Posted on Leave a comment

The mommy blogger tag

So I was nominated for this awesome Mommy blogger tag created by Rachel from The coffee Mamma. Thanks girl, for this nomination.


  • Thank whoever tagged you and link back to their website.
  • Share the rules in your post.
  • Tag Rachel, The Coffee Mamma.
  • Answer the questions.
  • Tag at least 3-5 Mom Bloggers at the end of your post.

So, obviously you’re a mom, how many kids do you have? Genders? Ages?

I have one biological and she is 3 and a half. I have a 16 year old step son and a 6 year old step daughter

Are your children close in age or further apart in age?

My two youngest are closest in age ( 2 and a half years apart) and my 16 year old is obviously way further in age than his sisters.

Did you have a Vaginal Birth or C Section?

Vaginal birth all the way.

Pro-Life or Pro-Choice?

Pro-Life…. I have my reason that I choose not to discuss because I am not here to offend anyone and their views.

Have you shared your labor story on your blog yet?

I don’t believe I have, which is odd because there are some funny stories about it. Stay tuned for a birth story update….

What is the thing you find most challenging about being a mommy blogger?

I don’t have anything specifically challenging about being a mommy blogger in general but I do have writers block a lot when it comes to blogging in general.

What’s the most challenging thing about being a Mom for you?

I think the most challenging thing is with all my kids is realizing that they are all different. Their feelings, their likes and dislikes and what strategies work with punishment, rewarding and just talking to them. All three are so different. My 3 year old is so stubborn and hard headed so there is no talking to her unless she is ready. My 6 year old is very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily. My 16 year old will just shut everyone out when there is something wrong with him. I can usually get him to talk to me but he is like an onion, have to peal him back a layer at a time.

What were you doing when you went into Labor?

Laying in the hospital bed. I was induced. Lol

Baby Stats?

My three year old was 7lbs 4oz and 21 and a half inches long. I am not sure of my step kids. I know, horrible step mom.

Thoughts on circumcision?

I personally think it is a good thing, but I did not have a boy so I never looked into it.

What were your first thoughts when you found out you were pregnant?

“Oh, shit!” My pregnancy was a total surprise and I was terrified but ecstatic at the same time.

What’s your child’s favorite toy?

She has many favorites in her different phases, but right now it’s her go fishing game.

What is one thing you miss about before you became a Mom?

Most mom’s will say sleep, but I never really slept before I had my daughter. I don’t really miss anything. I didn’t feel like my life meant anything before I had her.

What do you love most about being a Mom?

Watching her grow and learn new things. Also watching her little personality develop more and more.

What do you dislike most about being a Mom? (really couldn’t bring myself to use the word hate)

The constant battle I have with my 4 year old going to bed. The teenage attitude with my teenager and the lying with my 6 year old.

What is the thing you love most about being a mommy blogger?

I love the raw honesty of being a mommy blogger because motherhood is raw and unfiltered. I don’t care how some moms act like their life is perfect with kids, because I know they are lying. I like to blog about the raw facts about motherhood to let other struggling moms know that they aren’t alone.

Whether blogging is your full-time job or not would you change your full-time job? What would you do, what’s your dream job?

Blogging is not my full-time job even though I wish it was. I am a tech support specialist for a security and I hate it. I don’t hate being tech support, but I hate the company I work for.

What are your fave diapers to use?

I have used many. When my daughter was little, I used Luvs. When she got a little older, I used Parent’s choice because they seemed to work best at that time and then when she started moving more, Huggies little movers were the ones I stuck with.

Was your partner a big help or were they just in the way the first few weeks after giving birth?

This is a hard question for me… He wasn’t really a big help for the first year and a half of her life. I was so sleep deprived and got no help.

What is the last thing your child cried about?

Literally because I would not give her a third cupcake. -_-

What’s the one thing that puts a smile on your child’s face?

Food. Literally food all day, everyday.

What surprised you most about being pregnant?

How many friends I lost when I became pregnant. Blessing in disguise really.

How did your partner hold up during labor?

He was asleep for most of it and then when it was time to push, my mom woke him up to hold my leg…

What was the first symptom that made you think you’re pregnant?

