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How to drive Mama Crazy in 5 easy steps: Teenager Edition.

 

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Honestly, I’m surprised that my 15-year-old step son hasn’t caused me to day drink yet! I swear, anything I say to this boy goes in one ear and out the other instantly. Getting this kid to take important things seriously is an ongoing battle. Him doing anything his parents ask him to do when they ask him to do it seems hopeless. Here’s how this boy drives me crazy:

ONE:

Last week, I gave Dom his TV back after him getting it taken away for a while and I asked him to clean off his TV stand so he could put his TV on it because I was having the cable guy come the next morning to run cable in his room. Well, the next day, while he was at school, I go into his room to put his clothes on his bed and noticed his TV right in the MIDDLE OF HIS ROOM on the FLOOR in FRONT of the TV stand because he was too lazy to clean of the stand. I texted him to chew his ass for not doing what I asked and this is what he responded with…

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TWO:

The gross things I’ll find in this boys room will make anyone day drink…. Old dishes with some food still in them most of the time it’s cereal bowls with milk still in them. Cups or milk, cups of soda and cups pf juice in them. The nastiest thing I’ve found was a wad of gum sitting on his shelf. This was like an entire pack of chewed gum! He was too lazy to walk 6 feet to the garbage can.

THREE:

I’ll sit on our couch and reach between the cushions to find something I dropped and find my step son’s disgusting socks instead. He leaves them literally everywhere EXCEPT for his laundry basket. He spends the majority of the time locked in  his room, why can’t he take his socks off in there?! He’s got his dad’s nasty smelling feet too.

FOUR:

So getting my step son to clean anything is like pulling teeth… When we finally get him to clean something, he’ll do it half-assed. One day, I asked him to clean HIS bathroom (three times I asked I might add) and when he finally cleaned it, it honestly looked like he just moved stuff around… He cleaned part of the inside of the toilet but not the outside which was nastier than the inside. He put more effort into half-ass cleaning than he would have just actually cleaning it right. 

FIVE:

This one really drives me crazy. This kid literally eats everything. He doesn’t care who’s it is. He eats 90% of the cereal and milk, pretty much all the snacks… The worst part is that it’s within a 2 day span that he demolishes the snacks. I noticed that he’ll do this when his dad and I  are not around or asleep, so that we have no proof that he did…? I don’t know. 

 

This kid is going to make us go broke with how much we spend on groceries now that he’s in his teens. 

 

BONUS:

I decided to give y’all an extra. So, he denies anything he does wrong. He can never be in the wrong even when there’s not hiding it. He will lie and make stories up that doesn’t point to him. He blames his faults on other people and sticks to his stories even though he’s a terrible liar. He knows he’s a terrible liar and that no one believes him but he still sticks to his story. Lol

 

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SUNDAY SARCASM: My 5 year old hates my sarcasm.

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Are you guys seriously still with me? Wow. You like me, you really like me. I know I’ve been more on the serious side with my posts lately, but I’m here to tell you that the sarcastic, no filtered Mama that you all know and love is still here. Funny thing is though, I’m sarcastic everyday, not so much on here lately. Things are going to change round here!
The topic today is my 5 year old step daughter and my sarcasm. So, we all know that most 5 year old’s ask all kinds of questions. Some questions are questions that an adult doesn’t ask unless they want a sarcastic answer in return. Well… me being the sarcastic individual that I am, when I hear these kinds of questions, from 5 year old’s or not, my natural instinct is to be sarcastic. Here is a list of sarcastic responses I’ve given in reply to my step daughters questions.

ONE:

Lanaia: Ona? Do we go to bed in the night time?
Me: Don’t you go to bed every night?
Lanaia: Yeah, but are we going to go to bed in the night time tonight.
Me: Ummm… Nope! You’re going to bed right now. (It was like 4 in the evening.)
Lanaia: Noooo!! *Puts head down in sadness like I just killed her cat.*

TWO:

Me: Averie, Lanaia, you want to go with me somewhere with me?
Girls: Yeah!!!
As I go to change Averie and get her ready, Lanaia comes up to me with a sad face…
Lanaia: I want to go too! *In a whiny tone*
Me: Didn’t I already ask you if you want to go?
Lanaia: Yeah…
Me: Then why are you whining about it when I already said you could go with me!
Lanaia: *Bouncing her body up and down in a 5 year old fit.* Butttttt I wannaaaaa go with you!!! (At this point she starts to really cry
.)
Me: Ughh! Nope! Now, you have to stay here by yourself.
Lanaia: *cries louder…*
I mean, how do you not be sarcastic in this situation when you’ve already told her more than once that she can go?

