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When I needed you, you weren’t there

This post isn’t about anyone specifically, but about every time I turned to someone, how they turned me down. I know, this seems like a downer post, but it’s to help everyone who has been turned down and to those who didn’t listen to their loved one who needed them. I will not be naming who specifically said these things.

They weren’t there when I needed them

When I was having a hard time with my relationship with my soon to be Ex- husband, I turned to my friend to vent and told her what my thoughts were and how I was feeling, which was utterly shattered. I told her I was thinking of divorce because of all the mental abuse, cheating and lying I was put through. Her response: “Divorce is a sin. You should go to church.”

I went to a family member about how I was feeling about my anxiety sky rocketing and how it was affecting my everyday life. I was having constant anxiety all the time and didn’t know what to do. Family member’s response: “Anxiety is all in your head, you can control it.”

I use to have multiple panic attacks a week. I would be in the bathroom, on the floor crying and hyperventilating and just hoping to die so the sadness ends. I just needed to be reassured that I wasn’t alone and just to have someone there with me. Instead I was told: “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you freaking out?! I am going to call the cops if you don’t stop.”

When I was struggling in all ways possible and just needed advice, I went to a family member about everything and didn’t get the advice I should have gotten. Family member’s response: “You got yourself in that situation. I don’t know how to help you.”

I was always there for everyone when they needed me, even though I knew I was being used as a last resort friend. I never turned anyone down when they said they needed a person to talk to and I never will. I don’t care if we aren’t really friends, haven’t talked in months, don’t really like each other… It doesn’t matter to me because your life matters. Your feelings matter and your health and mental health matters and if the people who should care most about you in your life don’t show you that, I will. From one human to another.

Thank you. You more than likely saved my life. I use to be in a REALLY dark place and y’all shined light into my world of darkness. You helped me realize my strength and my worth again. You’ve restored some of my faith in humanity. You’ve helped me rediscover who I am and I am more than grateful.

If you love and care about someone, then it shouldn’t be so hard to be there for them. Don’t belittle their feelings or their mental health. Mental Health Matters more than you obviously understand. Its apparent that you guys also have mental health issues if it’s so hard to be compassionate towards others. Actually LOVE your loved ones, or you may lose them… You don’t have to give advice, but you could just listen and remind them of their strength they have and how you’ll be there through every step of getting better.

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I know it’s hard, but you can do it

“This is a story all about how my life got, flipped, turned upside down…”
Yes, I did quote Fresh Prince of Bel Air, because that show is life! If you haven’t seen that TV show, then you must live under a rock or something…

Anyways… So, I am getting a divorce. Yes, I am okay and no, I am not okay. I am okay, because it needs to be done. I have to be able to live my life to the full extent without living in sadness. I am okay because I now know my strength and I know this is right for me. The reason why I am also not okay is because the last 6 years have damaged me to the fullest extent. Things have happened that I have to remember for the rest of my life, like the utter feelings of dread and sheer sadness. (I will not being going into grave details of what happened in the last 6 years because it’s not necessary for anyone to feel hatred or sadness for me or my soon to be Ex. Trust me when I say, I have felt enough of that.)

I was in a very toxic relationship for the last 6 years and even got married knowing how toxic it was. I was belittled, verbally and mentally. I was used and taken for granted. I was betrayed and lied to, but worst of all, I lost my self confidence and self worth and even at one point, I wanted to die. I knew how toxic it was and I stayed…. I gave this person so many chances to change and every single chance I gave, they blew them, but I stayed anyways. I felt unloved, unwanted and like I could never make someone happy. I relied on another person to make me happy and that’s the biggest mistake I ever made. I let someone dictate my life and happiness which is why I felt like I could never leave…

I started going to Utah a lot to spend time with my only Grandma and she helped open my eyes to reality. She made me realize that happiness comes from within and if you don’t have happiness in yourself, you don’t have anything really. I did a complete 360. I made the choice to finally leave the toxic life I was living for so long, knowing it would probably be hard and that I would probably have moments of vulnerability. I realized that I was only staying because it was in some sense, easier. Which is true, in some aspects, but taking the easy route meant misery and regret and why would I want to continue to live my life that way? I DESERVE to be happy. I DESERVE to be happy for my daughter and she deserves to see her mom happy.

Are you in a toxic relationship?

Do you feel like you are belittled, manipulated, used and just feel unloved by the person you are with? Has this person hurt you to the point of losing yourself and your confidence? Has this person lied to you countless time to the point that you don’t feel like you believe anything that comes out of their mouth? Have you given this person multiple chances to change and no change has happened? Then you need to leave. I know it’s hard and you feel like it would be easier for you/ your children if you just stayed and dealt with it, but you DESERVE happiness too. REAL happiness. You need to teach your children that it is not okay for someone to treat another the way you are being treated. You think they don’t see it, but you are wrong…. They see it… Sadly, my daughter and my two step kids have seen a good percentage of what was done to me. I wish I would of left sooner before it go to the point of them seeing anything… I have to live with that everyday.
Yes, people make mistakes, but is it really even a mistake anymore if it’s always happening? No, it’s choice at that point and then manipulation.

