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My 4 year old daughter is an empath and it scares me

As my daughter got older, I started to recognize a lot of her empathic traits. She notices things about people that other kids her age don’t. She’s very observant of others body languages and how they talk. She knows instantly just by looking at someone that they’ve had a bad day or that they are sad, especially me. She picks up on my emotions instantly.

Being an empath is a special gift

I’m an empath and super feeler and so is my mom and my grandma and now my daughter is. I love that I can pick up on others emotions by just looking at them or how they say something or even just how the breath. I love being able to feel what the feel so I can help them.

I also really love that I can pick up on someone’s energy. If I pick up on bad energy from someone I’m first meeting, that lets me know I need to be cautious. Yes, they might just be having a hard day and that’s why there’s so much negative energy, but some people are just negative people and will drain you of your positive energy.

Why my daughter being an empath scares me

Being an empath has taken a real mental toll on me. Empath’s not only pick up on others emotions and energies, they take them on and actually feel what the other person is feeling. I could be happy one day and come in contact with someone who isn’t and their energy is off and then I’ll feel how they are feeling.

Doing this for so many years of my life has worsened my anxiety and depression. Picking up on someone else’s emotions can literally cause me to have a panic attack and trust me, it has. Someone who is so negative about everything has so much tension and being near someone who has tension has literally made me throw up.

Empath’s tend to put themselves on the back burner for others needs

More often than not, empath’s will put their feelings, emotions and needs on hold to help others with theirs. It’s just what we do. The way others feel, is more important to us than how we feel.

Putting myself on hold to help others has literally caused me to have a full blown panic attack because I have all this built up emotions and feelings that haven’t been released.

I don’t want her to feel how I’ve felt

The thought of my daughter having the kind of anxiety and depression I have because of being an empath, scares the hell out of me. I don’t want her to ever feel how I’ve felt. I don’t want her to have panic attacks, especially like the ones I have. I don’t want her to feel like her brain is against her like I do.

Being an empath is a gift but also a curse.

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Guess who’s back? Back again.

OH MY GOD, I’M STILL BLOGGING. Yes, I’m still alive. I wouldn’t say alive and well per se, and I’ll get into that in a bit. I have SO MANY updates for you guys and I’m just gonna throw them all in one because obviously I can’t just do weekly updates anymore. *Facepalm*

First things first

Well, after a really hard relationship, I didn’t think I would be in or want another one, but… I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and I’m actually truly happy I decided to give him a chance to see if he was able to break down my walls, and he was.

Second, and this one’s BIG

Well… As crazy as this may sound (and it does sound crazy), I’m pregnant! This is also something I thought would never happen again. I was actually dead set on it not happening, my we’re happy about it and my 4 (almost 5) year old daughter is ecstatic about being a big sister.

What I mean by not exactly alive and well per se…

I’m only a little over 10 weeks pregnant and I’ve had “morning sickness” non stop. I mean like bad! If I throw up once, I’m throwing up the rest of the day. I have felt so sick that I couldn’t even move. It wasn’t like this with my first. I’m also having pain with this one in my hips. I’m having heartburn really early too. This one’s going to be rough. We’re hoping for a boy but my daughter wants it to be a girl.

New things

I’ve changed a lot in my life in the past few months… I kicked al the negative people out of my life and I did that before I even found out I was pregnant. I can’t deal with anymore drama and people pretending they are actually my friends.

Back in August, my car broke down for good. It is almost a 20 year old car so I wasn’t willing to put more money into it just to have it break down again, but I got a new car in September. Back in March, I quit my technical support job because I was being treated like shit. I just started my new job on November 2nd and I’m getting paid $2 more an hour than my last job!

A lot of good has happened but my mental health has actually declined…

Bang pregnant has really taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. It seems like my sad days have increased. My overall tiredness is at its max and I feel like I could sleep for weeks but my anxiety and insomnia won’t even allow me to sleep a full 6 hours.

Even though I know I have a solid man in my life who is going to stick by my side through all of this, I still have a lot of fear caused by my past. My past has left me with a lot of visible scars. There are things I thought I got past but really haven’t and it damaged me more by rushing my healing process.

Don’t rush healing y’all

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made was rushing my healing and forgiving and letting go when I wasn’t ready to. It worsened my mental health. I’ve bled on those who did not cut me because of it.

