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Protect your energy

It’s been a long while since I’ve blogged about anything. My life got crazy to say the least. I got pregnant and had a baby boy in May which I’ll be writing about soon.

Being an empath can be hard

Lately I’ve been really trying to focus on my own energy and trying to protect it because of all the negativity that’s been in my life lately. Being an empath, tension and negative energy affect me on a deeper level. I take in what everyone else is feeling and projecting to the point where I physically get sick.

There are downfalls

Downfall about being an empath is I take on what others are feeling like they are my own feelings instead of just feeling empathy for others. I sometimes can’t help but to do this, especially with the people that mean a lot to me. I want to be there for them because I know what it feels like to be alone and need someone there, so I always try to be that person, even though it can negatively affect me.

When to get help

I finally started seeing a therapist like 5 months ago on a weekly basis for my mental health and at our last session, I talked to her about all the drama and tension that others keep bringing to my life and how it’s affecting me and she said that I need to set boundaries to protect my energy. When I told her that it’s hard for me to not be there for people that are hurting or going through something, she said, “How are you going to be any help for them if you’re not in the right state of mind because of all the tension you take in?” She’s right.

I’m being distant for my own good

I’ve been distancing myself from everyone. I’ve been trying to protect my energy. I have to set boundaries to protect my energy. I realized that when I don’t set boundaries to protect me, I am physically and severely mentally affected by it. My moods also change to the point where I don’t even know who I’m looking at when I look in the mirror… I will shut down completely and I can’t do that because my kids need me.

Sorry, not sorry. I need to protect me

To those who haven’t heard from me in while or haven’t seen me in a while, it’s nothing personal, I just need to protect me.

Take my survey!

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PTSD Awareness month-It’s real even if you can’t see it

As I have stated before, Mental Health is very real, even if you can’t see it, it’s there. In honor of PTSD awareness month, you will hear the story of my boyfriend, Scotty Rayburn who suffers from PTSD.

PTSD is REAL

  1. When were you diagnosed with PTSD?
    Approx March of 2018 is when I was diagnosed with PTSD
  2. What caused your PTSD?
    The October 1st mass shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada.
  3. How has being diagnosed with PTSD affected your life?
    It has affected it in many different ways: Lack of sleep, constant paranoia, depression and panic attacks.
  4. If you had one piece of advice for someone who also suffers from PTSD, what would it be?
    To talk about it and not to hold it in. Ask for help.
  5. What can someone do to help you with your PTSD?
    Just be around and listen, don’t try and force me to do something. Just knowing someone is there helps. Just knowing you understand helps.

His Story: *TRIGGER WARNING*

On October 1st 2017, I was working as a bike security officer for a casino on the strip. I was doing a patrol around my facility when I hear what sounded like fireworks. A concert was going on, the route 91 harvest festival was on the other side of the building, so I thought they were just celebrating. Then I hear over my radio, There is a active shooter.”  That’s when I rode as fast as possible to get to the other side of the building to see what was happening. When I got there, I noticed there were hundreds of people running past me, yelling at me to turn around and run because there was a shooter chasing them. I couldn’t turn around, I had to continue to help people even though I truly wanted to hop in my car and run, I couldn’t. I went as far as the gate that was knocked over, to help grab whoever I could. I was not aware of where I was or what I was doing, I was just doing whatever my brain was telling my body to do. I remember helping people back into the building, guiding people to a safer location while bullets were hitting the ground around me, and the building near me. After the majority of people were in a safer location, I ran inside. What felt like hours, was only minutes. I start cutting clothes and boots off of people to use as tourniquets to help keep them from bleeding out. The whole time I heard people throughout my casino, yelling through the radio that they need help helping people also. I provided an escort for the police to a room where I got a call stating someone was shot in the head, and was losing a lot of blood. I escorted police and ambulance to him, and when they opened the door, I saw the swelling on his skull where the bullet or shrapnel entered. They took him to get help and told everyone else to stay back. His wife was screaming and crying, so I pulled her out to go with me. I figured he needed her and she needed him, for I would want my wife in that situation. I called my fiancé at the time, and said to her, “There is an active shooter. I have to evacuate people. I love you, I got to go.”  The whole time while trying to fight back tears, I felt that could have been the last call I ever made. At that point, the shooting had stopped to my knowledge. So, we started getting everyone into one giant room to start conducting a more thorough triage on them. My phone was ringing the whole time, but I was to busy to answer to my mom, dad or sister calling over and over to get ahold of me. After that night, I felt I had to stay strong and make people think it’s alright, and that I’m fine. I was battling every day, trying to figure out what happened, what did I do wrong? Did I help anyone? Did I run? The night was a blur for me. On January 30th, in my hotel of the casino I worked for, I was on lunch and I got a call stating someone wasn’t breathing and that they needed help. I ran as fast as possible to get to the room to help. There was a man laying on the ground and his brother who stated that he had called 911 and then fell over. So, I check his pulse and he was breathing, but very faint. The ambulance was on their way. Because he was still breathing, I did not start CPR. I was completely untrained at that time for that kind of situation because my job didn’t train for this.  When the ambulance got there, they immediately pronounced him dead. He started gasping seconds before they got there. I was stuck in the room when they ripped his clothes off and started CPR and injected steroids into his shin. I couldn’t take my eyes off the situation for I felt this couldn’t be real. My boss had to turn around and he never once came into the room to help me, he stood outside. That was the second step into my PTSD. I kept working and acting like nothing was wrong, but knowing I had a guy I didn’t know, die in my arms was eating me up along with the months of fighting off my thoughts of the shooting.