Odd story really. I was at a bar with my babies father, and I ordered a glass of wine and I did not have the taste for it…. Which was odd, because I LOVE wine. That’s when he suggested I take a pregnancy test and BAM, I was pregnant.

How did you tell your partner? How did they react?

My ex- partner was with me when I took the test.

What old wives tales were you told during your pregnancy?

I was told the whole heartburn and hair thing which is not true because I had terrible heartburn at the end of my pregnancy and she was born with little hair.

Who do your kids look like?

I think my daughter looks more like me and obviously his kids look more like him than me. His son looks exactly like him and his 6 year old looks like her mother. The funny thing is, all three kids look alike so much even though they all have different moms.

What unusual dreams did you have while pregnant? Did you have any after giving birth?

I would have dreams of having twins or that the baby had something wrong with them. Terrible dreams.

When did you first feel your baby kicking?

The first time I really felt her kick was when I was driving in my car, blasting Aerosmith- Don’t want to miss a thing. Every since then, she would go nuts when I played music.

Do you use medication?

She doesn’t take any medication, but I do and I won’t go into detail about that other than saying I use inhalers for asthma.

Any funny ultrasound stories?

She would hide her face at almost every ultrasound appointment. Funny thing was, she would hide her face with her feet.

Did you get their ears pierced? how young were they?

I still haven’t gotten her ears pierced. I thought about doing it when she was younger but she went through a phase where she would like to play with her ears.

What did you dislike about being pregnant?

I didn’t mind any of it really, except for the last month. My morning sickness only lasted like 2 months. I never really had any extensive pains. Just uncomfortable most the time. The last month was terrible. I was huge, couldn’t fit into anything, had severe heartburn, tailbone pain to the point that I would cry sitting down and standing up.

How many people did you know that we’re pregnant at the same time as you?

Two oddly enough. literally like 2 weeks away from my due date. Now, my daughter calls my friend, Gina’s son who is about 2 weeks older, her boyfriend.

Did you have a midwife or a doula?

No I didn’t, but I wish I did. It actually kinda makes me sad, because I do not want anymore children for personal reasons.

What is the cutest thing your child does?

Her weird “Shake and spank” dance. She will shake back and forth while spanking her butt with both hands. LOL

Breastfeed or Formula?

I I breastfed and supplemented for the first 5 months but she was just too hungry and my milk would just not come in enough no matter what I did. I also had a lot of stress during this time. I would not say Breast is best because FED is best. Yes, breast milk will always be more natural but formula is so advanced now that it has all the nutrients that a baby needs.

What’s your favorite thing to do with a babe?

Snuggle and tickle them.

Was your labor easy?

Hell yes. I did not feel a thing. Stay tuned for my birth story

How long did it take after giving birth until it sank in that you’re actually a Mom now?

From when I pushed her out to them laying her on my chest. I was waiting to be a mom.

How often do you have a Date night?

Define date night… I sometimes go get carne asada fries by myself… That count?

How often do you see your Mommy friends?

For the first year of her life, I didn’t really hang out with any mommy friends. I see my few mommy friends pretty often actually.

How old were you when you had your first child?

I had her at 25. I became a step mom at 22.

Do you vaccinate your kids?

I sure do.

Was babe a good feeder when they were first born?

She latched pretty good but I did not produce enough so she was always on the boob…

If you breastfed how long did it take for your milk to come in? Did you use any tricks?

It took about a week for my milk to fully come in but I never produced a lot. I tried every trick in the book to get my milk up but nothing worked for me.

How did your family react to you being pregnant?

Well…. Some said, “Shit, that sucks…” (because they didn’t like the baby daddy) and some were excited and were so happy for me because they knew how badly I wanted to be a mom.

Did you share the name before birth? Does their name have a story behind it?

Yes I shared her name before birth. So we named her Averie because I liked the sound of the name. Story behind her first name: I was working at walmart as a cashier years before I got pregnant. and I heard a customer call their adorable littler girl that name and it stuck with me ever since. Her middle name is a hyphened name. Particia-Lee; Patricia after her Dad’s late mother’s name and Lee for after my late Grandpa.

Did your baby take to the crib? Do you co-sleep? Did you sleep train?

