be a mom, I probably would have laughed in your face and said some obscured line. If you would have told me I was going to be a mom of three mini-sized Tasmanian devils then I would have probably ran the other.

However with the best feelings in the world, come the problems and obstacles! I never knew raising three children would be one of the hardest tasks I would ever have to face on a day-to-day basis. It is worth it but can be troubling at times. For those who have even bigger family numbers, I applauded you! I would not be able to handle being in your shoes for a day.

I have come up with 5 problems to having a bigger family. None of these are to scare you out of having a big family, by all means the more the merrier!

Space/Clutter

When having a bigger family space becomes an issue. From the living room being converted into the play room to no longer having your own room. Here at the H. household we are a family of five! Even in a two bedroom apartment we are often cramped for space. My living room looks like a war zone of toys that was made by tiny elves. Organization becomes key when having a bigger family, however I lack at the thought of organizing toys! Clutter is another thing that comes with having three pint-sized human beings. Mom space becomes their space!

Alone Time

Having one child is easy, it takes little effort, in my opinion. You can do so many things and be alone for a while; you can take a nap when they nap, you can have a cup of tea and breath, or even shower in privacy! When I had my oldest I was able to do things by myself! Now having three I can’t even make food with out all three of them at my feet like tiny dogs. I won’t even get started on alone time with your better half, we have maybe one date night a month because we don’t get time alone. Our alone time is at eight at night while watching Netflix as we pass out from pure exhaustion.

Can I Super Size That?

Having a bigger family eventually means upgrading to bigger things. Not all items need upgrading but most things you will have to super size it. Example  your car is one thing that is a needed upgrade. Our previous car was a Kia Rondo. It isn’t huge but isn’t as small as a four door Honda Malibu. When I became a mother of three plus the dogs I found it extremely cramped and had to level up my car. I now own a Toyota Sienna, that’s right a mom van. Never in my life have I ever wanted a mom van, but that is the prognosis of having a bigger family.

You also have to Super Size your pantry and fridge capacity. If you have boy’s you know why, if not well lets just say having a bigger family means more mouths to feed. We now have to feed seven mouths (fur babies too), three of which are boy’s! I run out food faster than running out of cloths to wash.

Sorry I’m Late

I use to be a very punctual person! I would arrive to work an hour before my shift started, be on time for birthdays, and never miss a time frame. Now trying to get three deaf little humans to get their butts in gear has made me become less that punctual. It is very rarely that I show up on time for things. I am either ten minutes behind or calling saying that we will be extremely late. Hot mess moms know this trouble!

Asking your children to put shoes on turns into you becoming Godzilla and yelling the question. My family wonders why my daughter has two mismatched socks, it’s because I would rather get out the door and her be alive then worry about the color of socks she happened to find. This also falls into super sizing and space, but shoving all the kids in the car is another problem for being late. One always has to pee right after you buckle them, you have to ask if they are all still buckled when starting the car, and by the time you start to dive off you realize someone forgot their shoes after asking seven thousand times to put them on!

“You have your hands full!”

If there is one thing I can’t stand its strangers having the need to make comments about your rather large family size. I don’t get it as much anymore unless the children are acting up in public but I know it happens behind my back. When I had my youngest I was twenty-two, I always got “Your too young to have three!” or “You sure do have your hands full!”.  Yes having three unruly children can be a handful at times I already know this you don’t need to point it out. As much as I try to appreciate the comments I don’t need a stranger telling me that I have my hand full. What are my hands full of exactly? Is it the endless energy that I wish I could contain and use or is it the fact that they are actually playing with each other despite me saying don’t be so rowdy in public?

But let me tell you something about all these reasons

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Having more children to raise is hard work but it is worth the undeniable and unconditional love you get in return. Having three kids to love is beyond fulfilling even in the worst of times. Yes they make me want to pull my hair out, yes at twenty-four I have started getting grey hairs but at the end of the day my three Jedi’s loving me is the best feeling in the world. They don’t care about the lacking space, the being late or all the other reasons. They care about loving us and us loving them.

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Motherhood & Anxiety, My struggle Part: 2

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About a month ago, I shared my struggle with depression. Today I am going to talk about another difficult struggle of mine that really affects my life and every aspect of it.  ANXIETY. I know I had problems with depression at a younger age, but I didn’t know I had anxiety until just a few years ago when I had a full blown anxiety attack for the first time, which by the way are horrible and nothing like I’ve ever felt before… I’ve had many panic attacks since my first one.