You are worth more than you think!

I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life because I was too scared to leave. 6 years I won’t be able to get back! 6 years that I could of been truly happy. Don’t make the same mistake I did and stay over and over because it seems easier. You may not think that’s why you are staying, but why would you even think about leaving in the first place if it weren’t? Change is scary but living 10+ years not truly happy is even more scary. I missed out on so many opportunities. I lost a lot of friends, best friends too. I lost respect of a lot of people and I brought the toxicity into my families lives…

It’s not okay

No kind of abuse is okay. Even though I was never physically abused, I was severely mentally and emotionally abused and these kinds of abuse can sometimes be worse than physical abuse… All abuse is wrong though and you should not settler for it.

You got this, I promise

I have been where you are at. I know the feelings you are feeling. I know… You have so much strength inside of you that was hidden away. You just need to realize it and find it again. You got this. You may not know it yet, but you got this. You will eventually find that strength and change your life. That hurt you feel will eventually fade away and you’ll realize, “Fuck this shit. I’m a bad bitch and I deserve better than this.”

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Being an Empath is terrible for my anxiety

As you all know, I am a walking ball of anxiety. Well, being an empath does not help that at all. Sometimes I love being an empath but when it comes to my anxiety, I hate it.

Pros of being an empath

  • Can pick up on tension in a crowd and leave the situation
  • You know when something is wrong with someone by the look on their face or the tone in their voice and can offer help
  • You feel what others feel
  • Makes you compassionate
  • When I am surrounded by people who are happy, I can absorb their happiness

Cons of being an empath

  • Sense tension within family and try to help even when they don’t want it
  • All the emotions and tension you pick up on causes anxiety and sadness to yourself
  • You tend to care more about other’s feelings rather than your own
  • You neglect your own emotions and feelings because you feel so much of everyone else’s.

I pick up on even the slightest tension or mood change from the people around me. I like that I am this way and can feel their emotions because then I can help them with the issue they are having, but it’s also terrible for my anxiety. When there is drama in my family (What family doesn’t have drama?) and someone is mad at me for reasons I am not aware of, I can feel that anger and tension to the max, so much that it makes me literally sick to my stomach and just uncomfortable. This is the worst part of being an empath because I already have anxiety so it amplifies my anxiety by what feels like, a million.

Tough lessons Empaths must learn to be empowered and healthy

  • You can’t save everyone
  • Sometimes you can’t save the one you want to, either.
  • If a situation is awful, you must get out even if others won’t
  • Putting up healthy boundaries will piss people off, do it anyways to protect yourself
  • Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential
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My Mormon horror stories

This is not a post to bash anyone who is Mormon. This is simply my experiences with this religion. I don’t judge anyone for their religious views. That’s not my place.

I was raised in the Mormon religion. My mom started taking us when we were young. She grew up Mormon as well. My mom’s side of the family are mostly Mormon.
I never really liked going to church. Except for when they had food or did fun activities. Three hours of church is just too long in my opinion. The first hour was for sacrament meeting which was everyone combined. The second hour was divided by age and the third hour was divided by sex. I never understood the point of the division because they taught the same thing in every class…

I always felt so uncomfortable and out of place. You shouldn’t feel that way in church, right? I have some stories about just how uncomfortable I felt. Here are my Mormon horror stories.

Pioneer Trek

When I was like 14, I was forced to go on this pioneer trek where we act like pioneers and and pull wagons in families. The worst part about this was, it was summer time and we were in the direct sun, wearing long skirts and bonnets (Guys wore long pants and long sleeved shirts) pulling wagons filled with camping stuff. I remember almost passing out because of the heat. The leaders of the group selected the families and he put me in a group with people that weren’t my friends. When we reached our camp ground, we pitched our tents and set everything up. I went in the tent to take my long ankle length skirt off and put shorts on and when I walked out of the tent, a leader saw me and demanded that I go back in the tent and put the skirt back on because the shorts I had on were not modest (They were shorts that went past my knees) I told her that was over heated and she told me that she didn’t care, so I stayed in my tent the rest of the night while everyone played games. I was made feel bad about wanting to not be hot.

Meetings with the bishop

So in the Mormon church, the bishop is the one who is the head of the one specific ward. When you become a certain age, you start having meetings with the bishop. I believe like every 3 or 6 months. Kind of like a check up to see if you are worthy and sinning. Well, I had my share of meetings with the bishops. When I was going to church, I had two different bishops, one of which was the nicest man and never made me feel uncomfortable, but the other one did. In these meetings I had with him, all of which I always felt uncomfortable and afraid that I was going to hell because I am not perfect. He asked me a lot of inappropriate questions… Like, “Do you know what masturbation is? Have you masturbated? Have you had sex with another man or woman? Are you attracted to the same sex?” Guys, I was asked these questions before I was 16 years old. Under no circumstance is it okay for an older man to ask a young girl these kinds of questions. It’s none of ANYONE’S business. It’s a natural human thing to have these urges.