SO for the first like 6 months, she slept either in bed with me, or in a swing and rock N play next to my bed. Then I sleep trained her for the crib because she’s too crazy to sleep with.

When do you do most of your blogging? Do you have a routine? Are you actually able to stick to it? If so how lol?

I do most of my blogging during my work from home job. LOL I will get ideas through out the day and I will jot them down on my phone and then put them all together from the hours of 4AM TO 12:30PM. Lol I did have a routine but then mom life gets in the way, work gets in the way and then I get writers block, but I try and make sure I at least get one post in a week. I try to write posts in advance and schedule them accordingly. What I have found helps keep you blogging consistently is having weekly topics. For example, I do Friday rants.

Do you involve your children in your blogging world? How? Do you hide them from it as to protect them?

None of my kids are really interested in my blogging life. I have a teenage BOY who ignores everyone. My girls are too little to care, really.

What’s you’re a favorite way to spend time treating yourself or indulging in self-care?

I love watching Ghost Adventures alone in my room in the dark. I like to use essentials for self care.

What was your most unusual craving during pregnancy?

Broccoli. I loved every kind of broccoli. My entire pregnancy.

What’s was the hardest part about being pregnant for you?

The tailbone pain at the end of my pregnancy was unbearably painful.

How do you make time for yourself?

I don’t. My daughter stays up later than I do. I will sometimes lock myself in the bathroom while I pee just to get kid free peace. lol

What’s the funniest thing your kid has done?

Right now, it’s her shake and spank.

Did you run into any Postpartum Health concerns?

Yes. I also had depression before I got pregnant and a lot of things happened during and after pregnancy so I was bound to have postpartum depression.

Do you consider your niche strictly mommy & baby or do you branch out?

I branch out. It’s more of a mommy/ lifestyle blog / everything blog. Lol I blog what I feel.

Do you have a Bad Habit?

Oh, I have many. Swearing is a big one and no I am not working on it. None of my kids swear in front of me or other adults so I don’t see a problem.

Did you nest?

I nested my WHOLE pregnancy. I am naturally a clean freak anyways. Getting pregnant just made it worse. Lol

Did you pack a labour bag? What was the most useful thing you packed?

Yes I did and I would have to say PJ’s and slippers were most useful. lol

Are you done having kids?

Yes yes yes yes yes. After this pregnancy and the situation I was in, I an not opened at all to having another one. NOPE.

Do you Meal Plan?

If by meal plan you mean planning dinner for that same day, then yes, I meal plan. lol

Did you Baby Proof?

Oh, I baby proofed EVERYTHING. I was a first time paranoid mom. It didn’t really help though, she got passed most the baby proofing. lol

What are you and your children into right now?

Swimming and watching movies together.

Does your family budget? What are the top 3 things you consider when budgeting?

I budget… I plan for everything from bills, to food to extras we might need and some fun.

What’s one thing you would have done differently if you had the chance?

Um, not got married.

What is the one thing you’d never change?

My past because it made me who I am today and it made me realize my strength.

Someone you trust 100% offers to watch your kids for the night what are you doing?

Go play bingo. lol

What chore do you hate the most?

Doing dishes. I despise dishes.

My Nominees:

Demi Mitchell from The Lupie Momma
Amy from The adventures of a mom with a wife
Toya from The Life with LaToya
Sarah from Momin’ in the real world

Posted on 4 Comments

I used to work with pedophiles

Guys, I am disgusted and just appalled about something I found out this week. Last year, I worked for a place called, CaptionCall.. I liked working there until I was treated like shit. You can read about my experience by clicking here. I found out MORE disturbing things about this place, like the fact that the company doesn’t care about the safety of others that work there…

Apparently they hire sex offenders

I use to work with a guy named Ronald Kirsh… him and I worked the same shift and he would walk past me every morning and talk to me. Lucky for me, it never got any further than a good morning here and there. I’m pretty sure it’s because I have a resting bitch face and he thought I was scary.
Here’s the story. in 2013, Ronald Kirsh was arrested in an FBI sting for trying to lure in a 13-year-old girl to have sex with him. 13 FUCKING YEARS OLD. He is a 59 year old man (then, 53). The FBI had been investigating him for over a year… Pretty disgusting, right?
Click here for the news article about it.