When I first started dating my boyfriend back in May, everything was going great for like the first month… Then my anxiety and PTSD from my past kicked in and I started having nightly panic attacks with flashbacks… It was every single night. I finally reached my breaking point and pretty much kicked everyone out of my life so I could try and heal with no distractions. Best decision I ever made because later I found out that the people I kicked out of my life were talking bad about me behind my back. I literally lost all trust for everyone again.

I’m not there yet…

I’m no where near where I want to be mentally but that’s the point of healing. I still have panic attacks almost on a weekly basis. I don’t sleep for more than 4 hours consistently a night and my new thing is nightmares. Yup… I’ve been having God awful nightmares that I’ll wake up feeling so scared from and can’t even talk about, which is not something that’s happened to me since I was a kid.

I’ll attempt to be more consistent

I make no promises, but I’ll try to be more consistent with blogging. Pregnancy brain is real this time around and I’m forgetting everything. It also doesn’t help that I have a lot going on on top of my mental health and where it’s at right now, but blogging has always been an outlet for me so I’m really going to try and do it more.

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Forever wearing the cloak of invisibility

Yes, I am referencing Harry Potter, but it’s fitting.

Why the cloak of invisibility, you ask?

Ever since I was little, I always felt like I was so invisible to everyone. I was homeschooled up until 9th grade, so I was pretty sheltered. When I hit middle school age, I made friends from the church I use to go to. As soon as freshmen year came, and I was going to an actual high school, all the friends I made, disappeared like I didn’t exist. This continued throughout all of high school. Friends left me, I was never included in anything with anyone, and insensitive comments were made about me.

It took so long

It took me a really long time to come out of my shell and not feel invisible only to be right back to where I use to be as an adult. I’m interrupted when I talk to most people. People will stop listening before I’m even done talking. Comments are still made that are insensitive, right in front of me like I’m invisible. People will disappear from my life after I was there for them through their hard times.

I’m kind to everyone

I’ve always been kind to everyone. I forgive when I probably shouldn’t. I’m there for people who has turned their back on me. I’m just all around kind to everyone, even those who have let me down.

Forever invisible I guess

Having depression and anxiety makes this worse obviously. I’m the kind of person that will just shut down when I feel invisible. I’ll get stuck in my own head and get lost there.

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Anxiety makes itself present even when you’re happy…

For those of you who have anxiety, you’ll understand this post completely, but those of you who don’t, I’m going to explain what I mean.

It started with the wrong person

As y’all know from previous posts, I was in a long, mentally and verbally abusive relationship for 6 years. I was belittled in every way someone could be belittled. All I remember about the relationship was having moments of being happy, or what I thought was being happy, followed by being hurt in the worst way possible. Every single time. I thought this person was my forever, so I stayed. I thought I was just crazy and being sensitive. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression like 4 years into the relationship, so I wasn’t crazy.

I didn’t get the mental support I needed

I was called crazy all the time for any feeling I had other than happy. I was yelled at and belittled during times that I just wanted to die. I was threatened during panic attacks or just straight ignored. I was looked at as crazy no matter what I did, even though I didn’t do anything that would classify as crazy.

I’m happy now, but my anxiety is worse

You’d think that my anxiety would be better since I’m truly happy, but it isn’t. In a sense, it kinda makes sense if you think about it. Anytime I thought I was happy in the past, it was followed by something that hurt me and this went on for over 6 years. I am truly happy, but my anxiety is says, “Are you really going to stay happy though? This person will hurt you too.” Part of me knows he won’t hurt me and wants to be happy with him, but the other part (Anxiety), says otherwise because of my past.

He’s different in every sense of the word.

The guy I’m with now doesn’t belittle me and make me feel crazy for having anxiety. In fact, he does the complete opposite. He helps me through my anxiety and panic attacks and understands why I have them. He even understands why my anxiety is worse now than it was before. He senses my anxiety before I even say anything about it and is right there! This is something I’m not use to so, naturally I think I’m going to end up hurt again.

He can pull me out of a panic attack

He’s the first person who has ever conquered pulling me out of a panic attack and back to myself. He literally stops what he’s doing to help me. He’s noticed patterns with my panic attacks and anxiety and he’s counteredacted them. When my anxiety gets bad and I don’t want to tell anyone, I stick my headphones in and drown out the world with music because that’s the only thing I’ve ever really had. The minute he sees that, he drops everything and grabs me. I don’t usually speak during panic attacks like this so, he found a way to speak to me. He takes my phone and puts certain songs on and sings them to me. He doesn’t take my music away, but he acts through it.