Fast-forward to Superbowl Sunday…I was watching the Superbowl because my team, the Eagles were playing the patriots. My team won and I got super happy but then felt really weird. Little did I know then, but it was my first sign of anxiety ever. The next day, I worked a 7-hour shift. When I was logging in an item at work, I felt dizzy, faint, and weak. I couldn’t stand or talk or even grip anything. I radioed my boss and told him that I needed help. They called an ambulance and after the paramedics arrived and took my vitals, they said my blood pressure was 210 over 125 and took me to the hospital. After hours, the doctors told me that I was fine to leave. So, I went back to work, grabbed my stuff and went home. I went back into work the next day feeling fine. I smoked a cigarette and then walk into the office because I started feeling weird again. My boss looked at me and asked, “Are you alright? Your eyes look super dilated and you look really pale.” They called an ambulance again and the paramedics took me to the hospital, just to be told the same thing I was told yesterday. So, for weeks my boss tried to work with me, but like every group of people, they get tired of seeing someone getting help where its needed and not them. So, I continued to work and fight through it, but my boss told to me that he will not be working with me because I was upsetting others. He told me that he was tired of hearing it and that if I called out, missed work, or left early, I would be getting write ups. So, I asked his boss to get me papers for workers comp. I spent weeks fighting them to get me workers comp papers. I eventually got the papers and then was sent to therapy. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and paranoia, so they put me on anti-depression medication. I started taking them for about a month, but I was in a relationship with my fiancé who kept telling me to just get over it and that she doesn’t understand how I can let this beat me and destroy me like it was.  I ended up confiding in alcohol while I was on those meds to see if that would help me feel even more numb. I ended up cheating on my ex because of it. I told her what I had done and we split up. A few months later, I was still drinking every day while on the same meds. I felt like a robot or a zombie, and I loved not caring or worrying about anything. I felt like I wasn’t hurt anymore, I felt like I was fixed, but I was very toxic and angry to everyone else and wasn’t aware of how I was treating others. My family kept saying I needed to get over it because they didn’t understand what mental health meant. I heard it so many times that I eventually snapped and told them that I’m leaving. My mom grabbed me and hugged me while she cried. She said that my eyes changed colors that day and she felt an energy that wasn’t her son anymore. At that time, I owned a firearm and made an unconscious decision to drive home while drunk to retrieve my firearm. I called a few people and told them I was going to kill myself in front of my dad. I wanted him to watch so he can see me get over it. I wanted to end the pain. I wanted to stop feeling pain, anxiety and depression every single day. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be whole again. I drove probably close to 100 plus miles an hour to get back to my house to do this. My brother who I had called, told my mother to call 911. I pulled up in the drive way and my sister was standing in front of me crying. I chambered a bullet and put my gun to my head and said, “Get away from me sis! I don’t want you to watch me do this!” She walked away crying and freaking out. I was told later that I said, “Richard, come outside! You want to watch me get over it so, let me show you how.” Richard is my Father and he didn’t respond. I walked to my car really fast and sat in the driver seat double checked that I had a bullet in the chamber and when I go to get up I heard, “Get out the vehicle with your arms up.” I then saw an easier way out… I thought that maybe if I showed them my gun, they would just end my misery for me. I go to stand up to put my plan into action and I heard my sister yell, “Don’t shoot my brother!” as she hit the ground, screaming and crying. Because of her, I snapped back to myself. I threw my gun on my seat and stood up and obeyed the police. When I turned around, I saw 20 plus cops with all their guns drawn on me. I got cuffed and put into the back of a cop car. My family told them what I went through and what happened and why I was suicidal and because of that, I got a medical arrest. I didn’t go to jail but I did spend a week in a hospital doing nothing but thinking. I suffer from anxiety every minute of every day and still don’t know how to cope years later. I have noticed pain in areas of my body I have never even felt before. I cry a lot now. I go to hospitals for the pain I have and get told that I have nothing wrong without even being checked because of my mental history. I get told that I’m fine with minimal help, every single time. I lost my free ride to college and I lost $30,000 because my ex used it all before, we split. I lost my job, my house, my animals and my ex fiancé. I have slowly been learning how to cope again, but I have faith that I will be able to feel whole again and that I will be close to normal again. I spend most of my time focusing on helping others now that I am aware of what is wrong with me. And to be honest, I wouldn’t change my story one bit because, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, so I’m glad it was me that it happened to and not someone else. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. I love you, and hope that this makes you realize that you aren’t alone. Ask for help like I did and don’t ever feel like you aren’t enough, because you are.