Apparently CaptionCall ignores background checks

Yeah, they hired him KNOWING that. Knowing his history and what he tried to do! I worked in a SEXUAL HARASSMENT FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT with a disgusting man who tried to rape a child… LIKE WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK CAPTIONCALL?! Other people that I worked with had encounters with this guy. They were harassment by this guy. He would make sexual comments about the young girls bending over. There are 17 and 18 year olds working for CaptionCall and they made it an unsafe environment by hiring this piece of shit and covering it up. They either didn’t give him a background check or just ignored what was on his… They finally fired him because someone was brave enough to report what was happening, because Ronald was too stupid and continued with his sex offending. This still enrages me though, because I WORKED WITH HIM AND DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHO HE REALLY WAS.

You have a right

I had a right as does everyone else that works there to know how the hiring process works and CaptionCalls HR department refused to release that information. Yeah, pretty sneaky, right? Just know that YOU DO HAVE A RIGHT to know how the hiring process works and honestly, you have a right to know who you are working with when it comes to situations like this. CaptionCall is suppose to prevent sexual harassment and instead they hired a pedophile.

From a mother’s view

Now, this enrages me even more as a mother. Kids right out of High School work for CaptionCall… YOUNG KIDS. I have two young girls and this guy was obviously somewhat intelligent, because he was a very successful man and use to be a college professor AND he was about to somehow get past his record and get a job where young kids worked. What if he did have interest in me? What of he had so much interest in me that he found out more about my life and found out that I have two young girls? There are so many what if’s about this situation!

Dear CaptionCall,

I am ashamed to have ever worked for a place that obviously has no standards and doesn’t care about the safety of their employees. I am so happy that I got out of there when I did and y’all are DAMN lucky Ronald did not mess with me, because y’all would have a lawsuit on your hands for hiring a pedophile in a supposedly sexual harassment free zone and putting everyone’s safety in danger.

Posted on 3 Comments

I know it’s hard, but you can do it

“This is a story all about how my life got, flipped, turned upside down…”
Yes, I did quote Fresh Prince of Bel Air, because that show is life! If you haven’t seen that TV show, then you must live under a rock or something…

Anyways… So, I am getting a divorce. Yes, I am okay and no, I am not okay. I am okay, because it needs to be done. I have to be able to live my life to the full extent without living in sadness. I am okay because I now know my strength and I know this is right for me. The reason why I am also not okay is because the last 6 years have damaged me to the fullest extent. Things have happened that I have to remember for the rest of my life, like the utter feelings of dread and sheer sadness. (I will not being going into grave details of what happened in the last 6 years because it’s not necessary for anyone to feel hatred or sadness for me or my soon to be Ex. Trust me when I say, I have felt enough of that.)

I was in a very toxic relationship for the last 6 years and even got married knowing how toxic it was. I was belittled, verbally and mentally. I was used and taken for granted. I was betrayed and lied to, but worst of all, I lost my self confidence and self worth and even at one point, I wanted to die. I knew how toxic it was and I stayed…. I gave this person so many chances to change and every single chance I gave, they blew them, but I stayed anyways. I felt unloved, unwanted and like I could never make someone happy. I relied on another person to make me happy and that’s the biggest mistake I ever made. I let someone dictate my life and happiness which is why I felt like I could never leave…

I started going to Utah a lot to spend time with my only Grandma and she helped open my eyes to reality. She made me realize that happiness comes from within and if you don’t have happiness in yourself, you don’t have anything really. I did a complete 360. I made the choice to finally leave the toxic life I was living for so long, knowing it would probably be hard and that I would probably have moments of vulnerability. I realized that I was only staying because it was in some sense, easier. Which is true, in some aspects, but taking the easy route meant misery and regret and why would I want to continue to live my life that way? I DESERVE to be happy. I DESERVE to be happy for my daughter and she deserves to see her mom happy.

Are you in a toxic relationship?

