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I know it’s hard, but you can do it

“This is a story all about how my life got, flipped, turned upside down…”
Yes, I did quote Fresh Prince of Bel Air, because that show is life! If you haven’t seen that TV show, then you must live under a rock or something…

Anyways… So, I am getting a divorce. Yes, I am okay and no, I am not okay. I am okay, because it needs to be done. I have to be able to live my life to the full extent without living in sadness. I am okay because I now know my strength and I know this is right for me. The reason why I am also not okay is because the last 6 years have damaged me to the fullest extent. Things have happened that I have to remember for the rest of my life, like the utter feelings of dread and sheer sadness. (I will not being going into grave details of what happened in the last 6 years because it’s not necessary for anyone to feel hatred or sadness for me or my soon to be Ex. Trust me when I say, I have felt enough of that.)

I was in a very toxic relationship for the last 6 years and even got married knowing how toxic it was. I was belittled, verbally and mentally. I was used and taken for granted. I was betrayed and lied to, but worst of all, I lost my self confidence and self worth and even at one point, I wanted to die. I knew how toxic it was and I stayed…. I gave this person so many chances to change and every single chance I gave, they blew them, but I stayed anyways. I felt unloved, unwanted and like I could never make someone happy. I relied on another person to make me happy and that’s the biggest mistake I ever made. I let someone dictate my life and happiness which is why I felt like I could never leave…

I started going to Utah a lot to spend time with my only Grandma and she helped open my eyes to reality. She made me realize that happiness comes from within and if you don’t have happiness in yourself, you don’t have anything really. I did a complete 360. I made the choice to finally leave the toxic life I was living for so long, knowing it would probably be hard and that I would probably have moments of vulnerability. I realized that I was only staying because it was in some sense, easier. Which is true, in some aspects, but taking the easy route meant misery and regret and why would I want to continue to live my life that way? I DESERVE to be happy. I DESERVE to be happy for my daughter and she deserves to see her mom happy.

Are you in a toxic relationship?

Do you feel like you are belittled, manipulated, used and just feel unloved by the person you are with? Has this person hurt you to the point of losing yourself and your confidence? Has this person lied to you countless time to the point that you don’t feel like you believe anything that comes out of their mouth? Have you given this person multiple chances to change and no change has happened? Then you need to leave. I know it’s hard and you feel like it would be easier for you/ your children if you just stayed and dealt with it, but you DESERVE happiness too. REAL happiness. You need to teach your children that it is not okay for someone to treat another the way you are being treated. You think they don’t see it, but you are wrong…. They see it… Sadly, my daughter and my two step kids have seen a good percentage of what was done to me. I wish I would of left sooner before it go to the point of them seeing anything… I have to live with that everyday.
Yes, people make mistakes, but is it really even a mistake anymore if it’s always happening? No, it’s choice at that point and then manipulation.

You are worth more than you think!

I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life because I was too scared to leave. 6 years I won’t be able to get back! 6 years that I could of been truly happy. Don’t make the same mistake I did and stay over and over because it seems easier. You may not think that’s why you are staying, but why would you even think about leaving in the first place if it weren’t? Change is scary but living 10+ years not truly happy is even more scary. I missed out on so many opportunities. I lost a lot of friends, best friends too. I lost respect of a lot of people and I brought the toxicity into my families lives…

It’s not okay

No kind of abuse is okay. Even though I was never physically abused, I was severely mentally and emotionally abused and these kinds of abuse can sometimes be worse than physical abuse… All abuse is wrong though and you should not settler for it.

You got this, I promise

I have been where you are at. I know the feelings you are feeling. I know… You have so much strength inside of you that was hidden away. You just need to realize it and find it again. You got this. You may not know it yet, but you got this. You will eventually find that strength and change your life. That hurt you feel will eventually fade away and you’ll realize, “Fuck this shit. I’m a bad bitch and I deserve better than this.”

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I chose happiness

For as long as I can remember, I have been unhappy and I had many reasons…. I never blamed myself for my unhappiness, but now I realized that I am totally to blame because I chose to be unhappy. Yes, awful things happen to everyone and those things might make us sad or angry, but to continue on with those feelings instead of letting them go is entirely up to us.

I allowed others to control my happiness

I grew up very unhappy because of my little brother. He was the worst to grow up with. He was (and still is) very abusive. He hit me, lied to get me in trouble, stole and broke my things and even chased me around our kitchen table with a butcher knife. Being a little kid, it’s really hard to control our happiness in situations like this, but I chose to keep that unhappy feeling in my adult life when I could of just let it go because he is not in my life now.

