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Blogging is my mental outlet

I’ve been blogging for almost 7 years. I blog about everything under the sun of motherhood and everyday life. I blogged when I was married, when I was pregnant, when I became I mom, when I separated from my ex, when I was emotionally and mentally damaged, when I was lost, when I realized my worth when a life event happened…. Everything, I blog about everything. Mental health is my main subject as I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and panic disorder. Blogging is my outlet, a way for me to release my anxiety in a healthy way.

Why do people have to ruin it for me?

A few weeks ago my ex (Father of my daughter) came to visit our daughter (he lives in a different state for better work). Him and I get along and are civil with each other. He stays with me and my boyfriend when he comes out. Him and my boyfriend also get along very well. My ex also has a daughter with someone else that lives in my state whom I use to be friends with. He goes and spends time with them too, as he should. He came back one night and proceeded to ask me this…”Do you write about me on your blog?” I responded with, “In a way, yes, but my blog is about me and my life, not to bash anyone. Why do you ask?” He then told me that the mother of his first daughter told him that I write about him and her in my blog, but she told him in a way as if I were bashing them.

Back story

My marriage with my ex was never good, right from the beginning. He knows the things he did and how he treated me. He knows why our marriage ended. He also knows who all had a hand in our marriage ending, but him and I are still CIVIL. Him and I are still respectful to each other. Just because him and I can choose to be that way with each other now, doesn’t mean that what happened in the past didn’t have a huge effect on me. It shattered me. Things that happened literally broke me into a million tiny pieces and my ex friend, (his first daughters mother) was part of the reason why I was shattered.

Fast-forward

I don’t write about anything to just bash someone. I write about what’s hurt me, what I did, what I should have done and what I’m doing now to better my mental health. My ex tried to tell me that I shouldn’t write about the past, but the past made me who I am. The past is why I’m so broken and he is a part of why I’m broken. I write to address my anxiety and to channel it into something else, something that someone can read and relate to and not feel alone like I do all the freaking time. I write to bring awareness to all things mental health and what causes mental disorders.

I just don’t get it

There are SO MANY reasons I’m not friends with her anymore but none of those reasons are worth listing. All I’m trying to do is heal myself after so much betrayal and heartache that I carried for YEARS. All I’m trying to do is have a healthy outlet for my anxiety and depression. Why does anyone want to ruin that for me? I don’t air my dirty laundry here. I don’t air anyone else’s dirty laundry here I don’t call out people specifically and I definitely don’t try to ruin anyone else’s outlets.

I deserve peace

After all I’ve endured and put up with, ALL I’M TRYING TO DO is have some well NEEDED PEACE that I didn’t get for years. I just need calm in my life. I deserve it after what I was put through with just them two, alone.

No grudges or hate

I’m not holding grudges against anyone. Holding a grudge hurts me more in the end anyways. I just let go of people that hurt me and were continuing to hurt me. I have that right. They can choose to be bitter and talk ill about me because I made a necessary choice for my life, that’s on them. What they should do is accept it, realize it, let go and move on. Let me have my outlet and stop trying to cause issues in my life.

I will continue

I will continue my blog as I have been. I will continue my healing and I will also continue with raising awareness of mental health and any kind of abuse because neither of those should ever be taken lightly. Sometimes you have to talk about what hurt you to get past it.

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Are you enabling someone?

I don’t know how I’m getting these random ideas for blog posts lately, probably because I am quarantined in my house with my own thoughts running wild. Today’s topic is enablers.

There are many different kind of enablers. What is an enabler you ask?

An enabler is someone who is not helping a situation. It’s someone who is allowing the bad things/actions to continue. Here are some examples:

1. You find out that your grown ass kid whom is living in your house is on drugs. You see them going downhill and doing absolutely nothing positive for their life. They get to the point where they are overdosing, lying and stealing. This is the point where you need to take action and kick them out of your house. If you don’t, all you’re doing is giving them a roof to where they can do their drugs and take advantage of you underneath it. You’re an enabler.

2. You go to the doctor’s with your significant other and the doctor tells them that they are overweight and very unhealthy and it can become life-threatening if they do not change their ways, but you’re enabling them by not helping them get on the right track. You’re enabling them by going out and getting them fattening food. You’re enabling them if you’re telling them that they are beautiful the way that they are. You’re an enabler.

3. So you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is very toxic for you. They are verbally, mentally and emotionally and physically abusive, but you stay. You don’t tell anyone the truth about what’s really going on, and you stay with them. You’re enabling their behavior by not standing up to them and getting yourself out of that toxic situation. You’re making them think that it’s okay for them to treat you like you’re trash.