What I saw and what I thought:

Back in September of 2018, I was sitting in my living room with my kids and I see red and blue lights flashing on my walls. What I saw when I looked out my window affected me in a way I can’t explain. I saw my neighbor, Scotty with a gun to his own head and about 10 cop cars surrounding him. The only thing I thought was, “That boy needs someone, he’s hurting bad.” I found out later that he was having a panic attack due to his PTSD. Fast forward to a few weeks to a month or so… I officially met Scotty when he walked into my garage. That’s when he told me his story about what caused his PTSD. I literally went inside and cried for him. The thought of someone going through that much mental pain and trauma was hard to even think of. I just wanted to hug him.

Mental Health is VERY MUCH REAL

Like I have said many times before, Mental Health is a serious thing. It needs to be taken more serious. This picture was taken during one of his panic attacks. You can literally see the mental pain and sadness in his face. This is such a heart breaking photo and I cried when he showed me. Being an empath, I pick up on EVERY emotion, even through photos and I felt every emotion he felt just looking at this picture.

How you can help someone with PTSD

Just like any mental health issue, you don’t want to tell them what they need to do. Just be there for them and LISTEN. Ask them how you can help, sometimes they won’t know what they need and that’s when you just need to say, “Well I will be here for you every step of the way, I’m not going anywhere.” They NEED to know that they have someone who isn’t going to pity them and just be there for them. They NEED to know that you understand that they are mentally hurting and that they can’t always control it. Mental illnesses can make it seem like there is something medically wrong with you as well. It can make you feel like you are having a heart attack, breathing problems, and even a stroke. You need to just be there and listen, don’t tell them they are crazy because they are actually feeling these things. Be their support. Listen and just be understanding.

Mental health isn’t always physically visible so don’t judge or assume

This was a really hard post for me to write because I have been put down for my mental illnesses and it hurts more than anything because it’s not something I can control at all. It’s a constant, tiring fight between me and my brain. Scotty has been told to “Just get over it” after the traumatic event he went through… This is the number one thing you should NEVER tell someone who is mentally struggling. One of the biggest reasons why this was a hard thing for me to write is because, he’s my person. He is who I am suppose to be with. I can feel it in my soul. So many WHAT IF’S run through my brain. What if I didn’t have him?
Scotty is such a caring and very protective person with such a huge heart. He always worries about how other’s are doing and feeling over worrying about himself. My soul connected with his and all of a sudden, everything finally made sense. Words cannot describe how happy I am that he walked into my garage that day.

Please, if you are struggling mentally, seek help. Talk to someone. The world is better with YOU in it!

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I was told to “Just be happy”

I really wish people would do some research on mental health and what it does to a person. I was told once, “Why can’t you just be happy?” Like if I could just be happy don’t you fucking think I would be?! Do you think I am just choosing sadness and depression? Um, NO. I wouldn’t choose this nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. Battling with your own brain is by far the worst.

I was asked once, “Why do you post so much sad shit on Facebook?” Oh gee, I don’t know, maybe because I’M FUCKING SAD, Lisa! Did you even ask if I was okay?! No? Then don’t talk to me about the sad shit I post. Move along little doggy.

Someone asked me if I was okay once and when I responded with an honest answer, which was “No”, their reply was, “You should seek professional help.” Okay, this is like the last thing you want to say to someone when they tell you they aren’t okay. If they tell you they aren’t okay, more than likely it was hard to even tell you that. When you tell them to go get professional help, it’s basically saying that you don’t want to listen. Most of they time, all they want is someone to listen and just BE there for them, no advice.

Do your research people, don’t be ignorant

I cannot say this enough, MENTAL HEALTH IS VERY REAL AND IT REALLY MATTERS! Do your research so you don’t hurt someone who is already hurting. You have no idea what battle they are fighting within themselves.

