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It’s honestly scary how another human can change you

I’m about to get real personal right now because this full moon got having the damn feels…

I’m sad… Not because I’m getting a divorce anymore… Not because I was cheated on, or belittled, but because I’m different now.

What made me, ME before, isn’t what makes me now… I was open, optimistic, and and undamaged. Today, I’m resentful, bitter and so beyond damaged that I wouldn’t even make it to the clearance shelf.

People have always told me to not let anyone change who I am, but when you give a piece of your soul to someone, a piece of YOU, to someone, it’s impossible to not give them that power to change you.

I thought after I mourned the loss of my “relationship”, I would feel better, even just a little bit, but I don’t, because I’m still mourning… I think a lot about how I use to think before, how I felt before, and how I lived before and it’s not easy to realize how much a person changed you for the worst…

I hate the way I am. I hate that I don’t look at love the same way that I use to. I hate that I’m so resentful. I hate that I have no trust anymore. I pretty much hate this me that I am right now.

Time to heal.

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9 ways your toxic partner is negatively affecting you

In a relationship, you are suppose to build each other up, not tear each other down. You are suppose to grow together and be able to count on one another. Do you feel like you are trapped in the idea of how a relationship should be and not actually in a real relationship? Here are some signs that your significant other is more toxic than than beneficial to your health.

Your social skill have changed

You use to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone. You use to be able to find a common interest with anyone.

Now, you barely talk. You aren’t that chatterbox outgoing person that you were before because now you fear saying the wrong thing. You fear that what you say will be misinterpreted. You fear that your significant other will think wrong about what you say to others.

You feel drained in every way possible the majority of the time

You have little to no motivation left for anything, not even something as simple as taking a shower. You are running on a 1% and anything feels like a demanding task. You just feel empty.

They have literally rid your soul of it’s will to go on…

Restful nights are completely non-existent

You don’t remember when the last time you went to bed happy and actually slept. You are up all night wondering what you did wrong earlier that day. When you finally do fall asleep, it usually comes with tears and anxiety.

Being with someone toxic who is slowly dragging you down means that your life is surrounded with a scary amount of negativity, which prohibits you from being able to sleep peacefully

Your toxic significant other is affecting your sleep and now your health to a scary degree.

You have lost a lot of friends

You find yourself making excuses to not go out with your friends anymore. As much as you want to, you also don’t want to be accused of doing something wrong by your significant other. Your friends don’t recognize the person you have become and tell you how worried they are about you often, but you are too afraid to tell them how you feel, because you are afraid of what your significant other will think if they found out.

You notice that less and less friends even call you anymore to invite you out.

Your significant other is literally isolating you.

Worry has become your best friend

You constantly worry and have anxiety about everything. Literally everything. You worry so much that you make yourself physically sick over it. You feel like your whole day was wasted and filled with anxiety

You feel your anxiety taking complete control, but you have no emotional or physical energy to address it.

Your physical and mental health has plumeted

You feel unwell most of the time. You always seem to have something wrong. You always find yourself in the emergency room or doctor’s office.

You just don’t feel like yourself anymore, and just want everything to end because that seems easier.

They are literally draining your health to the point where you NEED to depend on them.

Disappearing feels like the only option

You feel like you are stuck and can’t get out the the toxic cycle you are in, so ‘disappearing’ seems like the only logical solution.

You feel like no one will miss you anyways, so why not.

They have have literally sucked all the self worth you use to have, out of you.

You constantly question yourself

Even when you haven’t done anything wrong, you blame yourself all of the time. You blame yourself for your significant other’s actions. You also blame yourself for the reason why they don’t show you the love you show them.

You honestly feel like you did something so horrible to make them not love you…. Even though you know deep down that you didn’t…

They are able to manipulate you into thinking whatever they want you too think, when they want you to think it.

You always feel like something is missing in your life

You feel like your life is always incomplete, like there is something missing, but you don’t know what. You feel like nothing will get better.

As much as you want things to get better and you want to fill that void, you have no idea how.

You need to reach out

I am here to tell you guys that I really know how you feel. That sound cliche, but I have been where you are and it’s hard. Beyond hard, but you can get out of it and find yourself again.

You are worth more than your significant other is making you feel. You are important and you matter.

I know it’s hard, but you need to find that strength you once had to leave that toxic relationship, because it’ll only get harder if you don’t.

