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It’s honestly scary how another human can change you

I’m about to get real personal right now because this full moon got having the damn feels…

I’m sad… Not because I’m getting a divorce anymore… Not because I was cheated on, or belittled, but because I’m different now.

What made me, ME before, isn’t what makes me now… I was open, optimistic, and and undamaged. Today, I’m resentful, bitter and so beyond damaged that I wouldn’t even make it to the clearance shelf.

People have always told me to not let anyone change who I am, but when you give a piece of your soul to someone, a piece of YOU, to someone, it’s impossible to not give them that power to change you.

I thought after I mourned the loss of my “relationship”, I would feel better, even just a little bit, but I don’t, because I’m still mourning… I think a lot about how I use to think before, how I felt before, and how I lived before and it’s not easy to realize how much a person changed you for the worst…

I hate the way I am. I hate that I don’t look at love the same way that I use to. I hate that I’m so resentful. I hate that I have no trust anymore. I pretty much hate this me that I am right now.

Time to heal.

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I was told to “Just be happy”

I really wish people would do some research on mental health and what it does to a person. I was told once, “Why can’t you just be happy?” Like if I could just be happy don’t you fucking think I would be?! Do you think I am just choosing sadness and depression? Um, NO. I wouldn’t choose this nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. Battling with your own brain is by far the worst.

I was asked once, “Why do you post so much sad shit on Facebook?” Oh gee, I don’t know, maybe because I’M FUCKING SAD, Lisa! Did you even ask if I was okay?! No? Then don’t talk to me about the sad shit I post. Move along little doggy.

Someone asked me if I was okay once and when I responded with an honest answer, which was “No”, their reply was, “You should seek professional help.” Okay, this is like the last thing you want to say to someone when they tell you they aren’t okay. If they tell you they aren’t okay, more than likely it was hard to even tell you that. When you tell them to go get professional help, it’s basically saying that you don’t want to listen. Most of they time, all they want is someone to listen and just BE there for them, no advice.

Do your research people, don’t be ignorant

I cannot say this enough, MENTAL HEALTH IS VERY REAL AND IT REALLY MATTERS! Do your research so you don’t hurt someone who is already hurting. You have no idea what battle they are fighting within themselves.

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Does the bitterness ever end?

Does the bitterness I have towards love ever end?

I gave so much love to someone who just threw it in the dirt and stepped on it. So, needless to say, I’m pretty bitter about anything that has to do with love.

I’ll scroll though Facebook and read all the love quotes and catch myself rolling my eyes.

I’ll see pictures of my friends and their significant others and I either envy their love or I think, “They’ll just hurt you in the end”. Some days, I just cry and shut the whole world out because I don’t feel good enough for anyone.

I use to watch a lot of love movies, so my expectation of love was pretty high (stupid misleading love movies), but now I can’t help but think that love really doesn’t exist for me and I’m going to die alone with all this love I have to give because no one can give me what I give in return.

I’m human, so a huge part of me wants craves that love, but an even bigger part of me is terrified to get close to ANYONE ever again.

If y’all are still reading, thank you for being a dedicated follower, especially while I go though this hard time in my life. I’ll get back to my normal blogging, as soon as I heal, but for right now, this is my only outlet.

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I want to ‘Bye Felicia’ everyone

Anyone ever just want to up and move somewhere and not tell anyone? Yeah, I’m at that point in my life.

My life has been full of drama for the last like 5 years straight. The kind of drama that seems to just follow you because there’s no way to just fully avoid it.

People keep trying to talk to me about MY business when the LAST thing I want to do is talk about it. It’s really hard to mentally deal with something when everyone won’t leave you alone about it.

I feel like the only one I can really trust 100% is my damn self. It’s such an isolating feeling when everyone you know has done something to hurt you or betray you in some way. I literally feel like I have no one to fully lean on.

One thing I know I got out of all the bullshit I’ve been through though is that fact that I’m more intune with my gut instincts and if I’ve learned anything after all I’ve been through, it would be to ALWAYS trust your gut. For a long time (longer than I’d like to admit), I ignored my instincts because I wanted to see the good in people… Sometimes there’s just more deceit in a human being than there is good and it took me so long to realize that.

I’m overwhelmed

I’m just overwhelmed with life and the drama that’s attached to mine, that I just want to up and move without telling anyone. I just need a break. My mind needs a break from the excessive thoughts that it creates due to the anxiety that was caused by what people did to me. I need to get a grip on my life again without people questioning me or pushing their way into my life.

This past month has been hard for me. My mind goes a million miles an hour and in all different directions. One minute I feel happy with my life and the ones in it and the next minute, I feel like I can’t trust anyone.

I just want to be able to do shit by myself without being questioned or without me worrying about how someone else feels about it or if I’m hurting someone else’s feelings.

I just need a break. Anyone have a cabin in the middle of no where that me and my daughter can escape to for a few years? Lol

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Inside my mind during it’s darkest time

My breath becomes short…

Me body becomes numb…

Everything around me disappears in a haze…

My thoughts all come flowing in at once with no time to sort them out…

I feel nothing but everything all at once….

I’m completely numb and left with just my mind…

My mind is not in the right state…

I feel an overbearing amount of emotional and mental agony… All… At… Once…

The mental pain is too much but my body feels nothing….

The pain needs to escape my mind so I can physically feel again…

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An open letter to the one who should be proud of me

It seems to you that I’ve done nothing in my life for you to be proud of, at least that’s how you’ve made me feel my entire life.

You have never told me once that you’re proud of who I am or what I’ve done… Yet you brag about my siblings, but not me. You brag about the one who has hurt a lot of people.

I have had a job since I was 15, moved out and became an adult and created a family, and you are proud of the one who has no responsibilities? The one who drug his family though the dirt?

I have a question though… Why can’t you be proud of me too? Why can’t you brag about my accomplishments?

What did I ever do to be the least favored one? What did I do to deserve belittling words and criticism all the time?

Sometimes (sometimes it’s an understatement) I struggle…. Mentally, emotionally and financially, but I always pull myself out of it. Why can’t you be proud of how strong I am?

I’ve struggled to the point of not wanting to be alive… Why can’t you just be proud that I am still breathing?

Why can’t you just be proud of anything I’ve ever done instead of tearing me down and telling me how proud you are of someone else all the time?

I am here, I’m alive when for so many years, I didn’t want to be. I’m responsible and I pull myself out of my darkest times. You are there for everyone else, but me.

Why can’t you even just ask me if I’m okay? Why can’t you just even pretend that I matter to you?