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9 ways your toxic partner is negatively affecting you

In a relationship, you are suppose to build each other up, not tear each other down. You are suppose to grow together and be able to count on one another. Do you feel like you are trapped in the idea of how a relationship should be and not actually in a real relationship? Here are some signs that your significant other is more toxic than than beneficial to your health.

Your social skill have changed

You use to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone. You use to be able to find a common interest with anyone.

Now, you barely talk. You aren’t that chatterbox outgoing person that you were before because now you fear saying the wrong thing. You fear that what you say will be misinterpreted. You fear that your significant other will think wrong about what you say to others.

You feel drained in every way possible the majority of the time

You have little to no motivation left for anything, not even something as simple as taking a shower. You are running on a 1% and anything feels like a demanding task. You just feel empty.

They have literally rid your soul of it’s will to go on…

Restful nights are completely non-existent

You don’t remember when the last time you went to bed happy and actually slept. You are up all night wondering what you did wrong earlier that day. When you finally do fall asleep, it usually comes with tears and anxiety.

Being with someone toxic who is slowly dragging you down means that your life is surrounded with a scary amount of negativity, which prohibits you from being able to sleep peacefully

Your toxic significant other is affecting your sleep and now your health to a scary degree.

You have lost a lot of friends

You find yourself making excuses to not go out with your friends anymore. As much as you want to, you also don’t want to be accused of doing something wrong by your significant other. Your friends don’t recognize the person you have become and tell you how worried they are about you often, but you are too afraid to tell them how you feel, because you are afraid of what your significant other will think if they found out.

You notice that less and less friends even call you anymore to invite you out.

Your significant other is literally isolating you.

Worry has become your best friend

You constantly worry and have anxiety about everything. Literally everything. You worry so much that you make yourself physically sick over it. You feel like your whole day was wasted and filled with anxiety

You feel your anxiety taking complete control, but you have no emotional or physical energy to address it.

Your physical and mental health has plumeted

You feel unwell most of the time. You always seem to have something wrong. You always find yourself in the emergency room or doctor’s office.

You just don’t feel like yourself anymore, and just want everything to end because that seems easier.

They are literally draining your health to the point where you NEED to depend on them.

Disappearing feels like the only option

You feel like you are stuck and can’t get out the the toxic cycle you are in, so ‘disappearing’ seems like the only logical solution.

You feel like no one will miss you anyways, so why not.

They have have literally sucked all the self worth you use to have, out of you.

You constantly question yourself

Even when you haven’t done anything wrong, you blame yourself all of the time. You blame yourself for your significant other’s actions. You also blame yourself for the reason why they don’t show you the love you show them.

You honestly feel like you did something so horrible to make them not love you…. Even though you know deep down that you didn’t…

They are able to manipulate you into thinking whatever they want you too think, when they want you to think it.

You always feel like something is missing in your life

You feel like your life is always incomplete, like there is something missing, but you don’t know what. You feel like nothing will get better.

As much as you want things to get better and you want to fill that void, you have no idea how.

You need to reach out

I am here to tell you guys that I really know how you feel. That sound cliche, but I have been where you are and it’s hard. Beyond hard, but you can get out of it and find yourself again.

You are worth more than your significant other is making you feel. You are important and you matter.

I know it’s hard, but you need to find that strength you once had to leave that toxic relationship, because it’ll only get harder if you don’t.

You need to trust your gut and act on it, not ignore it. You have more strength than you realize, you just have to find a support system to help you remember that.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please please please reach out to loved ones or call the National Suicide prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

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I know it’s hard, but you can do it

“This is a story all about how my life got, flipped, turned upside down…”
Yes, I did quote Fresh Prince of Bel Air, because that show is life! If you haven’t seen that TV show, then you must live under a rock or something…

Anyways… So, I am getting a divorce. Yes, I am okay and no, I am not okay. I am okay, because it needs to be done. I have to be able to live my life to the full extent without living in sadness. I am okay because I now know my strength and I know this is right for me. The reason why I am also not okay is because the last 6 years have damaged me to the fullest extent. Things have happened that I have to remember for the rest of my life, like the utter feelings of dread and sheer sadness. (I will not being going into grave details of what happened in the last 6 years because it’s not necessary for anyone to feel hatred or sadness for me or my soon to be Ex. Trust me when I say, I have felt enough of that.)