You need to trust your gut and act on it, not ignore it. You have more strength than you realize, you just have to find a support system to help you remember that.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please please please reach out to loved ones or call the National Suicide prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

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I know it’s hard, but you can do it

“This is a story all about how my life got, flipped, turned upside down…”
Yes, I did quote Fresh Prince of Bel Air, because that show is life! If you haven’t seen that TV show, then you must live under a rock or something…

Anyways… So, I am getting a divorce. Yes, I am okay and no, I am not okay. I am okay, because it needs to be done. I have to be able to live my life to the full extent without living in sadness. I am okay because I now know my strength and I know this is right for me. The reason why I am also not okay is because the last 6 years have damaged me to the fullest extent. Things have happened that I have to remember for the rest of my life, like the utter feelings of dread and sheer sadness. (I will not being going into grave details of what happened in the last 6 years because it’s not necessary for anyone to feel hatred or sadness for me or my soon to be Ex. Trust me when I say, I have felt enough of that.)

I was in a very toxic relationship for the last 6 years and even got married knowing how toxic it was. I was belittled, verbally and mentally. I was used and taken for granted. I was betrayed and lied to, but worst of all, I lost my self confidence and self worth and even at one point, I wanted to die. I knew how toxic it was and I stayed…. I gave this person so many chances to change and every single chance I gave, they blew them, but I stayed anyways. I felt unloved, unwanted and like I could never make someone happy. I relied on another person to make me happy and that’s the biggest mistake I ever made. I let someone dictate my life and happiness which is why I felt like I could never leave…

I started going to Utah a lot to spend time with my only Grandma and she helped open my eyes to reality. She made me realize that happiness comes from within and if you don’t have happiness in yourself, you don’t have anything really. I did a complete 360. I made the choice to finally leave the toxic life I was living for so long, knowing it would probably be hard and that I would probably have moments of vulnerability. I realized that I was only staying because it was in some sense, easier. Which is true, in some aspects, but taking the easy route meant misery and regret and why would I want to continue to live my life that way? I DESERVE to be happy. I DESERVE to be happy for my daughter and she deserves to see her mom happy.

Are you in a toxic relationship?

Do you feel like you are belittled, manipulated, used and just feel unloved by the person you are with? Has this person hurt you to the point of losing yourself and your confidence? Has this person lied to you countless time to the point that you don’t feel like you believe anything that comes out of their mouth? Have you given this person multiple chances to change and no change has happened? Then you need to leave. I know it’s hard and you feel like it would be easier for you/ your children if you just stayed and dealt with it, but you DESERVE happiness too. REAL happiness. You need to teach your children that it is not okay for someone to treat another the way you are being treated. You think they don’t see it, but you are wrong…. They see it… Sadly, my daughter and my two step kids have seen a good percentage of what was done to me. I wish I would of left sooner before it go to the point of them seeing anything… I have to live with that everyday.
Yes, people make mistakes, but is it really even a mistake anymore if it’s always happening? No, it’s choice at that point and then manipulation.

You are worth more than you think!

I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life because I was too scared to leave. 6 years I won’t be able to get back! 6 years that I could of been truly happy. Don’t make the same mistake I did and stay over and over because it seems easier. You may not think that’s why you are staying, but why would you even think about leaving in the first place if it weren’t? Change is scary but living 10+ years not truly happy is even more scary. I missed out on so many opportunities. I lost a lot of friends, best friends too. I lost respect of a lot of people and I brought the toxicity into my families lives…

It’s not okay

No kind of abuse is okay. Even though I was never physically abused, I was severely mentally and emotionally abused and these kinds of abuse can sometimes be worse than physical abuse… All abuse is wrong though and you should not settler for it.

You got this, I promise

I have been where you are at. I know the feelings you are feeling. I know… You have so much strength inside of you that was hidden away. You just need to realize it and find it again. You got this. You may not know it yet, but you got this. You will eventually find that strength and change your life. That hurt you feel will eventually fade away and you’ll realize, “Fuck this shit. I’m a bad bitch and I deserve better than this.”

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Things you shouldn’t say or do in front of your kids

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The fact that I even feel the need to write this just bothers me, but here we are. Obviously, there are things you just don’t say or do in front of your kids, right? Well some parents didn’t get that memo or just don’t care if their kids lose all respect for them. Hence why I’m writing this. There’s things that kids minds just aren’t equipped to hear and shouldn’t worry about anyways. There’s also things that they don’t need to see, such as a parent disrespecting another parent, or belittling them. Yeah, this should be common sense, but apparently not to everyone. 

