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So.Many.Triggers.

I know I am not consistent with posting, I haven’t been consistent for a while and it’s because my life is pretty inconsistent, but as I am all up in my feels and my anxiety filled thoughts tonight, I thought this would be a good opportunity to post about it.

Have you ever been in a relationship so mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive that when you finally get out of it, it still feels like you’re living through it even though you aren’t? Do you have triggers that instantly throws you in a flashback to where you remember the smell, the sound, if it was hot or cold when the traumatic thing took place? I have a TON, so I thought I would share them in hopes that maybe it would relieve some of the anxiety I feel on a daily basis because of them.

Trigger number one

Coffee. Yep, the smell of coffee is one of my triggers. One of my ex’s made coffee all the time… He also used to degrade me all the time so my messed up brain now apparently correlates the two so when I smell coffee, I’m instantly thrown into a flashbacks of when I was degraded to the point where I felt like nothing. The worst part of it is, I like coffee and I like the smell of it.

Trigger number two

My ex would spend soooo long in the bathroom and at first I thought it was just because of his stomach problems… Later I found out that he would take his phone in there and hide the fact that he was texting other women. He knew that I wouldn’t bother him in there so I guess he figured that was a good place to plan to cheat on me. Totally sucks for my boyfriend now because he also has stomach problems and takes his phone in there but I know he’s not doing what my ex did… Still a trigger of mine though.

Trigger number three

My ex would fall asleep on me on purpose when I was upset about something just so he didn’t have to hear it… I felt so alone and so unloved to the point that I often wondered why I was still even alive. Again, sucks for my boyfriend now because when he does it, even when I’m not upset about anything, I instantly panic. All those feelings of feeling unloved instantly come back even though I know my boyfriend I have now loves me.

Trigger number four

Any change in tone when my boyfriend is talking to me instantly triggers me and I become very defensive…. It triggers such horrible flashbacks for me… When my ex didn’t like what I had to say, it would always end in him yelling at me, degrading me, calling me names and to the point where I would hide in the bathroom panicking to the point where he would just come find me to degrade me more by calling me crazy and threaten to take my daughter away because I was panicking due to him.

Trigger number five

Clutter and disorganization is also a trigger for me… When I was with my ex, I would always clean everything… I would make sure everything was in it’s right place… When he couldn’t find something he wanted or needed, it would put him in a crap mood that of course he took out on me… One of the worst memories I have was when one morning he was looking for his wallet and he couldn’t find it and was swearing and yelling so I told him I would help him find it and then asked him where was the last place he remembers having it and his response was so disgusting…. He said, “I don’t f*cking know you stupid c*nt!”

Trigger number six

When they want to hang out with their friends… Once again, this sucks for my boyfriend. I would never tell him he can’t or that I don’t want him to but it is one of my triggers that gives me severe anxiety. My ex would tell me that he’s going to a friend’s house when really he would go out and gamble or cheat on me… Or both at the same time with a cocktail waitress that knew me.

Trigger number seven

Gas stations… I know, an odd trigger, right? Of course there is a messed up reason for it. My ex went to gas stations every day before and after work for what I thought was just drinks… Come to find out, it was because he got the attention of other women in said gas stations he went in. Here’s the best part… One of the gas stations he would go into (his favorite one), I went in with him sometimes and there was this woman who worked there who complimented his wedding ring and thought it was awesome (it was camo) and she even complimented mine because it matched… I found out weeks later that he gave her his number and they started sexting some really nasty things… Our daughter was only 4 months old at the time.. which leads me to….

Trigger number eight

Being pregnant is a trigger for me. Yes, I just recently had my second baby with my boyfriend now, but let me tell you… The amount of anxiety and panic I had during that pregnancy was enough to make a therapist question their career choice. When I was pregnant with my first, I still did everything alone… I went to all my appointments alone and most of her doctors appointments alone…. I took care of her for the first year and half of her life (when it was the hardest and I was so sleep deprived and depressed) alone. I did all the hard shit alone…. While he let me do them alone…

Trigger number nine

Looking at my bank account is a trigger for me… Even though I know how to manage money and save, I still get severe anxiety looking at my bank account…. My ex always had to have money… When I made sure all the bills were paid and there was food in the house and gas in the cars, sometimes we’d be left with little to no money and my ex hated that. He hated not having money for himself even though I never got money for myself… He would ask me to check the bank to see if we had any more for him to get cigarettes or something for him, I usually ended up telling him no because I paid all the bills… I had to deal with his anger and bad moods all the time because of this…. He always made us late on bills because of this.

