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Blogging is my mental outlet

I’ve been blogging for almost 7 years. I blog about everything under the sun of motherhood and everyday life. I blogged when I was married, when I was pregnant, when I became I mom, when I separated from my ex, when I was emotionally and mentally damaged, when I was lost, when I realized my worth when a life event happened…. Everything, I blog about everything. Mental health is my main subject as I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and panic disorder. Blogging is my outlet, a way for me to release my anxiety in a healthy way.

Why do people have to ruin it for me?

A few weeks ago my ex (Father of my daughter) came to visit our daughter (he lives in a different state for better work). Him and I get along and are civil with each other. He stays with me and my boyfriend when he comes out. Him and my boyfriend also get along very well. My ex also has a daughter with someone else that lives in my state whom I use to be friends with. He goes and spends time with them too, as he should. He came back one night and proceeded to ask me this…”Do you write about me on your blog?” I responded with, “In a way, yes, but my blog is about me and my life, not to bash anyone. Why do you ask?” He then told me that the mother of his first daughter told him that I write about him and her in my blog, but she told him in a way as if I were bashing them.

Back story

My marriage with my ex was never good, right from the beginning. He knows the things he did and how he treated me. He knows why our marriage ended. He also knows who all had a hand in our marriage ending, but him and I are still CIVIL. Him and I are still respectful to each other. Just because him and I can choose to be that way with each other now, doesn’t mean that what happened in the past didn’t have a huge effect on me. It shattered me. Things that happened literally broke me into a million tiny pieces and my ex friend, (his first daughters mother) was part of the reason why I was shattered.

Fast-forward

I don’t write about anything to just bash someone. I write about what’s hurt me, what I did, what I should have done and what I’m doing now to better my mental health. My ex tried to tell me that I shouldn’t write about the past, but the past made me who I am. The past is why I’m so broken and he is a part of why I’m broken. I write to address my anxiety and to channel it into something else, something that someone can read and relate to and not feel alone like I do all the freaking time. I write to bring awareness to all things mental health and what causes mental disorders.

I just don’t get it

There are SO MANY reasons I’m not friends with her anymore but none of those reasons are worth listing. All I’m trying to do is heal myself after so much betrayal and heartache that I carried for YEARS. All I’m trying to do is have a healthy outlet for my anxiety and depression. Why does anyone want to ruin that for me? I don’t air my dirty laundry here. I don’t air anyone else’s dirty laundry here I don’t call out people specifically and I definitely don’t try to ruin anyone else’s outlets.

I deserve peace

After all I’ve endured and put up with, ALL I’M TRYING TO DO is have some well NEEDED PEACE that I didn’t get for years. I just need calm in my life. I deserve it after what I was put through with just them two, alone.

No grudges or hate

I’m not holding grudges against anyone. Holding a grudge hurts me more in the end anyways. I just let go of people that hurt me and were continuing to hurt me. I have that right. They can choose to be bitter and talk ill about me because I made a necessary choice for my life, that’s on them. What they should do is accept it, realize it, let go and move on. Let me have my outlet and stop trying to cause issues in my life.

I will continue

I will continue my blog as I have been. I will continue my healing and I will also continue with raising awareness of mental health and any kind of abuse because neither of those should ever be taken lightly. Sometimes you have to talk about what hurt you to get past it.

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The world doesn’t have a shortage of dumbasses, that’s for sure

You’d think that at this point with how everything is going in the world, that nothing would baffle, shock or even catch me off guard but shit still does.

This world is filled with ignorant, selfish and just downright misguided people. I see it everyday and it’s become the normal until someone surpasses the normal and goes out of their way to disturb my peace for no reason.

For the last 10 years, I’ve had no peace in my life. No moments of serenity where my mind is just clear of unnecessary worry… I got to a point in my life where I just wanted needed peace in my life and I knew what I needed to do to get it. I needed to cut out the things that were hindering my inner peace. I needed to put myself and my mental health first for once and not the feelings of others.

Why the hell is it that when I finally find peace in my life, it’s got to be disrupted by those who are fixated on what’s going on in my life?! I don’t bother anyone. I don’t talk ill on anyone. I don’t push myself in anyone’s life. Why the hell can’t grown adults do the same?!

I literally have people in their 40s disturbing my peace for no good reason. I have people who should be enjoying peace themselves, trying to cause drama in my life over things that aren’t even their business and over things that they purposely searched for!