I am known to fall for and stay with guys that are not right for me and treat me like garbage. I am also known for giving multiple chances to those who have hurt me over and over even though I am unhappy with the situation and person. I let it go so far that I lost my self esteem and my sense of self worth. I chose the path I chose and made myself unhappy instead of just letting go of what was hurting me. I chose to endure the pain and suffering and blamed my unhappiness on those who hurt me.

My happiness is my choice

I chose the paths in my life even though they were mentally killing me. I am to blame for my unhappiness because I did not rid my life of the negativity and toxic people. Yes, people do shitty things, unforgivable things, but that is something they HAVE to live with, you don’t because you can let it go and move on knowing you have a kind heart.

Happiness is a choice that you have to make and not depend on others to give you and that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all my life, but now I know that happiness comes from within and I choose to be happy no matter what.

A bit of advice

You should never let the fear of change or being alone keep you from making yourself happy. It never works out if you look for happiness in things other people. You need to have happiness in yourself. What I have learned from the choices I made was how strong of a person I actually am and how I don’t need someone to make me happy.

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I found where I belong and it ain’t in Las Vegas

I have lived in Las Vegas my entire life and honestly, I hate it. I hate how noisy it is here. I don’t like how many intoxicated people I see on a daily basis here and most of all, I don’t like that I can’t see the stars at night and that there is hardly anything green here anymore. I absolutely hate how hot it gets here. The heat and I don’t do well together.

Every since I can remember, my family and I would go visit my Grandma in Utah. Lately, I’ve been visiting more than I ever have. This past weekend, I was there and I was sitting outside around 10:30 pm, just looking at the sky because the whole sky was covered in millions of stars that I could actually see! For once, I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt actual happiness and a sense of relief. I didn’t want to go back to Las Vegas.

You would think that spending 28 years in Las Vegas, I would be use to everything here, but I’m not. I will never be use to the heat, the people, the scenery or anything of Las Vegas because I simply do not belong here. I don’t think I ever have.

Everything in Utah is prettier. It doesn’t get as hot in Utah as it does in Las Vegas and there is actually GREEN.
I’ve said I wanted to move to Utah before and I am always told the same sentence… “If you move, you won’t have anything to do there, like you do here.” Like what? Gamble? Go to clubs? Smoke weed because it’s legal? I hate gambling, I am not a clubber at all, I’ve only been to one club twice and I don’t even smoke weed anymore. The things I love to do is take pictures of scenery, paint and hide/look for rocks, and blog. I can do all those things in Utah and probably enjoy it a lot more than I do here. Besides, I want my daughter to be able to grow up in a place where she can go outside and play with no worry. I don’t have that in Vegas. I want her to grow up with nature.

My grandma has a lot of plants in her yard. She’s got 3 apricot trees, a cherry tree, pecan tree, grape vine, a pomegranate tree, a fig tree as well as many different flowers. I’ve tried to grow things here in Vegas, but they just don’t last. I want to be able to garden.

I have made a decision!

I have made the decision to move to Utah by this time next year at the latest. A few people are probably unhappy about it, but I just can’t live my whole life here in Las Vegas, it’s just not for me. I am miserable here and have been ever since I can remember. I am happy in Utah and feel like I belong there. I’ve just met to many judgmental, awful people in Las Vegas and have a lot of terrible memories, more than good ones.

Here comes some history!

This is an old winery that is on my grandma’s street. It was built in 1868 by John C. Naegle. Click HERE for full history on this winery, it’s actually pretty interesting.

This is what it looks like today. Pretty cool that there’s a piece of history right across the street from my Grandma’s house, right?

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Rainy days are my happy days

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Everyone thinks I’m strange because I hate sunny days, like really hate them and LOVE cloudy, overcast, rainy days. With that being said, it’s probably needless to say, but I hate summer time. Summer time is just absolutely dreadful in Las Vegas, and every year, I think the weather tries to top how hot it was the year before. I would be totally happy if it were rainy every single day.
It’s been cloudy here in Las Vegas for the last couple of days and I am in heaven because of it. Since it’s been cloudy, the temperature has only gotten to a high of 85 degrees, which is AMAZING!

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Here I have put together reasons why you should take a walk in the rain.

  • Typically, there are less people outside when it’s raining (except for people like me) which I love because I am not a people person. Lol
  • The air when it’s raining is scientifically proven to be cleaner, so go breath that air in!

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  • The humidity from the rain is good for your skin and health.
  • The smell of rain has a calming effect, hence why there are rain scented candles. Walking in the rain relieves stress.

Here’s some other reasons why rainy days are the best.