Trigger number ten

This one’s a big one for me… Getting remarried is a huge trigger for me. I was with my ex for 6 years and 4 months and married to him for 3 years and 11 months. I’ve been separated from him since 2019…

I was 6 and a half months pregnant when him and I got married… At our reception, he got at drunk and dropped a full beer bottle on my foot and bruised my toe so bad that my nail almost came off, of course he didn’t remember doing that… When we got home the night, we were opening our gifts and he got mad about something and yelled at me and said, “I shouldn’t of married you.”

As much as I want to marry who I’m with now because he’s literally everything I’ve wanted in a partner, my brain correlates the thought of getting remarried to all of the toxicness that I had during my first marriage.

I am so beyond damaged

I am so beyond damaged. I know part of it is own my fault because I allowed the toxicness to go on for so long but I think maybe it was because that I loved that man with every fiber of my being, I love him so hard that I looked past every red flag that was literally thrown in my face. I hid what was really going on so no one would think bad of him….

What I realized though, is the fact that none of that is love. I don’t think I did any of those things just out of love as much as I did out of fear… Fear that he would take my daughter away from me. Fear that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Fear that no one would want me after this because of how broken I was.

Hello, my name is Jessie and I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD due to a very emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive past relationship. I am not perfect in any means but I have a big heart. I am anxiety-filled all the freaking time and I have so many triggers I’m shocked that people don’t run the opposite direction when they get to know any bit of who I am. Bathroom floor feels like my safe spot when I panic. I also lose so much hair because of the constant stress I have due to my anxiety.

If you have read this far, thank you for actually caring about me and not not running the opposite direction.

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Guess who’s back? Back again.

OH MY GOD, I’M STILL BLOGGING. Yes, I’m still alive. I wouldn’t say alive and well per se, and I’ll get into that in a bit. I have SO MANY updates for you guys and I’m just gonna throw them all in one because obviously I can’t just do weekly updates anymore. *Facepalm*

First things first

Well, after a really hard relationship, I didn’t think I would be in or want another one, but… I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and I’m actually truly happy I decided to give him a chance to see if he was able to break down my walls, and he was.

Second, and this one’s BIG

Well… As crazy as this may sound (and it does sound crazy), I’m pregnant! This is also something I thought would never happen again. I was actually dead set on it not happening, my we’re happy about it and my 4 (almost 5) year old daughter is ecstatic about being a big sister.

What I mean by not exactly alive and well per se…

I’m only a little over 10 weeks pregnant and I’ve had “morning sickness” non stop. I mean like bad! If I throw up once, I’m throwing up the rest of the day. I have felt so sick that I couldn’t even move. It wasn’t like this with my first. I’m also having pain with this one in my hips. I’m having heartburn really early too. This one’s going to be rough. We’re hoping for a boy but my daughter wants it to be a girl.

New things

I’ve changed a lot in my life in the past few months… I kicked al the negative people out of my life and I did that before I even found out I was pregnant. I can’t deal with anymore drama and people pretending they are actually my friends.

Back in August, my car broke down for good. It is almost a 20 year old car so I wasn’t willing to put more money into it just to have it break down again, but I got a new car in September. Back in March, I quit my technical support job because I was being treated like shit. I just started my new job on November 2nd and I’m getting paid $2 more an hour than my last job!

A lot of good has happened but my mental health has actually declined…

Bang pregnant has really taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. It seems like my sad days have increased. My overall tiredness is at its max and I feel like I could sleep for weeks but my anxiety and insomnia won’t even allow me to sleep a full 6 hours.

Even though I know I have a solid man in my life who is going to stick by my side through all of this, I still have a lot of fear caused by my past. My past has left me with a lot of visible scars. There are things I thought I got past but really haven’t and it damaged me more by rushing my healing process.

Don’t rush healing y’all

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made was rushing my healing and forgiving and letting go when I wasn’t ready to. It worsened my mental health. I’ve bled on those who did not cut me because of it.

When I first started dating my boyfriend back in May, everything was going great for like the first month… Then my anxiety and PTSD from my past kicked in and I started having nightly panic attacks with flashbacks… It was every single night. I finally reached my breaking point and pretty much kicked everyone out of my life so I could try and heal with no distractions. Best decision I ever made because later I found out that the people I kicked out of my life were talking bad about me behind my back. I literally lost all trust for everyone again.