THREE:

Lanaia: I’m hungry!
Me: Okay, I’ll be making you guys spaghetti in a few minutes.
5 minutes later…
Lanaia: Are you making us dinner? (As she’s literally watching me put the spaghetti in the pot…)
Me: Yes, I am. I already told you that.
Lanaia: Yeah… you did…
10 minutes later…
Lanaia: Do I get to eat spaghetti too?
Me: OMG! What did I tell you already?
Lanaia: *Stares at me with a blank expression*
Me: Now you get to eat dog food.
Lanaia: But I don’t like dog food!! It’s for for people! *Starts to cry.*

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FOUR:

It’s like 7pm and it’s shower time for the girls.
Me: Girls, it’s shower time!
Lanaia: We has to take a shower when we’re dirty, right?
Me: Um noooo… You have to stay dirty forever. No more showers for you.
Lanaia: *Looks at me like I make no sense.* But I want to take a shower…
Me: Lanaia, why do you ask me questions like that?
Lanaia: Because I’m suppose to, I’m 4. (At this time, she was sill 4.)
Me: Well, I can’t even argue with that..

FIVE:

One day, her and Averie were being so hyper and loud, bouncing around and basically acting like monkeys.
Me: You monkeys need to calm down.
Averie: Monkey…? Oooh oooh, ahh ahh!
Me: I’m going to drop you guys off at the zoo to live with the other monkeys.
Lanaia: NO! I don’t want to live there!
She then starts to seriously cry like I beat her or something…

Me: *Just stares at her.*
Averie to Lanaia: What’s wrong, monkey? Why you crying monkey? (Averie thinks She’s joking.)
Lanaia: Averie! Stop! You’re being mean!
Me: You can’t be serious right now, Lanaia! Averie is kidding with you because she thinks you’re kidding. You are acting like a baby.
Lanaia: *She hits me with her little metal purse on my knee.* STOP IT!
Me: Since you think it’s okay to hit, now I’m going to give your purse to a monkey and you really get to go live with the monkeys at the zoo now.
Lanaia: *Balls hysterically.*

It’s so hard to not be sarcastic with this girl. I mean, a lot of the stuff that comes out of her mouth asks for sarcasm. LOL. I sound like the worlds meanest step mom ever, right? Her mom teases her worse than I do, because seriously, it’s easy, entertaining and she asks for it. LOL. Half the time she just doesn’t listen to the words that come from our mouths and just automatically thinks we aren’t going to feed her or would actually give her away or something. If y’all ever get offended over my sarcasm, just remember, no one gets more offended than my step daughter.

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5 Troubles of Having a Big Family

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Having a family of your own is one of the best feelings in the world. Holding your little rug-rats till they eventually grow older is the other best feeling as a mother. If you would have told me in middle school that I was going to be a mom, I probably would have laughed in your face and said some obscured line. If you would have told me I was going to be a mom of three mini-sized Tasmanian devils then I would have probably ran the other.

However with the best feelings in the world, come the problems and obstacles! I never knew raising three children would be one of the hardest tasks I would ever have to face on a day-to-day basis. It is worth it but can be troubling at times. For those who have even bigger family numbers, I applauded you! I would not be able to handle being in your shoes for a day.

I have come up with 5 problems to having a bigger family. None of these are to scare you out of having a big family, by all means the more the merrier!

Space/Clutter

When having a bigger family space becomes an issue. From the living room being converted into the play room to no longer having your own room. Here at the H. household we are a family of five! Even in a two bedroom apartment we are often cramped for space. My living room looks like a war zone of toys that was made by tiny elves. Organization becomes key when having a bigger family, however I lack at the thought of organizing toys! Clutter is another thing that comes with having three pint-sized human beings. Mom space becomes their space!

Alone Time

Having one child is easy, it takes little effort, in my opinion. You can do so many things and be alone for a while; you can take a nap when they nap, you can have a cup of tea and breath, or even shower in privacy! When I had my oldest I was able to do things by myself! Now having three I can’t even make food with out all three of them at my feet like tiny dogs. I won’t even get started on alone time with your better half, we have maybe one date night a month because we don’t get time alone. Our alone time is at eight at night while watching Netflix as we pass out from pure exhaustion.

Can I Super Size That?