He stuffers too

He stuffers from anxiety, depression, paranoia and PTSD so, he understands me on a different level and knows I can’t control it. What gets me the most though is the fact that this man has been through some really traumatic things that I can even imagine going through, yet he still stops what he’s doing to get me back to myself. He’s stuffers more than most that I know. His anxiety is worse than most I know, yet he’s got the biggest heart than most I know, even after all he’s been through. He’s so selfless, especially when it comes to the mental health and physical health of others.

Anxiety is real and you aren’t crazy

If someone is making you feel like you are crazy for your mental health, then that human being isn’t your person. If they are belittling you for your mental health, then that human isn’t your person. If they are making your mental health worse, then that human isn’t your person! You are not crazy, even though your mental health is telling you different.

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PTSD Awareness month-It’s real even if you can’t see it

As I have stated before, Mental Health is very real, even if you can’t see it, it’s there. In honor of PTSD awareness month, you will hear the story of my boyfriend, Scotty Rayburn who suffers from PTSD.

PTSD is REAL

  1. When were you diagnosed with PTSD?
    Approx March of 2018 is when I was diagnosed with PTSD
  2. What caused your PTSD?
    The October 1st mass shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada.
  3. How has being diagnosed with PTSD affected your life?
    It has affected it in many different ways: Lack of sleep, constant paranoia, depression and panic attacks.
  4. If you had one piece of advice for someone who also suffers from PTSD, what would it be?
    To talk about it and not to hold it in. Ask for help.
  5. What can someone do to help you with your PTSD?
    Just be around and listen, don’t try and force me to do something. Just knowing someone is there helps. Just knowing you understand helps.

His Story: *TRIGGER WARNING*

On October 1st 2017, I was working as a bike security officer for a casino on the strip. I was doing a patrol around my facility when I hear what sounded like fireworks. A concert was going on, the route 91 harvest festival was on the other side of the building, so I thought they were just celebrating. Then I hear over my radio, There is a active shooter.”  That’s when I rode as fast as possible to get to the other side of the building to see what was happening. When I got there, I noticed there were hundreds of people running past me, yelling at me to turn around and run because there was a shooter chasing them. I couldn’t turn around, I had to continue to help people even though I truly wanted to hop in my car and run, I couldn’t. I went as far as the gate that was knocked over, to help grab whoever I could. I was not aware of where I was or what I was doing, I was just doing whatever my brain was telling my body to do. I remember helping people back into the building, guiding people to a safer location while bullets were hitting the ground around me, and the building near me. After the majority of people were in a safer location, I ran inside. What felt like hours, was only minutes. I start cutting clothes and boots off of people to use as tourniquets to help keep them from bleeding out. The whole time I heard people throughout my casino, yelling through the radio that they need help helping people also. I provided an escort for the police to a room where I got a call stating someone was shot in the head, and was losing a lot of blood. I escorted police and ambulance to him, and when they opened the door, I saw the swelling on his skull where the bullet or shrapnel entered. They took him to get help and told everyone else to stay back. His wife was screaming and crying, so I pulled her out to go with me. I figured he needed her and she needed him, for I would want my wife in that situation. I called my fiancé at the time, and said to her, “There is an active shooter. I have to evacuate people. I love you, I got to go.”  The whole time while trying to fight back tears, I felt that could have been the last call I ever made. At that point, the shooting had stopped to my knowledge. So, we started getting everyone into one giant room to start conducting a more thorough triage on them. My phone was ringing the whole time, but I was to busy to answer to my mom, dad or sister calling over and over to get ahold of me. After that night, I felt I had to stay strong and make people think it’s alright, and that I’m fine. I was battling every day, trying to figure out what happened, what did I do wrong? Did I help anyone? Did I run? The night was a blur for me. On January 30th, in my hotel of the casino I worked for, I was on lunch and I got a call stating someone wasn’t breathing and that they needed help. I ran as fast as possible to get to the room to help. There was a man laying on the ground and his brother who stated that he had called 911 and then fell over. So, I check his pulse and he was breathing, but very faint. The ambulance was on their way. Because he was still breathing, I did not start CPR. I was completely untrained at that time for that kind of situation because my job didn’t train for this.  When the ambulance got there, they immediately pronounced him dead. He started gasping seconds before they got there. I was stuck in the room when they ripped his clothes off and started CPR and injected steroids into his shin. I couldn’t take my eyes off the situation for I felt this couldn’t be real. My boss had to turn around and he never once came into the room to help me, he stood outside. That was the second step into my PTSD. I kept working and acting like nothing was wrong, but knowing I had a guy I didn’t know, die in my arms was eating me up along with the months of fighting off my thoughts of the shooting.