Your kids see what you do and how you act and how you treat others. They follow you. You are their role models. They learn how to be an essential, functioning part of society from you. Think about that for a moment. You are molding a human to grow up and be successful.

Don’t talk about your finances when your kids are around.

Kids should not have to worry about bills

It’s a great idea to teach your kids about finances because that’s something they’ll use in their life, but don’t talk about your household finances in front of them. This is adult stuff. They don’t need to worry about stuff like that. There are situations however that this doesn’t pertain to. No child should have to worry about if you can afford food or things that are needed. Just figure it out and don’t talk about how your late on bills in front of them. Nothing worse than your child asking if you can afford to do this or that with obvious worry in their face. 

Don’t criticize your spouses parenting in front of your kids.

I don’t quite understand why any parent would do this unless the discipline goes to far of course. Don’t tell your spouse they were wrong for the type of discipline they gave just because you didn’t like it IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. Do you understand the risks of this? Your kids seeing you treating your significant other like they did something wrong for disciplining them for something they did wrong will cause them to lose respect for that parent, like they have no say and that you will overrule the other parents discipline. It’s just wrong. Don’t take your significant other’s parental rights away. 

Don’t bad mouth your significant other in front of your kids.

This shouldn’t even be said, but unfortunately there are people like this in this world. Parents speaking so badly about their kid’s other parent in front of their kids. On top of this just not being right, do you understand how awful this makes your kids feel and what image of that parent you are implanting in their minds? That’s not fair to the other parent and definitely not fair for your kids. 

Don’t undo something that the other parent did. 

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What I mean is, don’t undo the parenting that the other parent did- don’t give something back to your kids that was taken from them by the other parent because they are crying about being in trouble. The other parent has the same amount of say as you do. If you keep undoing what the other parent does, your kids won’t take the other parent seriously because they think you will save them every time they do something wrong and get punished for it. Just not okay. 

Don’t use your significant other’s past that was before you, against them.

I don’t understand why people do this. It’s cruel. It’s done out of anger I’m sure, but it shouldn’t even be an option. We all say things out of anger, no ones perfect, but refrain from doing it in front of your kids. The past is the past for a reason. Leave it there. They didn’t have to tell you about their past, but they choose to, so you shouldn’t use it against them, especially in front of your kids. Again, this is one of those things that shouldn’t be said, but unfortunately, there are selfish people in this world. 

Don’t tell a step parent that they aren’t the real parent.

This! This upsets me to the fullest. I am a step mom and not once has my husband, or the mother’s of his kids ever told me that I wasn’t their parent. Not once. In fact, the mother of my step daughter reads my blog and sees me refer to her daughter as mine and she doesn’t disagree. If that step parent has been the only other parent in your kid’s life, then this shouldn’t even be thought of. Instead, it’s used against them when it comes to disciplining and responsibility to them. It’s wrong. The worst part is, telling that step parent they aren’t really their parent IN FRONT OF THE CHILD THAT THINKS OF THEM AS THEIR PARENT. Not only did you belittle your significant other, you said that they weren’t your child’s parent in front of your child. The outcome of this could be many things. Your child could lose respect for that parent because they aren’t his parent, or it could break their heart. Either way, you’re doing damage that is very hard, if not impossible to undo. 

 

Kids are sponges, they hear and repeat everything they see their parents doing. They are sensitive, easily impressionable and just innocent. Don’t ruin that for them. Let them have a childhood. I didn’t have this. I saw and head things that I couldn’t ever imagine my kids enduring. Enough to scar me and have a lasting affect on me. 

Jessie

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The Get to know me tag

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I figured this was a good way to really get to know me since I have gained so many new followers. I got this post from Nicole of Nicole’s Niches, so go check her out!

What’s your full name?

Jessica Richelle Adams is my full name. My mom named my first name after John Stamos’ character on full house. LMAO. My middle name is named after my Dad, Richard.

 

Family Life?

I have three older sisters, one older brother and one younger brother. My older siblings are my half siblings. I am married with three kids, two of which are my step kids. I also have two dogs and two cats.

 

Why’d you start blogging?

Honestly, I started blogging because I was a stay at home mom and needed something other than Mom-in to do. I continued blogging because as it turns out, I love to write and because blogging really helps me deal and manage my anxiety in an effective way.

 

How many drafts do you currently have written?

I have none. My OCD doesn’t allow me to start something without finishing it. When I do have drafts, it’s only one and it’s finished the next day.

