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Blogging is my mental outlet

I’ve been blogging for almost 7 years. I blog about everything under the sun of motherhood and everyday life. I blogged when I was married, when I was pregnant, when I became I mom, when I separated from my ex, when I was emotionally and mentally damaged, when I was lost, when I realized my worth when a life event happened…. Everything, I blog about everything. Mental health is my main subject as I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and panic disorder. Blogging is my outlet, a way for me to release my anxiety in a healthy way.

Why do people have to ruin it for me?

A few weeks ago my ex (Father of my daughter) came to visit our daughter (he lives in a different state for better work). Him and I get along and are civil with each other. He stays with me and my boyfriend when he comes out. Him and my boyfriend also get along very well. My ex also has a daughter with someone else that lives in my state whom I use to be friends with. He goes and spends time with them too, as he should. He came back one night and proceeded to ask me this…”Do you write about me on your blog?” I responded with, “In a way, yes, but my blog is about me and my life, not to bash anyone. Why do you ask?” He then told me that the mother of his first daughter told him that I write about him and her in my blog, but she told him in a way as if I were bashing them.

Back story

My marriage with my ex was never good, right from the beginning. He knows the things he did and how he treated me. He knows why our marriage ended. He also knows who all had a hand in our marriage ending, but him and I are still CIVIL. Him and I are still respectful to each other. Just because him and I can choose to be that way with each other now, doesn’t mean that what happened in the past didn’t have a huge effect on me. It shattered me. Things that happened literally broke me into a million tiny pieces and my ex friend, (his first daughters mother) was part of the reason why I was shattered.

Fast-forward

I don’t write about anything to just bash someone. I write about what’s hurt me, what I did, what I should have done and what I’m doing now to better my mental health. My ex tried to tell me that I shouldn’t write about the past, but the past made me who I am. The past is why I’m so broken and he is a part of why I’m broken. I write to address my anxiety and to channel it into something else, something that someone can read and relate to and not feel alone like I do all the freaking time. I write to bring awareness to all things mental health and what causes mental disorders.

I just don’t get it

There are SO MANY reasons I’m not friends with her anymore but none of those reasons are worth listing. All I’m trying to do is heal myself after so much betrayal and heartache that I carried for YEARS. All I’m trying to do is have a healthy outlet for my anxiety and depression. Why does anyone want to ruin that for me? I don’t air my dirty laundry here. I don’t air anyone else’s dirty laundry here I don’t call out people specifically and I definitely don’t try to ruin anyone else’s outlets.

I deserve peace

After all I’ve endured and put up with, ALL I’M TRYING TO DO is have some well NEEDED PEACE that I didn’t get for years. I just need calm in my life. I deserve it after what I was put through with just them two, alone.

No grudges or hate

I’m not holding grudges against anyone. Holding a grudge hurts me more in the end anyways. I just let go of people that hurt me and were continuing to hurt me. I have that right. They can choose to be bitter and talk ill about me because I made a necessary choice for my life, that’s on them. What they should do is accept it, realize it, let go and move on. Let me have my outlet and stop trying to cause issues in my life.

I will continue

I will continue my blog as I have been. I will continue my healing and I will also continue with raising awareness of mental health and any kind of abuse because neither of those should ever be taken lightly. Sometimes you have to talk about what hurt you to get past it.

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The moment I should have realized

I have been reluctant to write about this let alone talk about it with anyone, because of my lack of intelligence and ignorance of toxic situations in the past.

Allow me to elaborate. I was the kind of person who would always look past anything negative of someone to avoid confrontation when in reality, that brought me more negative than anything. I always gave second, third and probably fourth chances to those who obviously didn’t deserve it. It just wasn’t obviously obvious to me back then. *Facepalm*

Now that I am SUPER aware of toxic situations and people, I now see all the red flags from the past that I should have recognized then. Sometimes I lay awake and think, “What the hell is wrong with you, Jessie? How did you just ignore that?!” I get flashbacks of those, ‘the moment I realized’ moments. Unfortunately, I have multiple of those moments with the same people because I ignored the first moments. *another facepalm*

I know y’all are wondering what those moments are so I will share a few.

One:

The moment I should have realized I should have broken up with my ex and moved on was when he was laying right next to me, sexting another girl and then lied to my face about it. End result: I married him 2 years after that and then FINALLY left him 4 years after I married him. Just imagine all the toxic shit in-between that I endured tolerated.

Two:

The moment I should have realized that I should have dropped someone as a friend was when she sat on my couch and talked shit about me to her boyfriend RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME when she was piss ass drunk. Nope, my dumbass self forgave her and continued to be her friend. End result: I FINALLY ended our toxic friendship and for an entirely different toxic reason. Blocked her on everything. (There were SO MANY reasons I should have dropped her sooner.)

Three:

The moment I should have realized that my “friend” wasn’t really a true friend is when she took me to a club and when we were talking, she said, “I really wish you’d stop talking.” Out of nowhere and for no reason other than I was apparently annoying her. I allowed her in my life for about six years which means six years of being treated like shit. She had done some really messed up things that hurt me in the past that in my mind I thought I could just forgive and forget but she kept doing messed up things that friends just wouldn’t do. End result: I literally ran out of words to say to her so I stopped saying anything to her. She never seemed to really care about the damage she caused me.

Four:

The moment I should have realized that pushing to be in my sister’s life wasn’t worth it when she treated me like I wasn’t her sister. She didn’t come see me in the hospital when I had either of my kids. She bailed on me all the time with multiple excuses. She only called me to vent because she knew I’d listen. End result: I decided blood doesn’t mean shit to me if they are literally going to cause me mental anguish all the damn time.