I’m not there yet…

I’m no where near where I want to be mentally but that’s the point of healing. I still have panic attacks almost on a weekly basis. I don’t sleep for more than 4 hours consistently a night and my new thing is nightmares. Yup… I’ve been having God awful nightmares that I’ll wake up feeling so scared from and can’t even talk about, which is not something that’s happened to me since I was a kid.

I’ll attempt to be more consistent

I make no promises, but I’ll try to be more consistent with blogging. Pregnancy brain is real this time around and I’m forgetting everything. It also doesn’t help that I have a lot going on on top of my mental health and where it’s at right now, but blogging has always been an outlet for me so I’m really going to try and do it more.

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Forever wearing the cloak of invisibility

Yes, I am referencing Harry Potter, but it’s fitting.

Why the cloak of invisibility, you ask?

Ever since I was little, I always felt like I was so invisible to everyone. I was homeschooled up until 9th grade, so I was pretty sheltered. When I hit middle school age, I made friends from the church I use to go to. As soon as freshmen year came, and I was going to an actual high school, all the friends I made, disappeared like I didn’t exist. This continued throughout all of high school. Friends left me, I was never included in anything with anyone, and insensitive comments were made about me.

It took so long

It took me a really long time to come out of my shell and not feel invisible only to be right back to where I use to be as an adult. I’m interrupted when I talk to most people. People will stop listening before I’m even done talking. Comments are still made that are insensitive, right in front of me like I’m invisible. People will disappear from my life after I was there for them through their hard times.

I’m kind to everyone

I’ve always been kind to everyone. I forgive when I probably shouldn’t. I’m there for people who has turned their back on me. I’m just all around kind to everyone, even those who have let me down.

Forever invisible I guess

Having depression and anxiety makes this worse obviously. I’m the kind of person that will just shut down when I feel invisible. I’ll get stuck in my own head and get lost there.

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Anxiety makes itself present even when you’re happy…

For those of you who have anxiety, you’ll understand this post completely, but those of you who don’t, I’m going to explain what I mean.

It started with the wrong person

As y’all know from previous posts, I was in a long, mentally and verbally abusive relationship for 6 years. I was belittled in every way someone could be belittled. All I remember about the relationship was having moments of being happy, or what I thought was being happy, followed by being hurt in the worst way possible. Every single time. I thought this person was my forever, so I stayed. I thought I was just crazy and being sensitive. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression like 4 years into the relationship, so I wasn’t crazy.

I didn’t get the mental support I needed

I was called crazy all the time for any feeling I had other than happy. I was yelled at and belittled during times that I just wanted to die. I was threatened during panic attacks or just straight ignored. I was looked at as crazy no matter what I did, even though I didn’t do anything that would classify as crazy.

I’m happy now, but my anxiety is worse

You’d think that my anxiety would be better since I’m truly happy, but it isn’t. In a sense, it kinda makes sense if you think about it. Anytime I thought I was happy in the past, it was followed by something that hurt me and this went on for over 6 years. I am truly happy, but my anxiety is says, “Are you really going to stay happy though? This person will hurt you too.” Part of me knows he won’t hurt me and wants to be happy with him, but the other part (Anxiety), says otherwise because of my past.

He’s different in every sense of the word.

The guy I’m with now doesn’t belittle me and make me feel crazy for having anxiety. In fact, he does the complete opposite. He helps me through my anxiety and panic attacks and understands why I have them. He even understands why my anxiety is worse now than it was before. He senses my anxiety before I even say anything about it and is right there! This is something I’m not use to so, naturally I think I’m going to end up hurt again.

He can pull me out of a panic attack

He’s the first person who has ever conquered pulling me out of a panic attack and back to myself. He literally stops what he’s doing to help me. He’s noticed patterns with my panic attacks and anxiety and he’s counteredacted them. When my anxiety gets bad and I don’t want to tell anyone, I stick my headphones in and drown out the world with music because that’s the only thing I’ve ever really had. The minute he sees that, he drops everything and grabs me. I don’t usually speak during panic attacks like this so, he found a way to speak to me. He takes my phone and puts certain songs on and sings them to me. He doesn’t take my music away, but he acts through it.

He stuffers too

He stuffers from anxiety, depression, paranoia and PTSD so, he understands me on a different level and knows I can’t control it. What gets me the most though is the fact that this man has been through some really traumatic things that I can even imagine going through, yet he still stops what he’s doing to get me back to myself. He’s stuffers more than most that I know. His anxiety is worse than most I know, yet he’s got the biggest heart than most I know, even after all he’s been through. He’s so selfless, especially when it comes to the mental health and physical health of others.