To whom it may concern, (because I know you search for my blog to find out what’s going on in my life)

Leave me alone. Leave my family alone. Leave my peace alone. Keep the thought of me out of your mind and my name out of your mouth. Stop talking about me like a pathetic child to whom we have in common, because they always tell me. I stopped talking to you for a reason and one of the reasons being that I FINALLY NEEDED PEACE. I don’t push myself in your life. I don’t talk about you like a high schooler like you do about me. I don’t care what you’re doing. Just let me have the peace that you took away from me for so many years. You don’t get the choice to be in my kids’lives and you also don’t have the right to try and get the other parent to allow you in my kids life either. It’s called mutual respect. Plain and simple, don’t look me up. Don’t look my blog up. Don’t ask about me, just LEAVE ME BE.

Sincerely, a really sick and tired of your drama, me.

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The moment I should have realized

I have been reluctant to write about this let alone talk about it with anyone, because of my lack of intelligence and ignorance of toxic situations in the past.

Allow me to elaborate. I was the kind of person who would always look past anything negative of someone to avoid confrontation when in reality, that brought me more negative than anything. I always gave second, third and probably fourth chances to those who obviously didn’t deserve it. It just wasn’t obviously obvious to me back then. *Facepalm*

Now that I am SUPER aware of toxic situations and people, I now see all the red flags from the past that I should have recognized then. Sometimes I lay awake and think, “What the hell is wrong with you, Jessie? How did you just ignore that?!” I get flashbacks of those, ‘the moment I realized’ moments. Unfortunately, I have multiple of those moments with the same people because I ignored the first moments. *another facepalm*

I know y’all are wondering what those moments are so I will share a few.

One:

The moment I should have realized I should have broken up with my ex and moved on was when he was laying right next to me, sexting another girl and then lied to my face about it. End result: I married him 2 years after that and then FINALLY left him 4 years after I married him. Just imagine all the toxic shit in-between that I endured tolerated.

Two:

The moment I should have realized that I should have dropped someone as a friend was when she sat on my couch and talked shit about me to her boyfriend RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME when she was piss ass drunk. Nope, my dumbass self forgave her and continued to be her friend. End result: I FINALLY ended our toxic friendship and for an entirely different toxic reason. Blocked her on everything. (There were SO MANY reasons I should have dropped her sooner.)

Three:

The moment I should have realized that my “friend” wasn’t really a true friend is when she took me to a club and when we were talking, she said, “I really wish you’d stop talking.” Out of nowhere and for no reason other than I was apparently annoying her. I allowed her in my life for about six years which means six years of being treated like shit. She had done some really messed up things that hurt me in the past that in my mind I thought I could just forgive and forget but she kept doing messed up things that friends just wouldn’t do. End result: I literally ran out of words to say to her so I stopped saying anything to her. She never seemed to really care about the damage she caused me.

Four:

The moment I should have realized that pushing to be in my sister’s life wasn’t worth it when she treated me like I wasn’t her sister. She didn’t come see me in the hospital when I had either of my kids. She bailed on me all the time with multiple excuses. She only called me to vent because she knew I’d listen. End result: I decided blood doesn’t mean shit to me if they are literally going to cause me mental anguish all the damn time.

I don’t know why I let my ENTIRE 20s be consumed by toxic people but I’m now in my 30s and am fully aware of toxicity. I don’t tolerate it anymore and I won’t subject my kids to it. I don’t care what role you had or what you think you had in mine or my kids’ lives, if you’ve caused me mental distress and toxicness, my kids won’t be in your life. Plain and simple.

I don’t have friendS, I have like one friend that I talk to that actually asks me how I am and doesn’t just contact me to vent about their drama, and you know what? I’m completely fine with that. I’m happy with one friend.

If you’re reading this and thinking, Huh, I wonder if any of this is about me and that’s why she doesn’t talk to me anymore” then you’re probably right but that means you need to really think about how you’ve treated me because it’s obvious I don’t just kick people out of my life without multiple chances. Hmmm

P.S. I am so terrible at keeping up with this blogging thing. I am also so busy and always caught up in something else. If you’ve read this far, and would like to know what I’ve been caught up in, look up my Instagram : mytablecrafts .

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It’s okay to remove toxic people from your life, even family.

If you knew me ten years ago, you’d know that I allowed so much toxicness in my life. I let so many toxic people walk all over me. I also forgave wholeheartedly the people that knew what they were doing when they hurt me.

Being 30 years old, I’ve realized that I don’t give a flying fuck who you are, long time friend, blood, my great aunt Sue, if you’re causing drama, tension and just all around toxicness in my life, BYE.

I’ve already cut out 90% of family and those who I considered family, out of my life because they were causing me drama, tension, sadness and pain. They were treating me with the idea of what family shouldn’t be like.