Fast-forward to Superbowl Sunday…I was watching the Superbowl because my team, the Eagles were playing the patriots. My team won and I got super happy but then felt really weird. Little did I know then, but it was my first sign of anxiety ever. The next day, I worked a 7-hour shift. When I was logging in an item at work, I felt dizzy, faint, and weak. I couldn’t stand or talk or even grip anything. I radioed my boss and told him that I needed help. They called an ambulance and after the paramedics arrived and took my vitals, they said my blood pressure was 210 over 125 and took me to the hospital. After hours, the doctors told me that I was fine to leave. So, I went back to work, grabbed my stuff and went home. I went back into work the next day feeling fine. I smoked a cigarette and then walk into the office because I started feeling weird again. My boss looked at me and asked, “Are you alright? Your eyes look super dilated and you look really pale.” They called an ambulance again and the paramedics took me to the hospital, just to be told the same thing I was told yesterday. So, for weeks my boss tried to work with me, but like every group of people, they get tired of seeing someone getting help where its needed and not them. So, I continued to work and fight through it, but my boss told to me that he will not be working with me because I was upsetting others. He told me that he was tired of hearing it and that if I called out, missed work, or left early, I would be getting write ups. So, I asked his boss to get me papers for workers comp. I spent weeks fighting them to get me workers comp papers. I eventually got the papers and then was sent to therapy. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and paranoia, so they put me on anti-depression medication. I started taking them for about a month, but I was in a relationship with my fiancé who kept telling me to just get over it and that she doesn’t understand how I can let this beat me and destroy me like it was.  I ended up confiding in alcohol while I was on those meds to see if that would help me feel even more numb. I ended up cheating on my ex because of it. I told her what I had done and we split up. A few months later, I was still drinking every day while on the same meds. I felt like a robot or a zombie, and I loved not caring or worrying about anything. I felt like I wasn’t hurt anymore, I felt like I was fixed, but I was very toxic and angry to everyone else and wasn’t aware of how I was treating others. My family kept saying I needed to get over it because they didn’t understand what mental health meant. I heard it so many times that I eventually snapped and told them that I’m leaving. My mom grabbed me and hugged me while she cried. She said that my eyes changed colors that day and she felt an energy that wasn’t her son anymore. At that time, I owned a firearm and made an unconscious decision to drive home while drunk to retrieve my firearm. I called a few people and told them I was going to kill myself in front of my dad. I wanted him to watch so he can see me get over it. I wanted to end the pain. I wanted to stop feeling pain, anxiety and depression every single day. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be whole again. I drove probably close to 100 plus miles an hour to get back to my house to do this. My brother who I had called, told my mother to call 911. I pulled up in the drive way and my sister was standing in front of me crying. I chambered a bullet and put my gun to my head and said, “Get away from me sis! I don’t want you to watch me do this!” She walked away crying and freaking out. I was told later that I said, “Richard, come outside! You want to watch me get over it so, let me show you how.” Richard is my Father and he didn’t respond. I walked to my car really fast and sat in the driver seat double checked that I had a bullet in the chamber and when I go to get up I heard, “Get out the vehicle with your arms up.” I then saw an easier way out… I thought that maybe if I showed them my gun, they would just end my misery for me. I go to stand up to put my plan into action and I heard my sister yell, “Don’t shoot my brother!” as she hit the ground, screaming and crying. Because of her, I snapped back to myself. I threw my gun on my seat and stood up and obeyed the police. When I turned around, I saw 20 plus cops with all their guns drawn on me. I got cuffed and put into the back of a cop car. My family told them what I went through and what happened and why I was suicidal and because of that, I got a medical arrest. I didn’t go to jail but I did spend a week in a hospital doing nothing but thinking. I suffer from anxiety every minute of every day and still don’t know how to cope years later. I have noticed pain in areas of my body I have never even felt before. I cry a lot now. I go to hospitals for the pain I have and get told that I have nothing wrong without even being checked because of my mental history. I get told that I’m fine with minimal help, every single time. I lost my free ride to college and I lost $30,000 because my ex used it all before, we split. I lost my job, my house, my animals and my ex fiancé. I have slowly been learning how to cope again, but I have faith that I will be able to feel whole again and that I will be close to normal again. I spend most of my time focusing on helping others now that I am aware of what is wrong with me. And to be honest, I wouldn’t change my story one bit because, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, so I’m glad it was me that it happened to and not someone else. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. I love you, and hope that this makes you realize that you aren’t alone. Ask for help like I did and don’t ever feel like you aren’t enough, because you are.