Do you feel like you are belittled, manipulated, used and just feel unloved by the person you are with? Has this person hurt you to the point of losing yourself and your confidence? Has this person lied to you countless time to the point that you don’t feel like you believe anything that comes out of their mouth? Have you given this person multiple chances to change and no change has happened? Then you need to leave. I know it’s hard and you feel like it would be easier for you/ your children if you just stayed and dealt with it, but you DESERVE happiness too. REAL happiness. You need to teach your children that it is not okay for someone to treat another the way you are being treated. You think they don’t see it, but you are wrong…. They see it… Sadly, my daughter and my two step kids have seen a good percentage of what was done to me. I wish I would of left sooner before it go to the point of them seeing anything… I have to live with that everyday.
Yes, people make mistakes, but is it really even a mistake anymore if it’s always happening? No, it’s choice at that point and then manipulation.

You are worth more than you think!

I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life because I was too scared to leave. 6 years I won’t be able to get back! 6 years that I could of been truly happy. Don’t make the same mistake I did and stay over and over because it seems easier. You may not think that’s why you are staying, but why would you even think about leaving in the first place if it weren’t? Change is scary but living 10+ years not truly happy is even more scary. I missed out on so many opportunities. I lost a lot of friends, best friends too. I lost respect of a lot of people and I brought the toxicity into my families lives…

It’s not okay

No kind of abuse is okay. Even though I was never physically abused, I was severely mentally and emotionally abused and these kinds of abuse can sometimes be worse than physical abuse… All abuse is wrong though and you should not settler for it.

You got this, I promise

I have been where you are at. I know the feelings you are feeling. I know… You have so much strength inside of you that was hidden away. You just need to realize it and find it again. You got this. You may not know it yet, but you got this. You will eventually find that strength and change your life. That hurt you feel will eventually fade away and you’ll realize, “Fuck this shit. I’m a bad bitch and I deserve better than this.”

Posted on Leave a comment

I chose happiness

For as long as I can remember, I have been unhappy and I had many reasons…. I never blamed myself for my unhappiness, but now I realized that I am totally to blame because I chose to be unhappy. Yes, awful things happen to everyone and those things might make us sad or angry, but to continue on with those feelings instead of letting them go is entirely up to us.

I allowed others to control my happiness

I grew up very unhappy because of my little brother. He was the worst to grow up with. He was (and still is) very abusive. He hit me, lied to get me in trouble, stole and broke my things and even chased me around our kitchen table with a butcher knife. Being a little kid, it’s really hard to control our happiness in situations like this, but I chose to keep that unhappy feeling in my adult life when I could of just let it go because he is not in my life now.

I am known to fall for and stay with guys that are not right for me and treat me like garbage. I am also known for giving multiple chances to those who have hurt me over and over even though I am unhappy with the situation and person. I let it go so far that I lost my self esteem and my sense of self worth. I chose the path I chose and made myself unhappy instead of just letting go of what was hurting me. I chose to endure the pain and suffering and blamed my unhappiness on those who hurt me.

My happiness is my choice

I chose the paths in my life even though they were mentally killing me. I am to blame for my unhappiness because I did not rid my life of the negativity and toxic people. Yes, people do shitty things, unforgivable things, but that is something they HAVE to live with, you don’t because you can let it go and move on knowing you have a kind heart.

Happiness is a choice that you have to make and not depend on others to give you and that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all my life, but now I know that happiness comes from within and I choose to be happy no matter what.

A bit of advice

You should never let the fear of change or being alone keep you from making yourself happy. It never works out if you look for happiness in things other people. You need to have happiness in yourself. What I have learned from the choices I made was how strong of a person I actually am and how I don’t need someone to make me happy.

Posted on 8 Comments

Have you ever heard of angel numbers?

Have you ever looked at the clock out of no where and it said 11:11? Or maybe have you been seeing the same sequence of numbers every where you go? These are known as angel numbers.
Angel numbers are sequences of numbers that carry divine guidance by referring to specific numerological meanings. In Numerology, the divine science of numbers, it is understood that each number carries with it a specific vibrational meaning that goes beyond a simple quantity.

The other night I was texting a friend and the topic of being psychic came up (He was drunk Lol) and then somehow Angel numbers came up. He was telling how he kept seeing the same sequences of numbers everywhere he went and then he googled it and found out what angel number were and what the meaning of the specific number sequence he was seeing meant. It blew his mind because it totally went with what was going on in his life at that point. Another sequence he was seeing was telling him to do something that he had been hesitant about doing. Like signs from the universe or your guardian angel.