Anxiety is real and you aren’t crazy

If someone is making you feel like you are crazy for your mental health, then that human being isn’t your person. If they are belittling you for your mental health, then that human isn’t your person. If they are making your mental health worse, then that human isn’t your person! You are not crazy, even though your mental health is telling you different.

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PTSD Awareness month-It’s real even if you can’t see it

As I have stated before, Mental Health is very real, even if you can’t see it, it’s there. In honor of PTSD awareness month, you will hear the story of my boyfriend, Scotty Rayburn who suffers from PTSD.

PTSD is REAL

  1. When were you diagnosed with PTSD?
    Approx March of 2018 is when I was diagnosed with PTSD
  2. What caused your PTSD?
    The October 1st mass shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada.
  3. How has being diagnosed with PTSD affected your life?
    It has affected it in many different ways: Lack of sleep, constant paranoia, depression and panic attacks.
  4. If you had one piece of advice for someone who also suffers from PTSD, what would it be?
    To talk about it and not to hold it in. Ask for help.
  5. What can someone do to help you with your PTSD?
    Just be around and listen, don’t try and force me to do something. Just knowing someone is there helps. Just knowing you understand helps.

His Story: *TRIGGER WARNING*

On October 1st 2017, I was working as a bike security officer for a casino on the strip. I was doing a patrol around my facility when I hear what sounded like fireworks. A concert was going on, the route 91 harvest festival was on the other side of the building, so I thought they were just celebrating. Then I hear over my radio, There is a active shooter.”  That’s when I rode as fast as possible to get to the other side of the building to see what was happening. When I got there, I noticed there were hundreds of people running past me, yelling at me to turn around and run because there was a shooter chasing them. I couldn’t turn around, I had to continue to help people even though I truly wanted to hop in my car and run, I couldn’t. I went as far as the gate that was knocked over, to help grab whoever I could. I was not aware of where I was or what I was doing, I was just doing whatever my brain was telling my body to do. I remember helping people back into the building, guiding people to a safer location while bullets were hitting the ground around me, and the building near me. After the majority of people were in a safer location, I ran inside. What felt like hours, was only minutes. I start cutting clothes and boots off of people to use as tourniquets to help keep them from bleeding out. The whole time I heard people throughout my casino, yelling through the radio that they need help helping people also. I provided an escort for the police to a room where I got a call stating someone was shot in the head, and was losing a lot of blood. I escorted police and ambulance to him, and when they opened the door, I saw the swelling on his skull where the bullet or shrapnel entered. They took him to get help and told everyone else to stay back. His wife was screaming and crying, so I pulled her out to go with me. I figured he needed her and she needed him, for I would want my wife in that situation. I called my fiancé at the time, and said to her, “There is an active shooter. I have to evacuate people. I love you, I got to go.”  The whole time while trying to fight back tears, I felt that could have been the last call I ever made. At that point, the shooting had stopped to my knowledge. So, we started getting everyone into one giant room to start conducting a more thorough triage on them. My phone was ringing the whole time, but I was to busy to answer to my mom, dad or sister calling over and over to get ahold of me. After that night, I felt I had to stay strong and make people think it’s alright, and that I’m fine. I was battling every day, trying to figure out what happened, what did I do wrong? Did I help anyone? Did I run? The night was a blur for me. On January 30th, in my hotel of the casino I worked for, I was on lunch and I got a call stating someone wasn’t breathing and that they needed help. I ran as fast as possible to get to the room to help. There was a man laying on the ground and his brother who stated that he had called 911 and then fell over. So, I check his pulse and he was breathing, but very faint. The ambulance was on their way. Because he was still breathing, I did not start CPR. I was completely untrained at that time for that kind of situation because my job didn’t train for this.  When the ambulance got there, they immediately pronounced him dead. He started gasping seconds before they got there. I was stuck in the room when they ripped his clothes off and started CPR and injected steroids into his shin. I couldn’t take my eyes off the situation for I felt this couldn’t be real. My boss had to turn around and he never once came into the room to help me, he stood outside. That was the second step into my PTSD. I kept working and acting like nothing was wrong, but knowing I had a guy I didn’t know, die in my arms was eating me up along with the months of fighting off my thoughts of the shooting.