  • Crime rates drop on rainy days. I guess criminals don’t like to get wet…?
  • According to movies, rain is great to make out in.

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  • Rainy days gives you a reason to stay inside with the door open and binge watch shows on Netflix.
  • If you have grass or a garden, you don’t have to water it. Saves you money on your water bill.

See, rain is a good thang, and we all know that rain makes corn and corn makes whisky. 😉

Enjoy the rain, for we do not get the pleasure of it that often. Not in Vegas at least.  Sigh

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Moments that make parenting all worth it

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A moms job is almost always overwhelming. I say almost always because we get those moments that make parenting worthwhile. Even better if those moments happen when you need them most. These moments are what make the countless sleepless nights, the head aches, the constant messes and just sheer difficulty that motherhood brings all worth it. These moments are pure joy.

ONE:

There is no appropriate word to describe how amazing it feels to hear your child tell you they love you unprompted. Definitely one of the best feelings ever, especially when hey say it with such pure affection. This is the purest kind of love there is. Embrace these moments.

Two:

We all know the overwhelming feeling of joy our kids hit their milestones, whether it be when they take their first steps or start high school. The feeling of joy stays the same, no matter what age they are. I remember the tears of joy when my daughter took her first steps and said her first words and you best believe I’ll ball like a baby when she starts Kindergarten and high school.

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Three:

Watching your kids laugh and play with absolutely no worries in the world is simply just a priceless feeling. Their happiness and laughter are so infectious that you can’t help but smile with joy, even on a bad day. My favorite right now is when my 2 and a half year old plays with our kittens and laughs that one kind of laugh that is just so contagious that you can’t help but belly laugh too.

Four:

One thing that just melts my heart and makes me so proud is witnessing how selfless my daughter is. From day one, we’ve worked to instill values of kindness. It’s such an amazing feeling when you see your kids unfold their kindness and compassion in an act of total selflessness. Seeing this moves you to the core. My two year old will share her favorite toy or blanket with anyone in the house if she thought they needed it. Although she’s in the terrible twos stage, she’s one of the most selfless little humans I’ve ever met.

Five:

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come home from a bad, stressful day at work to my daughters screams of delight because she’s truly happy to see me. Your whole bad day is instantly forgotten about when your tiny humans love you so much that they get so excited when you walk into the house.

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Six:

There is no feeling that you get like the one you get when you see your kids being courageous. When they overcome the fear of the dark or try something they wouldn’t try before because they were too afraid, just makes you so warm and happy that you could cry.

 

Seven:

When your kids finally get something that you’ve been trying to teach them for a while, and finally just get it, is so beautiful, The look of excitement is their eyes when they finally get it, is an unforgettable look. If you could just save that look and sell it, you’d be rich. You’re over powered with how proud you are.

 

Even though parenting is hard and overwhelming, and can cause you to lose your hair and sanity, it’s moments like these that make it worth it!

 

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17 reasons why you are winning at MOMing.

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We all have days where we feel like horrible moms. Where nothing is going right and we feel like we are just failing at everything we do. Can’t seem to calm your kids down. Lunch consists of cheese and French fries. Just everything seems to be going wrong, but I am here to tell you how you are actually winning at MOMing. Here is 17 things that prove that you got this mom thing down!

  1. Giving Birth. – This alone deserves an award.
  2. Coming home with the same amount of kids you left with.
  3. Not killing someone when you receive unwanted parenting advice.
  4. Moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer.
  5. Remembering to turn the dryer on.
  6. Drinking an entire cup of coffee, HOT!
  7. Refraining from offering unsolicited advice to a new parent.200-10
  8. Getting a break that isn’t in the bathroom.
  9. Catching your kids puke in your bare hands with no second thought. This is always a mom’s first thought when their kids puke… I’m going to catch this sh*t in my hands.
  10. Not puking when you just caught your kids puke in your hands.th
  11. Showering. We can be honest here, since becoming a mom, you find yourself taking less showers.
  12. Showering alone. We hardly get to do this anymore, that and going pee by ourselves.
  13. At the end of the day, your kids are still alive. It’s hard work keeping little humans alive. Go you!
  14. You feed your kids 3 meals a day. Regardless if it’s French fries and cheese. It’s still food.
  15. Remembering to buy diapers BEFORE you run out.
  16. Despite your lack of sleep, social skills and the fact that you have no life, you didn’t run away.jfgj
  17. You actually got to eat a full meal without having it picked at by your little humans. – This is probably the rarest thing to ever happen because your food is always better than their food even though it’s the same food. So even if this only happens once in a blue moon, you are still winning!

jessie