Some might say that this is not real and I was skeptical at first, until I realized that I had been seeing a sequences of numbers for years now. Here’s the story behind why I didn’t think anything about it.
Years ago, I was working at an assisted living facility as a PCA (Personal care attendant). I got close with a lot of residents, but not like I did with one specific woman. She was 93 years old and from France and lived in room 231. She was the sweetest, but most stubborn woman I had ever met but she loved me and wanted only me to take care of her. No one else there loved her like I did or took care of her like I did. She had years and yeas of wonderful stories about her life and what she did. In October of 2015, I quit because I was 6 months pregnant and that job became too hard for me. My little French woman was taken out of there soon after by her son and put in a smaller care facility. I made a promise to this woman that once I had my baby, that I would bring her by so she could meet her, and I did.
After I quit that job, I kept seeing 231 every where I went and it reminded me of her. I didn’t think further into it other than it was her room number and I missed her. After I introduced her to my baby, shortly after that, I saw the number 231 more frequently. I noticed it on my clock, license plates, receipts, just everywhere. Not too long after I introduced her to my baby, I got a call from her son saying she had passed away. I continued to see the number 231 more and more and still to this day, I see it. Well guys, here’s the mind blowing part…. After I found out about angel numbers, I looked up the number 231 and you aren’t going to believe what it means….

Significance & Meaning Of Angel Number 231

The angels have been trying to get your attention of late showing you the angel number 231. They say thanks for finally listening. This is what they want to tell you.

They see that you have been seeking love recently. They are saying begin to love yourself more. Begin to take care of yourself more and give yourself attention more. The number 231 is the fairy godmother saying that you should stop neglecting yourself. Start by seeing your full potential and forgiving yourself where you may feel you have wronged yourself.

I felt like I was hearing this from my little French woman.

For those who really know me, will know why this is significant to me.

I don’t know what y’all believe in, but this is comforting in a way, whether it’s an angel talking to you or the universe talking to you. If you keep noticing a sequence of numbers, look up the meaning, it may shock you. OH, and post it in the comments below, I’d love to see them.

Posted on 5 Comments

My Mormon horror stories

This is not a post to bash anyone who is Mormon. This is simply my experiences with this religion. I don’t judge anyone for their religious views. That’s not my place.

I was raised in the Mormon religion. My mom started taking us when we were young. She grew up Mormon as well. My mom’s side of the family are mostly Mormon.
I never really liked going to church. Except for when they had food or did fun activities. Three hours of church is just too long in my opinion. The first hour was for sacrament meeting which was everyone combined. The second hour was divided by age and the third hour was divided by sex. I never understood the point of the division because they taught the same thing in every class…

I always felt so uncomfortable and out of place. You shouldn’t feel that way in church, right? I have some stories about just how uncomfortable I felt. Here are my Mormon horror stories.

Pioneer Trek

When I was like 14, I was forced to go on this pioneer trek where we act like pioneers and and pull wagons in families. The worst part about this was, it was summer time and we were in the direct sun, wearing long skirts and bonnets (Guys wore long pants and long sleeved shirts) pulling wagons filled with camping stuff. I remember almost passing out because of the heat. The leaders of the group selected the families and he put me in a group with people that weren’t my friends. When we reached our camp ground, we pitched our tents and set everything up. I went in the tent to take my long ankle length skirt off and put shorts on and when I walked out of the tent, a leader saw me and demanded that I go back in the tent and put the skirt back on because the shorts I had on were not modest (They were shorts that went past my knees) I told her that was over heated and she told me that she didn’t care, so I stayed in my tent the rest of the night while everyone played games. I was made feel bad about wanting to not be hot.

Meetings with the bishop

So in the Mormon church, the bishop is the one who is the head of the one specific ward. When you become a certain age, you start having meetings with the bishop. I believe like every 3 or 6 months. Kind of like a check up to see if you are worthy and sinning. Well, I had my share of meetings with the bishops. When I was going to church, I had two different bishops, one of which was the nicest man and never made me feel uncomfortable, but the other one did. In these meetings I had with him, all of which I always felt uncomfortable and afraid that I was going to hell because I am not perfect. He asked me a lot of inappropriate questions… Like, “Do you know what masturbation is? Have you masturbated? Have you had sex with another man or woman? Are you attracted to the same sex?” Guys, I was asked these questions before I was 16 years old. Under no circumstance is it okay for an older man to ask a young girl these kinds of questions. It’s none of ANYONE’S business. It’s a natural human thing to have these urges.