Fast-forward to Superbowl Sunday…I was watching the Superbowl because my team, the Eagles were playing the patriots. My team won and I got super happy but then felt really weird. Little did I know then, but it was my first sign of anxiety ever. The next day, I worked a 7-hour shift. When I was logging in an item at work, I felt dizzy, faint, and weak. I couldn’t stand or talk or even grip anything. I radioed my boss and told him that I needed help. They called an ambulance and after the paramedics arrived and took my vitals, they said my blood pressure was 210 over 125 and took me to the hospital. After hours, the doctors told me that I was fine to leave. So, I went back to work, grabbed my stuff and went home. I went back into work the next day feeling fine. I smoked a cigarette and then walk into the office because I started feeling weird again. My boss looked at me and asked, “Are you alright? Your eyes look super dilated and you look really pale.” They called an ambulance again and the paramedics took me to the hospital, just to be told the same thing I was told yesterday. So, for weeks my boss tried to work with me, but like every group of people, they get tired of seeing someone getting help where its needed and not them. So, I continued to work and fight through it, but my boss told to me that he will not be working with me because I was upsetting others. He told me that he was tired of hearing it and that if I called out, missed work, or left early, I would be getting write ups. So, I asked his boss to get me papers for workers comp. I spent weeks fighting them to get me workers comp papers. I eventually got the papers and then was sent to therapy. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and paranoia, so they put me on anti-depression medication. I started taking them for about a month, but I was in a relationship with my fiancé who kept telling me to just get over it and that she doesn’t understand how I can let this beat me and destroy me like it was.  I ended up confiding in alcohol while I was on those meds to see if that would help me feel even more numb. I ended up cheating on my ex because of it. I told her what I had done and we split up. A few months later, I was still drinking every day while on the same meds. I felt like a robot or a zombie, and I loved not caring or worrying about anything. I felt like I wasn’t hurt anymore, I felt like I was fixed, but I was very toxic and angry to everyone else and wasn’t aware of how I was treating others. My family kept saying I needed to get over it because they didn’t understand what mental health meant. I heard it so many times that I eventually snapped and told them that I’m leaving. My mom grabbed me and hugged me while she cried. She said that my eyes changed colors that day and she felt an energy that wasn’t her son anymore. At that time, I owned a firearm and made an unconscious decision to drive home while drunk to retrieve my firearm. I called a few people and told them I was going to kill myself in front of my dad. I wanted him to watch so he can see me get over it. I wanted to end the pain. I wanted to stop feeling pain, anxiety and depression every single day. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be whole again. I drove probably close to 100 plus miles an hour to get back to my house to do this. My brother who I had called, told my mother to call 911. I pulled up in the drive way and my sister was standing in front of me crying. I chambered a bullet and put my gun to my head and said, “Get away from me sis! I don’t want you to watch me do this!” She walked away crying and freaking out. I was told later that I said, “Richard, come outside! You want to watch me get over it so, let me show you how.” Richard is my Father and he didn’t respond. I walked to my car really fast and sat in the driver seat double checked that I had a bullet in the chamber and when I go to get up I heard, “Get out the vehicle with your arms up.” I then saw an easier way out… I thought that maybe if I showed them my gun, they would just end my misery for me. I go to stand up to put my plan into action and I heard my sister yell, “Don’t shoot my brother!” as she hit the ground, screaming and crying. Because of her, I snapped back to myself. I threw my gun on my seat and stood up and obeyed the police. When I turned around, I saw 20 plus cops with all their guns drawn on me. I got cuffed and put into the back of a cop car. My family told them what I went through and what happened and why I was suicidal and because of that, I got a medical arrest. I didn’t go to jail but I did spend a week in a hospital doing nothing but thinking. I suffer from anxiety every minute of every day and still don’t know how to cope years later. I have noticed pain in areas of my body I have never even felt before. I cry a lot now. I go to hospitals for the pain I have and get told that I have nothing wrong without even being checked because of my mental history. I get told that I’m fine with minimal help, every single time. I lost my free ride to college and I lost $30,000 because my ex used it all before, we split. I lost my job, my house, my animals and my ex fiancé. I have slowly been learning how to cope again, but I have faith that I will be able to feel whole again and that I will be close to normal again. I spend most of my time focusing on helping others now that I am aware of what is wrong with me. And to be honest, I wouldn’t change my story one bit because, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, so I’m glad it was me that it happened to and not someone else. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. I love you, and hope that this makes you realize that you aren’t alone. Ask for help like I did and don’t ever feel like you aren’t enough, because you are.