Having a bigger family eventually means upgrading to bigger things. Not all items need upgrading but most things you will have to super size it. Example  your car is one thing that is a needed upgrade. Our previous car was a Kia Rondo. It isn’t huge but isn’t as small as a four door Honda Malibu. When I became a mother of three plus the dogs I found it extremely cramped and had to level up my car. I now own a Toyota Sienna, that’s right a mom van. Never in my life have I ever wanted a mom van, but that is the prognosis of having a bigger family.

You also have to Super Size your pantry and fridge capacity. If you have boy’s you know why, if not well lets just say having a bigger family means more mouths to feed. We now have to feed seven mouths (fur babies too), three of which are boy’s! I run out food faster than running out of cloths to wash.

Sorry I’m Late

I use to be a very punctual person! I would arrive to work an hour before my shift started, be on time for birthdays, and never miss a time frame. Now trying to get three deaf little humans to get their butts in gear has made me become less that punctual. It is very rarely that I show up on time for things. I am either ten minutes behind or calling saying that we will be extremely late. Hot mess moms know this trouble!

Asking your children to put shoes on turns into you becoming Godzilla and yelling the question. My family wonders why my daughter has two mismatched socks, it’s because I would rather get out the door and her be alive then worry about the color of socks she happened to find. This also falls into super sizing and space, but shoving all the kids in the car is another problem for being late. One always has to pee right after you buckle them, you have to ask if they are all still buckled when starting the car, and by the time you start to dive off you realize someone forgot their shoes after asking seven thousand times to put them on!

“You have your hands full!”

If there is one thing I can’t stand its strangers having the need to make comments about your rather large family size. I don’t get it as much anymore unless the children are acting up in public but I know it happens behind my back. When I had my youngest I was twenty-two, I always got “Your too young to have three!” or “You sure do have your hands full!”.  Yes having three unruly children can be a handful at times I already know this you don’t need to point it out. As much as I try to appreciate the comments I don’t need a stranger telling me that I have my hand full. What are my hands full of exactly? Is it the endless energy that I wish I could contain and use or is it the fact that they are actually playing with each other despite me saying don’t be so rowdy in public?

But let me tell you something about all these reasons

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Having more children to raise is hard work but it is worth the undeniable and unconditional love you get in return. Having three kids to love is beyond fulfilling even in the worst of times. Yes they make me want to pull my hair out, yes at twenty-four I have started getting grey hairs but at the end of the day my three Jedi’s loving me is the best feeling in the world. They don’t care about the lacking space, the being late or all the other reasons. They care about loving us and us loving them.

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Why I’m a bad mom in other’s eyes.

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I can’t tell you how many people so far since being a mom has made me feel like I was a horrible mom. I know, I shouldn’t let others words hurt me, but I was a first time mom and had no idea what I was doing. I’ve learned to not let others opinions affect me that way anymore, but I thought it would be entertaining to tell you all how I am a “Bad Mom” in others eyes, which I’m sure all of you have been made feel this way before too.

I’m a bad mom because I got my kid her shots.

-Last time I checked, I pushed this kid out MY Woo Ha.

You are feeding your baby formula?! She’s going to get sick!!

A family member said this to me. Sad part about it was, I wasn’t producing nearly enough to satisfy her so I had to supplement with formula. But I am horrible because I didn’t just let her starve. Hmmm.

You’re breastfeeding still? You shouldn’t breastfeed after a certain age!

I never actually had this one said to me but I did get sh*t for feeding my kid formula. Funny how You get judged no matter what you do, huh? Ain’t that a Bi*ch?

You shouldn’t go to your baby every time she cries.

My daughter was from the age of 6 months old to a year old when I was being told this… Really…?

You should/shouldn’t put your kid in daycare.

I was told by numerous people that I should just put my daughter in daycare. for a number of reason… One being that “She needs the social interaction…” At one years old? I was made feel bad because I didn’t want to give my BARELY one year old social interaction in a GERM filled daycare center that I couldn’t afford anyways.

You shouldn’t co-sleep with your baby.

I was told when my daughter was 6 or 7 months old that she shouldn’t be sleeping in my room with me. Sometimes she slept right next to me on my bed or in the swing next to my bed, WHICH IS NONE OF ANYONE’S DAMN BUSINESS ANYWAYS.

Well, my baby was doing this at that age, so yours should be too.

First off, just because your kids did/does this, doesn’t mean my kid is ready to. You do realize that they are 2 TOTALLY DIFFERENT kids, right?

You shouldn’t give your baby a pacifier, it’s bad for them.