It takes A LOT for me to cut someone out of my life who meant something to me. You would have to do something really hurtful to me more than once for me to completely cut you out. Somehow my dad’s side of the family has managed to do that. Which hurts but I realized it hurt more to have them in my life with their toxicness than it does to have no contact with them at all.

Back story

A lot of my family are two faced. They will pretend to care about you to your face and then turn around and bad mouth you like you mean nothing to them. Some of them will even bad mouth you when you are right next to them. They will make you promises like they mean it to look like a good person, but really have no intentions of keeping them. They will make plans with you over and over and break them every time and then put the blame on you when you finally set boundaries. They will pretend to care about your kids when you’re around but then never call to ask about them. They’ll treat you like shit and not talk to you for months and then act like you’re in the wrong and then turn around and invite you over for a holiday family dinner like you’re one big happy family. Some of them even favor others in the family and don’t even act like you exist and just stop contacting you. They also love to make you feel bad for asking them for any help.

Dear anyone who thinks this pertains to them,

If you’re feeling attacked like this pertains to you, you’re probably right, it more than likely does, but think about that for a moment…. Why would you feel like this pertains to you if you aren’t feeling guilty in some type of way? If I really meant something to you, I wouldn’t be writing this, would I? If you have never done me wrong, then why do you feel like this pertains to you? I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m not angry anymore. I’m not sad anymore. I’m just done. If you’re feeling like this pertains to you, then more than likely I’ve let you walk all over me for too long and I’m just done.

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So.Many.Triggers.

I know I am not consistent with posting, I haven’t been consistent for a while and it’s because my life is pretty inconsistent, but as I am all up in my feels and my anxiety filled thoughts tonight, I thought this would be a good opportunity to post about it.

Have you ever been in a relationship so mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive that when you finally get out of it, it still feels like you’re living through it even though you aren’t? Do you have triggers that instantly throws you in a flashback to where you remember the smell, the sound, if it was hot or cold when the traumatic thing took place? I have a TON, so I thought I would share them in hopes that maybe it would relieve some of the anxiety I feel on a daily basis because of them.

Trigger number one

Coffee. Yep, the smell of coffee is one of my triggers. One of my ex’s made coffee all the time… He also used to degrade me all the time so my messed up brain now apparently correlates the two so when I smell coffee, I’m instantly thrown into a flashbacks of when I was degraded to the point where I felt like nothing. The worst part of it is, I like coffee and I like the smell of it.

Trigger number two

My ex would spend soooo long in the bathroom and at first I thought it was just because of his stomach problems… Later I found out that he would take his phone in there and hide the fact that he was texting other women. He knew that I wouldn’t bother him in there so I guess he figured that was a good place to plan to cheat on me. Totally sucks for my boyfriend now because he also has stomach problems and takes his phone in there but I know he’s not doing what my ex did… Still a trigger of mine though.

Trigger number three

My ex would fall asleep on me on purpose when I was upset about something just so he didn’t have to hear it… I felt so alone and so unloved to the point that I often wondered why I was still even alive. Again, sucks for my boyfriend now because when he does it, even when I’m not upset about anything, I instantly panic. All those feelings of feeling unloved instantly come back even though I know my boyfriend I have now loves me.

Trigger number four

Any change in tone when my boyfriend is talking to me instantly triggers me and I become very defensive…. It triggers such horrible flashbacks for me… When my ex didn’t like what I had to say, it would always end in him yelling at me, degrading me, calling me names and to the point where I would hide in the bathroom panicking to the point where he would just come find me to degrade me more by calling me crazy and threaten to take my daughter away because I was panicking due to him.

Trigger number five

Clutter and disorganization is also a trigger for me… When I was with my ex, I would always clean everything… I would make sure everything was in it’s right place… When he couldn’t find something he wanted or needed, it would put him in a crap mood that of course he took out on me… One of the worst memories I have was when one morning he was looking for his wallet and he couldn’t find it and was swearing and yelling so I told him I would help him find it and then asked him where was the last place he remembers having it and his response was so disgusting…. He said, “I don’t f*cking know you stupid c*nt!”

Trigger number six

When they want to hang out with their friends… Once again, this sucks for my boyfriend. I would never tell him he can’t or that I don’t want him to but it is one of my triggers that gives me severe anxiety. My ex would tell me that he’s going to a friend’s house when really he would go out and gamble or cheat on me… Or both at the same time with a cocktail waitress that knew me.