 

What’s your sexuality?

So, I’ve never said this out in the open because I never thought about it and because I think it’s normal, so it doesn’t need to be announced…? But I am Bi. I grew up in the Mormon religion so, of course it’s frowned upon, even though Mormons will tell you that they don’t judge, but they are the most judgmental people I’ve ever met. There’s still Mormon family of mine that still doesn’t know. Surprise. lol

 

Relationship status?

I am married. Have been for three years, but I’ve been together with him for five years and five months.

 

Where are you from?2013_10_Las-Vegas-Night-HD-Wallpaper3

I am from Las Vegas, Nevada. Born and raised here and still reside here.

 

 

Cat or Dog person?

If you would of asked me a year ago, I would of said dog person all the way, but now I have two kittens as well as two dogs, so both…?

 

thW4PLTBOZWhat do you like to do on your days off?

I like to drink wine and hang out with my family. Oh, and blog of course.

 

 

Coffee or Tea?

I like both, but both have to be cold. I don’t like hot drinks. Not even in the winter. I just recently started drinking cold coffee. I use to not like coffee at all.

 

Dream Job?

Pediatric Nurse or neonatal nurse. I love babies.

 

Biggest pet peeve?

Oh boy, I have multiple, so I’ll give you guys a few of my biggest ones. Lying is number one for sure. People who make excuses for everything and people giving their unwanted opinions or advice.

 

What grosses you out?stinky-smell

People who don’t care about their personal hygiene by not showering regularly or brushing their teeth. Ew.

 

 

Favorite food?

Well, I love breakfast foods, like scrambled eggs, hash browns, bacon and sausage. I also love anything Avocado.

 

Well, there you have it. I hope y’all feel like you know me a little better. Even though I got this post from another blogger, I modified it a bit. Feel free to use this post or modify it like I did.

 

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How to drive Mama Crazy in 5 easy steps: Husband Edition

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My kids drive me absolutely crazy, but so does my husband… Sometimes more than my kids do. Some of the things he does, my kids don’t even do. Which is probably why he drives me crazy more than my kids do sometimes. So, I definitely couldn’t leave him out of this series. Haha!

ONE:

My husband thinks it’s okay to leave trash where ever he is at, even if it’s inches away from the garbage can. My 2-year- old doesn’t even do this. He’ll also leave  dirty dishes everywhere sometimes. Cups of coffee in glass mugs get left outside and also in his car along with dirty plates with stuck on food.

TWO:

When the TV is on, no matter what is on it, he’ll ignore anything and everything I say to watch it. Sometimes he’ll act like he’s listening, but when I ask him what I said, he’ll have no idea whatsoever, even if I was sitting right next to him. He says he doesn’t do it on purpose…. Mhmmm. He gets distracted by the TV anytime time it’s on too. Like instantaneously get’s distracted, no matter what’s on! He’ll even stop to watch Daniel Tiger when our daughter is watching it.

THREE:

His time management is terrible!! He’ll go to work on a car and then tell me, “Oh, not too much longer. About 30 minutes, probably less.” Which really means, I have no idea how long, I’m just throwing a random time out there, knowing it’s going to be over 2 hours. He does this all the time about anything he does, even things he’s done a million times and should know how long it takes by this time.  This makes it impossible to plan for anything around the things he does.

FOUR:

It doesn’t bother me anymore that he puts his dirty clothes on the floor, but what really bugs me is when he puts his clean clothes on the floor with or next to his dirty ones. So when I clean the room, I will just stick all of the clothes that are on the floor (Assuming that they are dirty) in his hamper and then he’ll ask me why his dirty and clean clothes are both in his hamper. Really… BECAUSE YOU HAD THEM TOGETHER ON THE FLOOR.

FIVE:

His clutter! His clutter drives me crazy like no other. He’ll put things all over the house where they don’t belong. I am cleaning his clutter every day. Just the other day, I took a whole pile of his work papers off the DVD shelf and handed them to him. The next day, he put those same papers on the kitchen table where our daughter can reach them. I handed them to him again and this time he stuck them in a folder…. and then put them right back on the kitchen table. Literally nothing in our house looks organized because he sticks everything where it doesn’t belong. And he wonders why he can never find what he’s looking for or why his things get ruined by our daughter.

 

Don’t take any of this out of context, I love my husband, he just really drives me crazy… like 90% of the time.

Let’s hear your stories.

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