What I saw and what I thought:

Back in September of 2018, I was sitting in my living room with my kids and I see red and blue lights flashing on my walls. What I saw when I looked out my window affected me in a way I can’t explain. I saw my neighbor, Scotty with a gun to his own head and about 10 cop cars surrounding him. The only thing I thought was, “That boy needs someone, he’s hurting bad.” I found out later that he was having a panic attack due to his PTSD. Fast forward to a few weeks to a month or so… I officially met Scotty when he walked into my garage. That’s when he told me his story about what caused his PTSD. I literally went inside and cried for him. The thought of someone going through that much mental pain and trauma was hard to even think of. I just wanted to hug him.

Mental Health is VERY MUCH REAL

Like I have said many times before, Mental Health is a serious thing. It needs to be taken more serious. This picture was taken during one of his panic attacks. You can literally see the mental pain and sadness in his face. This is such a heart breaking photo and I cried when he showed me. Being an empath, I pick up on EVERY emotion, even through photos and I felt every emotion he felt just looking at this picture.

How you can help someone with PTSD

Just like any mental health issue, you don’t want to tell them what they need to do. Just be there for them and LISTEN. Ask them how you can help, sometimes they won’t know what they need and that’s when you just need to say, “Well I will be here for you every step of the way, I’m not going anywhere.” They NEED to know that they have someone who isn’t going to pity them and just be there for them. They NEED to know that you understand that they are mentally hurting and that they can’t always control it. Mental illnesses can make it seem like there is something medically wrong with you as well. It can make you feel like you are having a heart attack, breathing problems, and even a stroke. You need to just be there and listen, don’t tell them they are crazy because they are actually feeling these things. Be their support. Listen and just be understanding.

Mental health isn’t always physically visible so don’t judge or assume

This was a really hard post for me to write because I have been put down for my mental illnesses and it hurts more than anything because it’s not something I can control at all. It’s a constant, tiring fight between me and my brain. Scotty has been told to “Just get over it” after the traumatic event he went through… This is the number one thing you should NEVER tell someone who is mentally struggling. One of the biggest reasons why this was a hard thing for me to write is because, he’s my person. He is who I am suppose to be with. I can feel it in my soul. So many WHAT IF’S run through my brain. What if I didn’t have him?
Scotty is such a caring and very protective person with such a huge heart. He always worries about how other’s are doing and feeling over worrying about himself. My soul connected with his and all of a sudden, everything finally made sense. Words cannot describe how happy I am that he walked into my garage that day.

Please, if you are struggling mentally, seek help. Talk to someone. The world is better with YOU in it!

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Are you enabling someone?

I don’t know how I’m getting these random ideas for blog posts lately, probably because I am quarantined in my house with my own thoughts running wild. Today’s topic is enablers.

There are many different kind of enablers. What is an enabler you ask?

An enabler is someone who is not helping a situation. It’s someone who is allowing the bad things/actions to continue. Here are some examples:

1. You find out that your grown ass kid whom is living in your house is on drugs. You see them going downhill and doing absolutely nothing positive for their life. They get to the point where they are overdosing, lying and stealing. This is the point where you need to take action and kick them out of your house. If you don’t, all you’re doing is giving them a roof to where they can do their drugs and take advantage of you underneath it. You’re an enabler.

2. You go to the doctor’s with your significant other and the doctor tells them that they are overweight and very unhealthy and it can become life-threatening if they do not change their ways, but you’re enabling them by not helping them get on the right track. You’re enabling them by going out and getting them fattening food. You’re enabling them if you’re telling them that they are beautiful the way that they are. You’re an enabler.

3. So you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is very toxic for you. They are verbally, mentally and emotionally and physically abusive, but you stay. You don’t tell anyone the truth about what’s really going on, and you stay with them. You’re enabling their behavior by not standing up to them and getting yourself out of that toxic situation. You’re making them think that it’s okay for them to treat you like you’re trash.

Tough love and ultimatums

Being in any one of these situations is hard, I know, trust me, but you’re not doing them any favors by enabling their behavior and their ways of living and you’re definitely not doing yourself any favors by doing that either. Tough love and ultimatums people, that’s what we need to do. Whatever they choose to do after is their decision, and you should not feel bad in any way.

This is my two cents for the day.