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Let me tell you bout my mama

I’m not the best at picking out guys, I’ll admit. I’ve gotten hurt by pretty much all of them… I remember what the hurt felt like from everyone of them, but what I didn’t realize until I became a mom was that it wasn’t just hurting me…

My mom was right by my side though EVERY hurt I experienced. She was there through every trial I went through. When I cried, she did to.

16 year old me

When I was in my teenage years, I was dating someone who was very verbally abusive and he was always yelling at me. One day when we were in my room, he’d yelled at me and punched a hole in my wall and my mom was the first one in the room to threaten him.

Early 20s

I remember once shortly after I first moved out and into my own place, I was really having a hard time with a guy I was dating and just needed space, but he followed me for days. He followed me to work, was there when I got off and even followed me to friends houses. My mom said, “Just come over and stay here for a while, he won’t get past me.”

My adult life

About 5 years ago, I called my mom after I had gotten into a fight with my boyfriend at the time. I was telling her how ugly and unloved and just unnecessary I felt and she told me that I needed to get dressed and put my makeup on and she’d be there to pick me up.

My last relationship was a train wreck that literally shredded every good thing about me to pieces. This was the hardest relationship of mine for my mom to watch, but she was there from day one of it and still is even after I told him I wanted a divorce. She didn’t once tell me I was stupid for staying (even though I know she was thinking it), but she never left my side when bad things happened even though she knew they were going to happen.

This woman

My mom has seen the absolute worst of me. When I say worst, I mean like she wouldn’t let me drive and wanted to take me to the hospital kind of worst. She was there when I mentally wasn’t. She held me when I wanted to just die. She picked me up NUMEROUS times and didn’t let me just fall. She has been my rock in ALL of my hard times. She’s been my support in so many ways and still is…

One time when she was crying with me, I asked her why she was crying and she said, “Because my daughter is hurt and when you’re hurt, I hurt for you.” At the time I didn’t really get it, but now being a mom, it makes perfect sense.

I don’t think she really knows what it means to me to have the constant love and support that she’s given me. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be alive.

Love you Mama.

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Toxic relationships can cause PTSD.

Someone told me once that you can’t get PTSD over a toxic relationship.

WRONG. Yes you can. Oh boy can you!!

I’ve dated some real ass holes (pretty much 90%of who I dated). I’ve been physically abused, mentally abused, emotionally abused and verbally abused…. All of that is trauma… And what is PTSD associated with?! TRAUMA people!

Do you know what all of that trauma did to me?!

It shredded my confidence to pieces. It made me feel worthless and completely unlovable. It even made me feel ugly to the point where I wanted to die.

I’m no longer in a toxic relationship, but do you know how all that trauma had affected me today??

I am TERRIFIED of dating. I’m terrified of getting to know someone. I’m terrified of ever finding interest in someone ever again because what comes with that is getting to know them which I’m terrified of!! Certain songs, movies, and even smells will bring back an awful memory and trigger a panic attack.

Want to know the absolute worst part of it all?!

Even after everything I went though, I still have feelings (yuck). Not feelings for anyone (Because anyone I’ve come in contact with has given me a reason why I should just be single the rest of my life), but the kind feelings of just wanting to be happy with someone. It’s a constant battle between my heart and my brain.

Toxic relationship can cause PTSD amongst other mental health problems.

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It’s honestly scary how another human can change you

I’m about to get real personal right now because this full moon got having the damn feels…

I’m sad… Not because I’m getting a divorce anymore… Not because I was cheated on, or belittled, but because I’m different now.

What made me, ME before, isn’t what makes me now… I was open, optimistic, and and undamaged. Today, I’m resentful, bitter and so beyond damaged that I wouldn’t even make it to the clearance shelf.

People have always told me to not let anyone change who I am, but when you give a piece of your soul to someone, a piece of YOU, to someone, it’s impossible to not give them that power to change you.

I thought after I mourned the loss of my “relationship”, I would feel better, even just a little bit, but I don’t, because I’m still mourning… I think a lot about how I use to think before, how I felt before, and how I lived before and it’s not easy to realize how much a person changed you for the worst…

I hate the way I am. I hate that I don’t look at love the same way that I use to. I hate that I’m so resentful. I hate that I have no trust anymore. I pretty much hate this me that I am right now.