See, I agree with this to a certain extent… There is an age when the pacifier can do more damage to your child’s teeth than it does to comfort them. My daughter had a pacifier from when she was born which she didn’t really start using until she was like 5 months old, until she was 2. Anything past that age may impair their speech.

Your kid shouldn’t watch T.V. this young.

Bologna. My kids intelligence has a lot to do with what she’s watched on T.V., thank you very much.

There are many more, but you get the point.

Don’t let these kinds of comments affect you. Remember, it’s YOUR child. YOU know what’s best for YOUR child. Being a new mom and not letting these kinds of comments affect you is hard, but kids trust your instincts. Mom-mode comes natural. You got this. If anyone does say these things to you, just say, “Don’t you have a kid? Go make that decision for your own child.”

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SUNDAY SARCASM: De-cluttering the easy way.

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Tired of cleaning up after everyone in your house including grown men-children? Tired of finding dirty underwear in places they don’t belong? Tired of finding dirty, horrible smelling socks in the kitchen? Are you just tired of the overall nastiness that your family likes to live in? I have some solutions that’ll help make cleaning & de-cluttering easier.

Clothing on the floor.

  • Like I said in a previous post, just shove all those dirty clothes back in their dressers; either spray them with fabreze or stick one of those tree car air fresheners in there with them. BAM!
  • Throw them in the garbage. No clothes at all means no clothes on the floor. But just incase they find them in the garbage…
  • Burn them. Just burn em’ all. They can keep warm by the fire of their burning clothes. Problem solved.

Sink full of dishes.

  • Put all the dirty dishes away as if they were clean; one of two things will happen. One: They will end up washing the dishes themselves, or two: They’ll use the dirty dishes. Either way, you don’t have to clean a damn thing.
  • Get rid of the dishes. Accidently break them all.
  • If you have expensive dishware, and don’t want to toss them, hide all the food. No food, no dirty dishes.

Clutter everywhere.

  • Sell your families stuff. Just sell it all.
  • Put all the clutter in your toddlers room. It all ends up in there anyways, right?
  • Add all this clutter to the fire of clothes.

Always obtaining clutter.

  • Did you get a gift from someone that just contributes to your clutter? Just give it to someone else as a gift. No longer your clutter.
  • To keep from obtaining more un-wanted clutter, for birthdays and holidays , just take one of your old items and re-gift it. You can do this with your young kids too, they won’t even notice.

Dirty bathroom.

  • Clean small corners and toilet with your families toothbrushes. Look, killing 2 birds with one stone. Your toilet is detail-cleaned and when they use their toothbrushes, their mouths will be cleaner than ever because of the leftover from the toilet.
  • Hide all the towels but one and leave in the bathroom. They’ll either all keep using that one towel or wash it. Either way, not your problem because you get to use all the other towels.

 

If all else fails, I have one over-all solution that will save your sanity from the dirty, clutter in which you live in… Move to another house… alone.

I’m not going to lie, I honestly thought about doing some of these. I live with 3 guys and one of them being a teenager who doesn’t mind the stench of his own nasty smelling feet. On a good note, my 2 and 4 year old love to clean with me. My 2 year old hates to be dirty. She loves to get dirty but hates to stay that way for long.  I knew these 2 were going to be my favorites.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

 

P.S. This is my 100th blog post. Thank you to everyone who has followed me from the beginning and who actually reads my stuff. You guys are awesome!

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SUNDAY SARCASM. Handling Toddler Tantrums.

Toddler tantrums are fun, right? Especially when they decided that PUBLIC is the best place to have one. I have a few tips for you all on how to handle said tantrums.


Tantrums at home:

  • Hide. Just take some wine and hide in a closet.
  • Give them sleepy nighttime cough medicine. Hello Naptime.
  • Turn the music up really loud. If you can’t hear them screaming, there’s no problem.
  • Stick them in a closet.

Tantrums at the grocery store:

  • Leave them in the toy isle and continue shopping.
  • Take a friend shopping with you and then leave her with your toddler.
  • Or, you can leave them with the cashier and claim you have forgotten something and you’ll be back real quick and then walk to the complete back of the store.

Tantrums at church:

  • Claim they are possessed.
  • Just tell yourself and everyone who is judgmentally staring at you that your toddler is just so excited about God.
  • Get buzzed before church so you won’t really care too much if they do throw a tantrum.
  • Hand them to anyone there. No one is going to say no when they are in church.

If all of these fails, just throw a tantrum right along with your toddler. People are already staring at you guys anyways-why not give them something to really stare at?


*Sarcasm intended*