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What I struggle with:

Constant worry.
I constantly worry about everything. I will literally make myself sick over something that I think needs to be solved right now. I worry about problems and things that happened in the past. I also worry about what my future will be like (More than a normal person should), to the point where I start to degrade my present self and life for not being further I guess you would say.
Insomnia.
I get maybe at most, 5 hours of sleep a night. I am always exhausted and always want to sleep, but can’t. My mind just races a million miles an hour when it’s time to go to bed. When I finally do get to sleep, I wake up every couple of hours or so with a racing heart. Not being able to sleep has really worsened my depression.
Anxiety attacks.
These are the worst! The best way I can describe what one of these feels like is, it’s like you’ve lost all control of your emotions… it feels like you’re so overloaded  with emotions that you become numb and would do anything to feel something.
During an anxiety attack, you hyperventilate… Not being able to breathe when you are freaking the hell out is terrifying! Trying to catch your breath when you are balling your eyes out seems impossible. You can’t think past the sadness or wrong that got you to this point in the first place.

imageedit_11_3821388956Last week, I was upset about something and I was driving on the freeway… I kept thinking that nothing was going to change (The thing I was upset about) and that I was going to live with this sadness forever…Which sent me into an anxiety attack WHILE ON THE FREEWAY DRIVING. That was horrible.

Trembling & racing heart.
Sometimes my anxiety will come out of no where for no obvious reason… One day I was sitting outside at work and out of no where, I started to feel really anxious… I started shaking and my heart started racing and I was having a hard time breathing. 

Nothing is more terrifying than battling with your own mind everyday. – UNKNOWN

You know, I’ve been told by multiple people including family, to “Just control my emotions… get a grip… lighten up and to control what bothers me…” I’ve had people tell me that I’m overreacting and that I’m acting crazy. First of all, these things are really, REALLY hard to hear. Second, Yes, I know this seems crazy, but I’m not acting and third, if I could just get a grip and control my emotions, don’t you think I totally would?! You think I like feeling this way?! You think I like constantly worrying about everything?! HELL NO. I’m having anxiety just writing this right now.

imageedit_16_4140208702This affects my daily life and those who are in my life. It affects the things I do and how I react to things. It’s even worse when you have kids. Moms are paranoid about their kids right off the bat but having anxiety makes us 10 times more paranoid. Trust me when I say, if I could just turn this off and act normal, I would, in a heartbeat. I don’t understand why anyone would think people with anxiety would just act like this for fun. This is a miserable way to live. I never understood anxiety really until I knew what it truly felt like and now, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

You cannot recover from anxiety by just staying calm. You cannot recover from depression by just being positive. You cannot recover from anorexia nervosa by just eating more.

If mental illnesses were that simple, we wouldn’t be struggling in the first place.  – UNKOWN

 

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Motherhood and depression, my struggle.

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My regular followers may have noticed that I don’t post as nearly as often as I use to… There’s a reason for that. This reason isn’t an easy thing to talk about let alone blog about for everyone to read, but I have decided that I should in fact blog about it because I want my blog to be an honest one. You know, un-sugar coated like how life really is.

My depression has been such a struggle for me lately. I’ve struggled with depression since my early teen years and it’s gotten worse over the years, but I’ve managed to handle it and keep it under control… until recently… My depression has been so significant that most the time I feel like I lose who I am.

Here’s what I struggle with.

Loss of appetite: This is the number one sign that everyone recognizes when they know something is wrong with me. Everyone that truly knows me, knows my love of food. I hardly eat one full meal a day anymore, and the things I really love to eat, I don’t have a taste for anymore.

No motivation: Literally, I have little to no motivation to even shower, let alone be the mom I know I have to be. I’ve been putting everything off, which is not something I normally do. I am normally an organized, on time type of person.

Exhaustion: Every form that exhaustion comes in, I have it. Physically, mentally and emotionally. No matter what I do, I feel like this. Even if I slept a decent amount, I still feel like this. This affects every aspect of my life.

Always wanting to sleep: I know I can’t sleep as much as I want because I’m a mom, but the WANT for sleep is heavy. I feel as though sleeping is a temporary escape from constant sadness that I carry.

But not being able to sleep: It doesn’t matter how exhausted I am, how drained in every way possible that I am or how much I just wan to sleep, come night time, I can’t. This probably has to do with my anxiety.My brain’s shut off switch is non existent at night, I guess.

Loss of contact with everyone: This is probably  the worst one for me, honestly. I know I have people who understand what I’m struggling with and who are 100% there for me, but it just seems better and easier to not burden anyone, so I just push everyone away. Once I do this, I feel alone and it’s the worst feeling ever when struggling with depression.

Loss of interest in things I love: I stopped doing the two things that I absolutely loved doing. I use to feel a sense of accomplishment when I would take photography or sew. I haven’t sewn in about 8 months and haven’t done photography in about 6 months. This goes along with the whole no motivation thing.

Effortless things seem difficult: Just getting out of bed is hard. Picking out something to wear is hard. Simple things that are easy, feel hard to me.

Depression is being color blind and constantly told how colorful the world is.

These are just some of the things that I struggle with on a daily basis. Being a mom with depression like this is hard and really devastating. I don’t have motivation most the time to even chase my toddler around. I use sit in Averie’s room, in her little chair and play with her and I’ve found myself doing that less and less. The worst part is that my sweet 2 year old recognizes that something’s wrong with me and tries to make it better.

My depression affects everyone around me, not just me. It’s devastating to see my loved ones affected by something I am struggling with.

If any of you are feeling this way on a daily basis and you feel like it’s getting worse, please, seek professional help. This is something I’ll be doing this week.

 

This was a very hard post for me to write. It took days to write and then days more to actually post.

jessie