Trigger number seven

Gas stations… I know, an odd trigger, right? Of course there is a messed up reason for it. My ex went to gas stations every day before and after work for what I thought was just drinks… Come to find out, it was because he got the attention of other women in said gas stations he went in. Here’s the best part… One of the gas stations he would go into (his favorite one), I went in with him sometimes and there was this woman who worked there who complimented his wedding ring and thought it was awesome (it was camo) and she even complimented mine because it matched… I found out weeks later that he gave her his number and they started sexting some really nasty things… Our daughter was only 4 months old at the time.. which leads me to….

Trigger number eight

Being pregnant is a trigger for me. Yes, I just recently had my second baby with my boyfriend now, but let me tell you… The amount of anxiety and panic I had during that pregnancy was enough to make a therapist question their career choice. When I was pregnant with my first, I still did everything alone… I went to all my appointments alone and most of her doctors appointments alone…. I took care of her for the first year and half of her life (when it was the hardest and I was so sleep deprived and depressed) alone. I did all the hard shit alone…. While he let me do them alone…

Trigger number nine

Looking at my bank account is a trigger for me… Even though I know how to manage money and save, I still get severe anxiety looking at my bank account…. My ex always had to have money… When I made sure all the bills were paid and there was food in the house and gas in the cars, sometimes we’d be left with little to no money and my ex hated that. He hated not having money for himself even though I never got money for myself… He would ask me to check the bank to see if we had any more for him to get cigarettes or something for him, I usually ended up telling him no because I paid all the bills… I had to deal with his anger and bad moods all the time because of this…. He always made us late on bills because of this.

Trigger number ten

This one’s a big one for me… Getting remarried is a huge trigger for me. I was with my ex for 6 years and 4 months and married to him for 3 years and 11 months. I’ve been separated from him since 2019…

I was 6 and a half months pregnant when him and I got married… At our reception, he got at drunk and dropped a full beer bottle on my foot and bruised my toe so bad that my nail almost came off, of course he didn’t remember doing that… When we got home the night, we were opening our gifts and he got mad about something and yelled at me and said, “I shouldn’t of married you.”

As much as I want to marry who I’m with now because he’s literally everything I’ve wanted in a partner, my brain correlates the thought of getting remarried to all of the toxicness that I had during my first marriage.

I am so beyond damaged

I am so beyond damaged. I know part of it is own my fault because I allowed the toxicness to go on for so long but I think maybe it was because that I loved that man with every fiber of my being, I love him so hard that I looked past every red flag that was literally thrown in my face. I hid what was really going on so no one would think bad of him….

What I realized though, is the fact that none of that is love. I don’t think I did any of those things just out of love as much as I did out of fear… Fear that he would take my daughter away from me. Fear that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Fear that no one would want me after this because of how broken I was.

Hello, my name is Jessie and I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD due to a very emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive past relationship. I am not perfect in any means but I have a big heart. I am anxiety-filled all the freaking time and I have so many triggers I’m shocked that people don’t run the opposite direction when they get to know any bit of who I am. Bathroom floor feels like my safe spot when I panic. I also lose so much hair because of the constant stress I have due to my anxiety.

If you have read this far, thank you for actually caring about me and not not running the opposite direction.

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Protect your energy

It’s been a long while since I’ve blogged about anything. My life got crazy to say the least. I got pregnant and had a baby boy in May which I’ll be writing about soon.

Being an empath can be hard

Lately I’ve been really trying to focus on my own energy and trying to protect it because of all the negativity that’s been in my life lately. Being an empath, tension and negative energy affect me on a deeper level. I take in what everyone else is feeling and projecting to the point where I physically get sick.

There are downfalls

Downfall about being an empath is I take on what others are feeling like they are my own feelings instead of just feeling empathy for others. I sometimes can’t help but to do this, especially with the people that mean a lot to me. I want to be there for them because I know what it feels like to be alone and need someone there, so I always try to be that person, even though it can negatively affect me.

When to get help

I finally started seeing a therapist like 5 months ago on a weekly basis for my mental health and at our last session, I talked to her about all the drama and tension that others keep bringing to my life and how it’s affecting me and she said that I need to set boundaries to protect my energy. When I told her that it’s hard for me to not be there for people that are hurting or going through something, she said, “How are you going to be any help for them if you’re not in the right state of mind because of all the tension you take in?” She’s right.

I’m being distant for my own good

I’ve been distancing myself from everyone. I’ve been trying to protect my energy. I have to set boundaries to protect my energy. I realized that when I don’t set boundaries to protect me, I am physically and severely mentally affected by it. My moods also change to the point where I don’t even know who I’m looking at when I look in the mirror… I will shut down completely and I can’t do that because my kids need me.

Sorry, not sorry. I need to protect me

To those who haven’t heard from me in while or haven’t seen me in a while, it’s nothing personal, I just need to protect me.

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