Tough love and ultimatums

Being in any one of these situations is hard, I know, trust me, but you’re not doing them any favors by enabling their behavior and their ways of living and you’re definitely not doing yourself any favors by doing that either. Tough love and ultimatums people, that’s what we need to do. Whatever they choose to do after is their decision, and you should not feel bad in any way.

This is my two cents for the day.

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Life can be taken from you at any time – Rest in paradise Kobe and Gianna Bryant

As you all may know, a basketball legend and his young 13-year- old daughter was taken from this earth suddenly, Sunday morning in a tragic helicopter accident.

This really hit everyone hard. He was only 41 years old and had 4 girls ages, 17, 13 (who was the one that was with him) 3 and 7 months.

As everyone I’m sure is thinking, they were way to young, which is right, they were.

This is proof that life is unpredictable and ANYTHING can happen to ANYONE at anytime.

Make sure you tell your loved ones how much you love them. Tell your babies you love them before you send them off to school. Don’t take for granted what you have right in front of you. Don’t stay mad a someone because life is just too short, but the catch is, no one knows who’s lives are shorter.

My deepest condolences go out to the Bryant family, friends and fans as well as the family, friends and fans of the others that were also taken from this Earth in that crash.

This hit me hard because of the fact that Kobe was still so young and his daughter was especially too young. As stated in various posts, she didn’t even get to reach her full potential. His younger girls are without their father and his wife is without her partner and now has to parent her babies alone with the grief of two losses.

Live life to the fullest. Love hard. Hold your loved ones tighter and don’t take anything for granted. Life is unpredictable.

Social media is flooded with pictures, memes and videos of Kobe, but y’all, the one who needs prayers and everything positive is Kobe’s wife, Vanessa.

Such a sad day for millions of people.

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5 “Bitchy” acts you shouldn’t feel guilty for

Others have probably called you a bitch for having your own opinion and speaking that opinion or for standing up for yourself and doing what’s right for you. Don’t worry about those people. If being a bitch means you stand up for yourself and have an opinion and are not afraid to speak it, then take being called a bitch as a compliment.

You should be proud of being vocal and speaking your mind. You should be proud of standing up for yourself.

5 ” BITCHY ACTS YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL GUILTY FOR

1. Saying “No”

It’s okay to say “No” in any situation, even if you know it’ll upset the other person. You have that right as a human being and no one should make you feel like you don’t have a choice. If you aren’t comfortable with something or simply just don’t want to do something, just say no.

2. Speaking your mind

I have sure been called a bitch for speaking my mind and you know? I don’t care! If someone is treating you poorly, you have every right to speak your mind. You have a right to speak your mind in any situation. Not your fault that the people in this world have become so sensitive.

3. Being honest

Everyone says they prefer honesty, but that’s not true. When someone asks you how they look in an outfit, then you should be able to give your honest opinion, even if it’s brutally honest and may hurt. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of being honest. Like I said, not your fault people in this world are so sensitive. If they didn’t want the truth, then they shouldn’t of asked you for an opinion. Your intentions were good, and you should never feel guilty for saying what you really mean.

4. Dropping people from your life

At some point in our lives, we just outgrow people or they change drastically and begin to have a negative effect on your life? Does that mean you should keep them in your life? No. Sometimes, cutting people out is necessary for your well-being. You may be called a bitch for just cutting someone out, but if protecting your well-being and mental health means being a bitch, then so be it.

5. Not wanting to hang out/breaking plans

I have been called a bitch and dropped as a friend because I told someone I didn’t want to hang out. Sometimes my mental state just needs me to stay home in my comfort zone. Sometimes I need to cancel plans because I am just simply not feeling up for it, and that is okay. You know why? Your mental health is FAR more important than your friend’s entertainment, and if they were real friends, they would understand. You shouldn’t have to make up an excuse like, you all of a sudden have to work just to get out of plans you made that you are no longer feeling up for.

EMBRACE YOUR BITCHINESS

Embrace your “Bitchiness”. If being a bitch means being honest, true, standing up for yourself and not taking shit, then embrace being a bitch. Besides, you shouldn’t change who you are to accommodate someone else’s sensitive ass. Sorry (Not really), but the real world doesn’t work that way. No one of importance is going to sugar coat shit for you because you are sensitive.

What have you been called a bitch for?

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2019 round-up

Even though 2019 was a shitty year in my opinion, I am going to try and pull the good things from it that I experienced and my favorite things from 2019. Bear with me, y’all.