I was in a very toxic relationship for the last 6 years and even got married knowing how toxic it was. I was belittled, verbally and mentally. I was used and taken for granted. I was betrayed and lied to, but worst of all, I lost my self confidence and self worth and even at one point, I wanted to die. I knew how toxic it was and I stayed…. I gave this person so many chances to change and every single chance I gave, they blew them, but I stayed anyways. I felt unloved, unwanted and like I could never make someone happy. I relied on another person to make me happy and that’s the biggest mistake I ever made. I let someone dictate my life and happiness which is why I felt like I could never leave…

I started going to Utah a lot to spend time with my only Grandma and she helped open my eyes to reality. She made me realize that happiness comes from within and if you don’t have happiness in yourself, you don’t have anything really. I did a complete 360. I made the choice to finally leave the toxic life I was living for so long, knowing it would probably be hard and that I would probably have moments of vulnerability. I realized that I was only staying because it was in some sense, easier. Which is true, in some aspects, but taking the easy route meant misery and regret and why would I want to continue to live my life that way? I DESERVE to be happy. I DESERVE to be happy for my daughter and she deserves to see her mom happy.

Are you in a toxic relationship?

Do you feel like you are belittled, manipulated, used and just feel unloved by the person you are with? Has this person hurt you to the point of losing yourself and your confidence? Has this person lied to you countless time to the point that you don’t feel like you believe anything that comes out of their mouth? Have you given this person multiple chances to change and no change has happened? Then you need to leave. I know it’s hard and you feel like it would be easier for you/ your children if you just stayed and dealt with it, but you DESERVE happiness too. REAL happiness. You need to teach your children that it is not okay for someone to treat another the way you are being treated. You think they don’t see it, but you are wrong…. They see it… Sadly, my daughter and my two step kids have seen a good percentage of what was done to me. I wish I would of left sooner before it go to the point of them seeing anything… I have to live with that everyday.
Yes, people make mistakes, but is it really even a mistake anymore if it’s always happening? No, it’s choice at that point and then manipulation.

You are worth more than you think!

I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life because I was too scared to leave. 6 years I won’t be able to get back! 6 years that I could of been truly happy. Don’t make the same mistake I did and stay over and over because it seems easier. You may not think that’s why you are staying, but why would you even think about leaving in the first place if it weren’t? Change is scary but living 10+ years not truly happy is even more scary. I missed out on so many opportunities. I lost a lot of friends, best friends too. I lost respect of a lot of people and I brought the toxicity into my families lives…

It’s not okay

No kind of abuse is okay. Even though I was never physically abused, I was severely mentally and emotionally abused and these kinds of abuse can sometimes be worse than physical abuse… All abuse is wrong though and you should not settler for it.

You got this, I promise

I have been where you are at. I know the feelings you are feeling. I know… You have so much strength inside of you that was hidden away. You just need to realize it and find it again. You got this. You may not know it yet, but you got this. You will eventually find that strength and change your life. That hurt you feel will eventually fade away and you’ll realize, “Fuck this shit. I’m a bad bitch and I deserve better than this.”

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I chose happiness

For as long as I can remember, I have been unhappy and I had many reasons…. I never blamed myself for my unhappiness, but now I realized that I am totally to blame because I chose to be unhappy. Yes, awful things happen to everyone and those things might make us sad or angry, but to continue on with those feelings instead of letting them go is entirely up to us.

I allowed others to control my happiness

I grew up very unhappy because of my little brother. He was the worst to grow up with. He was (and still is) very abusive. He hit me, lied to get me in trouble, stole and broke my things and even chased me around our kitchen table with a butcher knife. Being a little kid, it’s really hard to control our happiness in situations like this, but I chose to keep that unhappy feeling in my adult life when I could of just let it go because he is not in my life now.

I am known to fall for and stay with guys that are not right for me and treat me like garbage. I am also known for giving multiple chances to those who have hurt me over and over even though I am unhappy with the situation and person. I let it go so far that I lost my self esteem and my sense of self worth. I chose the path I chose and made myself unhappy instead of just letting go of what was hurting me. I chose to endure the pain and suffering and blamed my unhappiness on those who hurt me.

My happiness is my choice

I chose the paths in my life even though they were mentally killing me. I am to blame for my unhappiness because I did not rid my life of the negativity and toxic people. Yes, people do shitty things, unforgivable things, but that is something they HAVE to live with, you don’t because you can let it go and move on knowing you have a kind heart.

Happiness is a choice that you have to make and not depend on others to give you and that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all my life, but now I know that happiness comes from within and I choose to be happy no matter what.

A bit of advice

You should never let the fear of change or being alone keep you from making yourself happy. It never works out if you look for happiness in things other people. You need to have happiness in yourself. What I have learned from the choices I made was how strong of a person I actually am and how I don’t need someone to make me happy.