Pressuring you into things using guilt

When I was younger, probably from like the age of 12 to about 17, I was terrified of public speaking. I hated reading out loud in front of anyone. The leaders of my church would always ask me to give talks in church and I would always turn them down because I was terrified of doing so. It literally made me sick because of the severe anxiety I would get. One time when I turned down giving a talk, the leader said to me, “You know, God prompted me to ask you to give a talk, so you should do it.” I literally felt so guilty for saying no and felt like everyone looked down on me for it. I was made to feel like because I said no, that I should feel bad, even though I was utterly terrified of public speaking and couldn’t help it.

It’s a sin to be who you are

Another thing that really bothered me about this church was how they taught us that being gay was a sin. I never understood this at all. One who is truly gay or bisexual doesn’t choose to be that way, it’s just who they are. The reason this has always made me uncomfortable was because as long as I can remember, I’ve been interested in both sexes. I remember when I was young, probably like around 10 or 11, I noticed girls in the way that I was told I should notice only guys when I was old enough. My first kiss was actually with a girl. My first sexual act was also with a girl. I didn’t choose to have these feelings, they were just there.It’s who I am, but I always felt guilty. I was told that if I had these feelings towards the same sex as me, that I needed to speak with the bishop and repent. Repent for what? Being who I am?

Always felt uncomfortable

I don’t ever remember of time where I felt comfortable. I always dreaded going to church. A lot of the people I met in Church were fake and their acts completely contradicted what they preached on Sundays. I was always forced to read out loud even though I told everyone that I had a fear of public speaking. I was always forced to participate in activities that I didn’t find fun. I was forced to read the bible and the book of mormon. There was a lot of forcing in this church and a lot of manipulation. A lot of the lessons terrified me. One in particular gave me feelings of fear the most. It was about going to the highest kingdom of heaven. They made a lot of people feel like they had to be perfect or damn near perfect to be able to go to the highest kingdom and be with God and your loved ones after you die.

A lot of fear and manipulation

In my opinion, the Mormon church was created as a form of control. That religion has a lot of rules and a lot of things that are considered sins. They say that judging is a sin, but what they do most is judge and make you feel like you have to live your life a certain way or you aren’t going to heaven. A few months ago, I resigned from the religion (I stopped going years ago) because I found out that they get tax breaks off of every person who is a member on record. I also found out that the tithing money that we had to pay because it’s a sin if you don’t, does not go to what I thought it did and what they say it did. It goes to pay the prophets and leaders of the church. A lot of evil things go on in this religion and a lot of people don’t see it, that’s where the fear and manipulation comes in. People are too scared to see what really is going on. God (If there is one) would not want anyone feeling like I felt being a member of this church.

Being Mormon has caused me a lot of anxiety

I use to sit up at night worrying if I was going to heaven. Worrying if I was a good person and if God really loved me. I wondered what was wrong with me for liking girls. I feared a lot at a very young age. Just recently, like maybe a few months ago, I had this dream… A dream that I actually woke up crying from. It scared me. It wasn’t a dream where I was being chased or someone was trying to kill me… It was a dream where God appeared out of a big white door that ascended from above. When he walked out of this door, I kneeled before him with my face on the ground. I felt so much fear in that dream. Not happiness, pure and utter fear. Fear that I wasn’t going to heaven because I had a tattoo and liked girls. I woke up with tears on my cheeks.

Are you an ex Mormon and have horror stories that you need to talk about? Feel free to comment below or if you aren’t comfortable with it being public, email me directly and you can talk to me about it.

I am an ex Mormon who now is boss at public speaking because no one outside the church forced me to do it. I am an ex Mormon who has tattoos and piercings. I am an ex Mormon who swears like a sailor and drinks alcohol. I am an ex Mormon who has been bisexual her whole life.I am an ex Mormon who is a good person and doesn’t need religion to determine that.