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Protect your energy

It’s been a long while since I’ve blogged about anything. My life got crazy to say the least. I got pregnant and had a baby boy in May which I’ll be writing about soon.

Being an empath can be hard

Lately I’ve been really trying to focus on my own energy and trying to protect it because of all the negativity that’s been in my life lately. Being an empath, tension and negative energy affect me on a deeper level. I take in what everyone else is feeling and projecting to the point where I physically get sick.

There are downfalls

Downfall about being an empath is I take on what others are feeling like they are my own feelings instead of just feeling empathy for others. I sometimes can’t help but to do this, especially with the people that mean a lot to me. I want to be there for them because I know what it feels like to be alone and need someone there, so I always try to be that person, even though it can negatively affect me.

When to get help

I finally started seeing a therapist like 5 months ago on a weekly basis for my mental health and at our last session, I talked to her about all the drama and tension that others keep bringing to my life and how it’s affecting me and she said that I need to set boundaries to protect my energy. When I told her that it’s hard for me to not be there for people that are hurting or going through something, she said, “How are you going to be any help for them if you’re not in the right state of mind because of all the tension you take in?” She’s right.

I’m being distant for my own good

I’ve been distancing myself from everyone. I’ve been trying to protect my energy. I have to set boundaries to protect my energy. I realized that when I don’t set boundaries to protect me, I am physically and severely mentally affected by it. My moods also change to the point where I don’t even know who I’m looking at when I look in the mirror… I will shut down completely and I can’t do that because my kids need me.

Sorry, not sorry. I need to protect me

To those who haven’t heard from me in while or haven’t seen me in a while, it’s nothing personal, I just need to protect me.

Take my survey!

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I was told to “Just be happy”

I really wish people would do some research on mental health and what it does to a person. I was told once, “Why can’t you just be happy?” Like if I could just be happy don’t you fucking think I would be?! Do you think I am just choosing sadness and depression? Um, NO. I wouldn’t choose this nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. Battling with your own brain is by far the worst.

I was asked once, “Why do you post so much sad shit on Facebook?” Oh gee, I don’t know, maybe because I’M FUCKING SAD, Lisa! Did you even ask if I was okay?! No? Then don’t talk to me about the sad shit I post. Move along little doggy.

Someone asked me if I was okay once and when I responded with an honest answer, which was “No”, their reply was, “You should seek professional help.” Okay, this is like the last thing you want to say to someone when they tell you they aren’t okay. If they tell you they aren’t okay, more than likely it was hard to even tell you that. When you tell them to go get professional help, it’s basically saying that you don’t want to listen. Most of they time, all they want is someone to listen and just BE there for them, no advice.

Do your research people, don’t be ignorant

I cannot say this enough, MENTAL HEALTH IS VERY REAL AND IT REALLY MATTERS! Do your research so you don’t hurt someone who is already hurting. You have no idea what battle they are fighting within themselves.

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Friendships don’t mean much anymore I guess

I know, I know. I haven’t been posting as much, but I have been sick as hell off and on for the last couple of months. I have also been really battling my depression after a few events that happened, but I am back and here to stay.

Friendships don’t mean much I guess

I’ve been battling with myself about this for weeks now. I’ve been trying to talk myself into there being a logical reason why… but then I found out the truth..

When I was younger, 16 or 17, I dated this guy for over a year. We were friends for years before we even dated and remained good friends after we broke up. He’s been over with me and my ex and hung out. I’ve done photos for him and I even did a free photoshoot for him and his new wife.

He’s been in my life for over 10 years and we remained friends… So I thought, until I didn’t get an invite to their wedding. I kept telling myself that she’s probably uncomfortable with it but then multiple people told me that if she was uncomfortable with me being around him, then she shouldn’t have been okay with me doing their pictures.

I found out from someone who is also going to his wedding, why I wasn’t invited… Apparently certain family members didn’t think it was a good idea to invite me. Yeah, not taking into account that him and I have been friends for a lot of our lives and also not taking into account that I never did anything to any of them for them to dislike me so much.

Moral of the story

I did a photo shoot for my Ex and his new wife for free because I have been friends with him for over 10 years and because I was happy he found his person only to be hurt by not even being invited to his reception. I guess friendship doesn’t really mean shit to anyone anymore.

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Inside my mind during it’s darkest time

My breath becomes short…

Me body becomes numb…

Everything around me disappears in a haze…

My thoughts all come flowing in at once with no time to sort them out…

I feel nothing but everything all at once….

I’m completely numb and left with just my mind…

My mind is not in the right state…

I feel an overbearing amount of emotional and mental agony… All… At… Once…

The mental pain is too much but my body feels nothing….

The pain needs to escape my mind so I can physically feel again…

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9 ways your toxic partner is negatively affecting you

In a relationship, you are suppose to build each other up, not tear each other down. You are suppose to grow together and be able to count on one another. Do you feel like you are trapped in the idea of how a relationship should be and not actually in a real relationship? Here are some signs that your significant other is more toxic than than beneficial to your health.

Your social skill have changed

You use to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone. You use to be able to find a common interest with anyone.

Now, you barely talk. You aren’t that chatterbox outgoing person that you were before because now you fear saying the wrong thing. You fear that what you say will be misinterpreted. You fear that your significant other will think wrong about what you say to others.