I don’t know why I let my ENTIRE 20s be consumed by toxic people but I’m now in my 30s and am fully aware of toxicity. I don’t tolerate it anymore and I won’t subject my kids to it. I don’t care what role you had or what you think you had in mine or my kids’ lives, if you’ve caused me mental distress and toxicness, my kids won’t be in your life. Plain and simple.

I don’t have friendS, I have like one friend that I talk to that actually asks me how I am and doesn’t just contact me to vent about their drama, and you know what? I’m completely fine with that. I’m happy with one friend.

If you’re reading this and thinking, Huh, I wonder if any of this is about me and that’s why she doesn’t talk to me anymore” then you’re probably right but that means you need to really think about how you’ve treated me because it’s obvious I don’t just kick people out of my life without multiple chances. Hmmm

P.S. I am so terrible at keeping up with this blogging thing. I am also so busy and always caught up in something else. If you’ve read this far, and would like to know what I’ve been caught up in, look up my Instagram : mytablecrafts .

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Goodbye 2019

2019 was a pretty hard year… Alright, 2019 sucked ass! I had nothing but hurt, deceit, and sickness the whole fucking year.

I was lied to by those close to me.

I was cheated on.

My anxiety worsened.

My depression worsened.

Panic attacks all over the damn place.

I was played.

I was used.

I lost trust in just about everyone.

My health declined.

I hated this year. There were some good things, of course, but the bad was more present… I remember thinking quite often, “Why me?” Why did all this shit happen to me?

I’m not perfect, but I did not do to anyone what was done to me…

HERE’S TO 2020

I let too many people in my life that were just toxic. I forgave too many people when I knew I wasn’t ready to and that worsened my anxiety. I’m not doing that this year. This year is about me and my mental health.

You do me wrong, bye.

You lie to me, bye.

You betray me, bye.

You try and play me, bye.

I’m not dealing with any of it anymore. I deserve better and so does my mental health.

Happy New year everyone. Make it a great one. Do great things, and make great memories.

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7 reasons why you need a blunt and honest friend in your life

“Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it’ll always get you the right ones.” – John Lennon

Here are 7 reasons why everyone should have at least one blunt and honest friend:

They won’t talk shit about you behind your back

Friends who are blunt and honest are straightforward and will say what needs to be said to your face. You will be the first to know what their issue is with you. Communication is better with a friend who will be brutally honest to your face.

They show their affection with sarcasm

They aren’t directly open with their feelings, but one sarcastic remark will make your day. They can be brutally honest and complement you all in one breath. They can say something like, “That hat is the ugliest hat ever, but it complements your face shape perfectly.” , and know you will not be offended.

They have high standards

Some people might consider them rude because they are so blunt and don’t sugarcoat anything, but they have a highly developed sense of right and wrong. Therefore they will never lie to you and if they do, they more than likely suck at it and will tell you the truth shortly after.

They have no problem with arguing

When they are sure they are right about something, they have no problem standing up for themselves and will say anything to prove their point. It can be exhausting at times, but also come in handy. They are also not afraid of a healthy debate and can keep it cool during it.

They are very selective about who the associate with

They usually have a smaller amount of friends. They value quality over quantity. If you are in that small amount of friends, be sure you are a true friend in every sense, because they think of you that way. They automatically shut negative people out of their life without bating an eyelash.

They are fun to hang out with

They are usually adventurous people. It doesn’t matter if you are at a club or at home watching netflix, they make anything fun when you are with them. They have no filter, so shit just falls out of their mouth and most of the time, it’s hilarious.

They will help you learn how to stand up for yourself

The advantage of knowing someone who can be brutally honest is that you can learn a lot from their behavior – by either observing them or just listening to what they have to say. It will help you be able to stand your ground and be straightforward and it will stop other people from walking all over you.

Do you see why this kind of friend is necessary? Do you have one of these friends?

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Everyone should have a friend who’s an Empath

I have always been super sensitive to others feelings and emotions… Not just the understanding kind of sensitive… The kind of sensitive where I mentally and emotionally feel what others are feeling. I’m an empath.

Google says that an empath is a person with the paranormal ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of another individual. So, that pretty much means that I am psychic. Lol

Besides the sheer fact that empaths are basically psychic, I am going to give you great examples why everyone should have a friend who is an empath.

Empaths just know things (psychic)

You don’t really need to tell them anything. They can tell when something is wrong just by looking at you. They can tell when something is wrong by the way you breath or how you say one word.. This is something beyond intuition, hence why it’s considered to be a paranormal ability.

We feel what you feel as our own feelings

This is something we literally can’t help…. We’re like a blue tooth for feelings. If someone is feeling something, we automatically link to you and project your feelings too. Except, we can’t turn it off. It’s a 24/7 things, the off switch is non existent. This is probably why people like to be around empaths.

Their opinions are based off of a strong intuition

When an empath tells you that you shouldn’t welcome someone in your life, it might sound like jealousy, but it’s not. It’s because they can sense a toxic person from a mile away. Their intuition comes on stronger than ever when they are near a dishonest person. We are just trying to spare you the pain.

We are excellent listeners

We don’t just listen to your problems only to have the space to talk about our own. We listen and try to put ourselves in your shoes. We genuinely understand you and will try and come up with the best solution for your situation.

We strive for the truth

No matter how painful it can get, we strive for the truth so we will slap you with it if need be, rather than to comfort you with lies. We will slap you with the truth, but we will also be there to hold you from the pain of the truth until you can pull yourself up.

Everyone needs an empath for a friend. We are loyal and best of all, honest. We will get to know you inside and out and never forget what your favorite food is. We will understand you and your feelings to the highest degree and cry with you if that’s what you need (We can sense what you are needing in a certain moment or situation). We will be honest with you, even if it hurts. We will carry you when you can’t hold yourself up.

Do you have a a friend who is an empath? What is it like to have an empathic friend?