Time to heal.

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I was told to “Just be happy”

I really wish people would do some research on mental health and what it does to a person. I was told once, “Why can’t you just be happy?” Like if I could just be happy don’t you fucking think I would be?! Do you think I am just choosing sadness and depression? Um, NO. I wouldn’t choose this nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. Battling with your own brain is by far the worst.

I was asked once, “Why do you post so much sad shit on Facebook?” Oh gee, I don’t know, maybe because I’M FUCKING SAD, Lisa! Did you even ask if I was okay?! No? Then don’t talk to me about the sad shit I post. Move along little doggy.

Someone asked me if I was okay once and when I responded with an honest answer, which was “No”, their reply was, “You should seek professional help.” Okay, this is like the last thing you want to say to someone when they tell you they aren’t okay. If they tell you they aren’t okay, more than likely it was hard to even tell you that. When you tell them to go get professional help, it’s basically saying that you don’t want to listen. Most of they time, all they want is someone to listen and just BE there for them, no advice.

Do your research people, don’t be ignorant

I cannot say this enough, MENTAL HEALTH IS VERY REAL AND IT REALLY MATTERS! Do your research so you don’t hurt someone who is already hurting. You have no idea what battle they are fighting within themselves.

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I want to ‘Bye Felicia’ everyone

Anyone ever just want to up and move somewhere and not tell anyone? Yeah, I’m at that point in my life.

My life has been full of drama for the last like 5 years straight. The kind of drama that seems to just follow you because there’s no way to just fully avoid it.

People keep trying to talk to me about MY business when the LAST thing I want to do is talk about it. It’s really hard to mentally deal with something when everyone won’t leave you alone about it.

I feel like the only one I can really trust 100% is my damn self. It’s such an isolating feeling when everyone you know has done something to hurt you or betray you in some way. I literally feel like I have no one to fully lean on.

One thing I know I got out of all the bullshit I’ve been through though is that fact that I’m more intune with my gut instincts and if I’ve learned anything after all I’ve been through, it would be to ALWAYS trust your gut. For a long time (longer than I’d like to admit), I ignored my instincts because I wanted to see the good in people… Sometimes there’s just more deceit in a human being than there is good and it took me so long to realize that.

I’m overwhelmed

I’m just overwhelmed with life and the drama that’s attached to mine, that I just want to up and move without telling anyone. I just need a break. My mind needs a break from the excessive thoughts that it creates due to the anxiety that was caused by what people did to me. I need to get a grip on my life again without people questioning me or pushing their way into my life.

This past month has been hard for me. My mind goes a million miles an hour and in all different directions. One minute I feel happy with my life and the ones in it and the next minute, I feel like I can’t trust anyone.

I just want to be able to do shit by myself without being questioned or without me worrying about how someone else feels about it or if I’m hurting someone else’s feelings.

I just need a break. Anyone have a cabin in the middle of no where that me and my daughter can escape to for a few years? Lol

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Goodbye 2019

2019 was a pretty hard year… Alright, 2019 sucked ass! I had nothing but hurt, deceit, and sickness the whole fucking year.

I was lied to by those close to me.

I was cheated on.

My anxiety worsened.

My depression worsened.

Panic attacks all over the damn place.

I was played.

I was used.

I lost trust in just about everyone.

My health declined.

I hated this year. There were some good things, of course, but the bad was more present… I remember thinking quite often, “Why me?” Why did all this shit happen to me?

I’m not perfect, but I did not do to anyone what was done to me…

HERE’S TO 2020

I let too many people in my life that were just toxic. I forgave too many people when I knew I wasn’t ready to and that worsened my anxiety. I’m not doing that this year. This year is about me and my mental health.

You do me wrong, bye.

You lie to me, bye.

You betray me, bye.

You try and play me, bye.

I’m not dealing with any of it anymore. I deserve better and so does my mental health.

Happy New year everyone. Make it a great one. Do great things, and make great memories.