You feel drained in every way possible the majority of the time

You have little to no motivation left for anything, not even something as simple as taking a shower. You are running on a 1% and anything feels like a demanding task. You just feel empty.

They have literally rid your soul of it’s will to go on…

Restful nights are completely non-existent

You don’t remember when the last time you went to bed happy and actually slept. You are up all night wondering what you did wrong earlier that day. When you finally do fall asleep, it usually comes with tears and anxiety.

Being with someone toxic who is slowly dragging you down means that your life is surrounded with a scary amount of negativity, which prohibits you from being able to sleep peacefully

Your toxic significant other is affecting your sleep and now your health to a scary degree.

You have lost a lot of friends

You find yourself making excuses to not go out with your friends anymore. As much as you want to, you also don’t want to be accused of doing something wrong by your significant other. Your friends don’t recognize the person you have become and tell you how worried they are about you often, but you are too afraid to tell them how you feel, because you are afraid of what your significant other will think if they found out.

You notice that less and less friends even call you anymore to invite you out.

Your significant other is literally isolating you.

Worry has become your best friend

You constantly worry and have anxiety about everything. Literally everything. You worry so much that you make yourself physically sick over it. You feel like your whole day was wasted and filled with anxiety

You feel your anxiety taking complete control, but you have no emotional or physical energy to address it.

Your physical and mental health has plumeted

You feel unwell most of the time. You always seem to have something wrong. You always find yourself in the emergency room or doctor’s office.

You just don’t feel like yourself anymore, and just want everything to end because that seems easier.

They are literally draining your health to the point where you NEED to depend on them.

Disappearing feels like the only option

You feel like you are stuck and can’t get out the the toxic cycle you are in, so ‘disappearing’ seems like the only logical solution.

You feel like no one will miss you anyways, so why not.

They have have literally sucked all the self worth you use to have, out of you.

You constantly question yourself

Even when you haven’t done anything wrong, you blame yourself all of the time. You blame yourself for your significant other’s actions. You also blame yourself for the reason why they don’t show you the love you show them.

You honestly feel like you did something so horrible to make them not love you…. Even though you know deep down that you didn’t…

They are able to manipulate you into thinking whatever they want you too think, when they want you to think it.

You always feel like something is missing in your life

You feel like your life is always incomplete, like there is something missing, but you don’t know what. You feel like nothing will get better.

As much as you want things to get better and you want to fill that void, you have no idea how.

You need to reach out

I am here to tell you guys that I really know how you feel. That sound cliche, but I have been where you are and it’s hard. Beyond hard, but you can get out of it and find yourself again.

You are worth more than your significant other is making you feel. You are important and you matter.

I know it’s hard, but you need to find that strength you once had to leave that toxic relationship, because it’ll only get harder if you don’t.

You need to trust your gut and act on it, not ignore it. You have more strength than you realize, you just have to find a support system to help you remember that.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please please please reach out to loved ones or call the National Suicide prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

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When I needed you, you weren’t there

This post isn’t about anyone specifically, but about every time I turned to someone, how they turned me down. I know, this seems like a downer post, but it’s to help everyone who has been turned down and to those who didn’t listen to their loved one who needed them. I will not be naming who specifically said these things.

They weren’t there when I needed them

When I was having a hard time with my relationship with my soon to be Ex- husband, I turned to my friend to vent and told her what my thoughts were and how I was feeling, which was utterly shattered. I told her I was thinking of divorce because of all the mental abuse, cheating and lying I was put through. Her response: “Divorce is a sin. You should go to church.”

I went to a family member about how I was feeling about my anxiety sky rocketing and how it was affecting my everyday life. I was having constant anxiety all the time and didn’t know what to do. Family member’s response: “Anxiety is all in your head, you can control it.”

I use to have multiple panic attacks a week. I would be in the bathroom, on the floor crying and hyperventilating and just hoping to die so the sadness ends. I just needed to be reassured that I wasn’t alone and just to have someone there with me. Instead I was told: “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you freaking out?! I am going to call the cops if you don’t stop.”

When I was struggling in all ways possible and just needed advice, I went to a family member about everything and didn’t get the advice I should have gotten. Family member’s response: “You got yourself in that situation. I don’t know how to help you.”

I was always there for everyone when they needed me, even though I knew I was being used as a last resort friend. I never turned anyone down when they said they needed a person to talk to and I never will. I don’t care if we aren’t really friends, haven’t talked in months, don’t really like each other… It doesn’t matter to me because your life matters. Your feelings matter and your health and mental health matters and if the people who should care most about you in your life don’t show you that, I will. From one human to another.

Thank you. You more than likely saved my life. I use to be in a REALLY dark place and y’all shined light into my world of darkness. You helped me realize my strength and my worth again. You’ve restored some of my faith in humanity. You’ve helped me rediscover who I am and I am more than grateful.

If you love and care about someone, then it shouldn’t be so hard to be there for them. Don’t belittle their feelings or their mental health. Mental Health Matters more than you obviously understand. Its apparent that you guys also have mental health issues if it’s so hard to be compassionate towards others. Actually LOVE your loved ones, or you may lose them… You don’t have to give advice, but you could just listen and remind them of their strength they have and how you’ll be there through every step of getting better.