What I saw and what I thought:

Back in September of 2018, I was sitting in my living room with my kids and I see red and blue lights flashing on my walls. What I saw when I looked out my window affected me in a way I can’t explain. I saw my neighbor, Scotty with a gun to his own head and about 10 cop cars surrounding him. The only thing I thought was, “That boy needs someone, he’s hurting bad.” I found out later that he was having a panic attack due to his PTSD. Fast forward to a few weeks to a month or so… I officially met Scotty when he walked into my garage. That’s when he told me his story about what caused his PTSD. I literally went inside and cried for him. The thought of someone going through that much mental pain and trauma was hard to even think of. I just wanted to hug him.

Mental Health is VERY MUCH REAL

Like I have said many times before, Mental Health is a serious thing. It needs to be taken more serious. This picture was taken during one of his panic attacks. You can literally see the mental pain and sadness in his face. This is such a heart breaking photo and I cried when he showed me. Being an empath, I pick up on EVERY emotion, even through photos and I felt every emotion he felt just looking at this picture.

How you can help someone with PTSD

Just like any mental health issue, you don’t want to tell them what they need to do. Just be there for them and LISTEN. Ask them how you can help, sometimes they won’t know what they need and that’s when you just need to say, “Well I will be here for you every step of the way, I’m not going anywhere.” They NEED to know that they have someone who isn’t going to pity them and just be there for them. They NEED to know that you understand that they are mentally hurting and that they can’t always control it. Mental illnesses can make it seem like there is something medically wrong with you as well. It can make you feel like you are having a heart attack, breathing problems, and even a stroke. You need to just be there and listen, don’t tell them they are crazy because they are actually feeling these things. Be their support. Listen and just be understanding.

Mental health isn’t always physically visible so don’t judge or assume

This was a really hard post for me to write because I have been put down for my mental illnesses and it hurts more than anything because it’s not something I can control at all. It’s a constant, tiring fight between me and my brain. Scotty has been told to “Just get over it” after the traumatic event he went through… This is the number one thing you should NEVER tell someone who is mentally struggling. One of the biggest reasons why this was a hard thing for me to write is because, he’s my person. He is who I am suppose to be with. I can feel it in my soul. So many WHAT IF’S run through my brain. What if I didn’t have him?
Scotty is such a caring and very protective person with such a huge heart. He always worries about how other’s are doing and feeling over worrying about himself. My soul connected with his and all of a sudden, everything finally made sense. Words cannot describe how happy I am that he walked into my garage that day.

Please, if you are struggling mentally, seek help. Talk to someone. The world is better with YOU in it!

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Let me tell you bout my mama

I’m not the best at picking out guys, I’ll admit. I’ve gotten hurt by pretty much all of them… I remember what the hurt felt like from everyone of them, but what I didn’t realize until I became a mom was that it wasn’t just hurting me…

My mom was right by my side though EVERY hurt I experienced. She was there through every trial I went through. When I cried, she did to.

16 year old me

When I was in my teenage years, I was dating someone who was very verbally abusive and he was always yelling at me. One day when we were in my room, he’d yelled at me and punched a hole in my wall and my mom was the first one in the room to threaten him.

Early 20s

I remember once shortly after I first moved out and into my own place, I was really having a hard time with a guy I was dating and just needed space, but he followed me for days. He followed me to work, was there when I got off and even followed me to friends houses. My mom said, “Just come over and stay here for a while, he won’t get past me.”

My adult life

About 5 years ago, I called my mom after I had gotten into a fight with my boyfriend at the time. I was telling her how ugly and unloved and just unnecessary I felt and she told me that I needed to get dressed and put my makeup on and she’d be there to pick me up.

My last relationship was a train wreck that literally shredded every good thing about me to pieces. This was the hardest relationship of mine for my mom to watch, but she was there from day one of it and still is even after I told him I wanted a divorce. She didn’t once tell me I was stupid for staying (even though I know she was thinking it), but she never left my side when bad things happened even though she knew they were going to happen.

This woman

My mom has seen the absolute worst of me. When I say worst, I mean like she wouldn’t let me drive and wanted to take me to the hospital kind of worst. She was there when I mentally wasn’t. She held me when I wanted to just die. She picked me up NUMEROUS times and didn’t let me just fall. She has been my rock in ALL of my hard times. She’s been my support in so many ways and still is…

One time when she was crying with me, I asked her why she was crying and she said, “Because my daughter is hurt and when you’re hurt, I hurt for you.” At the time I didn’t really get it, but now being a mom, it makes perfect sense.

I don’t think she really knows what it means to me to have the constant love and support that she’s given me. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be alive.

Love you Mama.