Utah trips

I got to travel down to Utah multiple times throughout 2019 to see my Grandma. My best friend and I would go for a weekend and we started going every other weekend. While being there so often, we made new friends, gained new hobbies and just found some happiness and time away from our everyday lives. I got really into collecting rocks and there’s a place in Springdale Utah that has a rock store that we get 99% of our rocks from.

Coffee coffee coffee

Since going to Utah, I have become addicted to a coffee place there called River Rock Coffee. I never use to like coffee but then I started drinking cold coffee and now because of this coffee shop, I drink hot coffee, but only their hot coffee. In just one weekend, we are probably at the coffee place at least 10 times. It’s sooooo good.

Painting became a hobby

I started painting and looking for rocks with my sister, Ashlee. It became a regular and addictive thing, to look for these hidden rocks. I really got into painting them though. I believe I’ve painted over 300 rocks altogether. I realized that I am actually pretty good at painting and started painting canvases. This year, I gave custom painted canvases as Christmas presents.

Nelly!!

My best friend and I went to a concert on Freemont street in Las Vegas to see Nelly. One of my favorite artist’s since before my teenage years! Although it was jammed pack, like shoulder to shoulder packed and you could smell others body odors, we had a blast and got to cross seeing Nelly off our list! Will we ever go to a free concert on Freemont street again? Hell no, but we enjoyed it.

My hair grew back

Back in 2016, my hair was butchered (Read about it here). It was such an awkward length for what seemed like forever that I couldn’t do anything with it. in 2019, I was finally able to put in back in a hair tie! Something I wasn’t able to do for 2 years! Now it’s at a decent length where I can do all kinds of things to it! Props to my hair girl Teddi who fixed it in the first place!

Tattoo with the best friend

My best friend got me a tattoo for my birthday in November! I got my first tattoo in a garage for $40, and yes, it looks like a $40 tattoo. It’s terrible, but it has a lot of memories behind it so, I don’t think I will ever cover it up. Touch it up maybe because the lines are blown out and it’s just all around a really poorly done tattoo. My tattoo that my best friend got me is done amazingly… probably because it wasn’t done for $40 by a guy in a garage.

The best things I got in 2019!

My dog: I got my rescue puppy, Peanut in 2019 and she is the best thing I obtained. She is my shadow and I just love her.
Alexa Echo: I freaking love this thing! It does everything. I control my lights and my TV with it. It can control SO much more though. I use it for my alarms, my grocery list, to-do list, reminders, and for calling. I am obsessed with this and I highly recommend it!
Rocks: As funny as this sounds, I got A LOT of really awesome rocks in 2019. I got all my rocks in 2019 actually. My room is filled with them. I also won a giant piece of Honeycomb calcite in a silent auction for dirt cheap.

The foods I was addicted to in 2019

Carne Asada Fries– I ate so much of this and I am pretty sure that’s why I gained 10 lbs.
French Toast: My best friend and I went to breakfast A LOT in 2019 and we ate A LOT of french toast!
Potato Soup: I LOVE potato soup and have pretty much survived off of it in 2019. I know, I know, so much starch. lol
Tacos: Not taco’s like taco bell, but like REAL tacos. I REALLY love El Pollo Loco’s tacos!
Avocado: I love Avocado on pretty much anything. Anything that has to do with avocado, I love it.
BLT’S: I ate so many BLT’s. Like my whole body weight in BLT’s WITH avocado!!!

2019 was a really painfully hard and shitty year for me. I was lied to, cheated on, betrayed and was sick like 90% of the year. I found out that I have asthma, carpel tunnel and issues with my lower back and hips. I also have sinus issues. Literally I have felt the sick for the whole year. I still wanted to try and remember the good that came from it though, hence this post.

What did you like about 2019? Did you take any trips or discover something new?

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Goodbye 2019

2019 was a pretty hard year… Alright, 2019 sucked ass! I had nothing but hurt, deceit, and sickness the whole fucking year.

I was lied to by those close to me.

I was cheated on.

My anxiety worsened.

My depression worsened.

Panic attacks all over the damn place.

I was played.

I was used.

I lost trust in just about everyone.

My health declined.

I hated this year. There were some good things, of course, but the bad was more present… I remember thinking quite often, “Why me?” Why did all this shit happen to me?

I’m not perfect, but I did not do to anyone what was done to me…

HERE’S TO 2020

I let too many people in my life that were just toxic. I forgave too many people when I knew I wasn’t ready to and that worsened my anxiety. I’m not doing that this year. This year is about me and my mental health.

You do me wrong, bye.

You lie to me, bye.

You betray me, bye.

You try and play me, bye.

I’m not dealing with any of it anymore. I deserve better and so does my mental health.

Happy New year everyone. Make it a great one. Do great things, and make great memories.