Pressuring you into things using guilt

When I was younger, probably from like the age of 12 to about 17, I was terrified of public speaking. I hated reading out loud in front of anyone. The leaders of my church would always ask me to give talks in church and I would always turn them down because I was terrified of doing so. It literally made me sick because of the severe anxiety I would get. One time when I turned down giving a talk, the leader said to me, “You know, God prompted me to ask you to give a talk, so you should do it.” I literally felt so guilty for saying no and felt like everyone looked down on me for it. I was made to feel like because I said no, that I should feel bad, even though I was utterly terrified of public speaking and couldn’t help it.

It’s a sin to be who you are

Another thing that really bothered me about this church was how they taught us that being gay was a sin. I never understood this at all. One who is truly gay or bisexual doesn’t choose to be that way, it’s just who they are. The reason this has always made me uncomfortable was because as long as I can remember, I’ve been interested in both sexes. I remember when I was young, probably like around 10 or 11, I noticed girls in the way that I was told I should notice only guys when I was old enough. My first kiss was actually with a girl. My first sexual act was also with a girl. I didn’t choose to have these feelings, they were just there.It’s who I am, but I always felt guilty. I was told that if I had these feelings towards the same sex as me, that I needed to speak with the bishop and repent. Repent for what? Being who I am?

Always felt uncomfortable

I don’t ever remember of time where I felt comfortable. I always dreaded going to church. A lot of the people I met in Church were fake and their acts completely contradicted what they preached on Sundays. I was always forced to read out loud even though I told everyone that I had a fear of public speaking. I was always forced to participate in activities that I didn’t find fun. I was forced to read the bible and the book of mormon. There was a lot of forcing in this church and a lot of manipulation. A lot of the lessons terrified me. One in particular gave me feelings of fear the most. It was about going to the highest kingdom of heaven. They made a lot of people feel like they had to be perfect or damn near perfect to be able to go to the highest kingdom and be with God and your loved ones after you die.

A lot of fear and manipulation

In my opinion, the Mormon church was created as a form of control. That religion has a lot of rules and a lot of things that are considered sins. They say that judging is a sin, but what they do most is judge and make you feel like you have to live your life a certain way or you aren’t going to heaven. A few months ago, I resigned from the religion (I stopped going years ago) because I found out that they get tax breaks off of every person who is a member on record. I also found out that the tithing money that we had to pay because it’s a sin if you don’t, does not go to what I thought it did and what they say it did. It goes to pay the prophets and leaders of the church. A lot of evil things go on in this religion and a lot of people don’t see it, that’s where the fear and manipulation comes in. People are too scared to see what really is going on. God (If there is one) would not want anyone feeling like I felt being a member of this church.

Being Mormon has caused me a lot of anxiety

I use to sit up at night worrying if I was going to heaven. Worrying if I was a good person and if God really loved me. I wondered what was wrong with me for liking girls. I feared a lot at a very young age. Just recently, like maybe a few months ago, I had this dream… A dream that I actually woke up crying from. It scared me. It wasn’t a dream where I was being chased or someone was trying to kill me… It was a dream where God appeared out of a big white door that ascended from above. When he walked out of this door, I kneeled before him with my face on the ground. I felt so much fear in that dream. Not happiness, pure and utter fear. Fear that I wasn’t going to heaven because I had a tattoo and liked girls. I woke up with tears on my cheeks.

Are you an ex Mormon and have horror stories that you need to talk about? Feel free to comment below or if you aren’t comfortable with it being public, email me directly and you can talk to me about it.

I am an ex Mormon who now is boss at public speaking because no one outside the church forced me to do it. I am an ex Mormon who has tattoos and piercings. I am an ex Mormon who swears like a sailor and drinks alcohol. I am an ex Mormon who has been bisexual her whole life.I am an ex Mormon who is a good person and doesn’t need religion to determine that.

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Why you should get an Emotional Support Animal

If y’all remember reading, I had to put my dog down that I’ve had since I was 16 years old, back in February. I told myself I couldn’t get another dog because the sadness I experienced from putting her down was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had and I just couldn’t bear the thought of going through that again. Well, not having her around hit me harder than I thought. I lost my constant support and my constant companionship that I desperately needed!

I was scrolling on Facebook on day and saw this picture that was shared by one of my friends from her sister. I commented on it saying I want one only to be crushed minutes later when I realized that the original poster lived in another state. I was so sad and just so disappointed. My faith in humanity however was restored minutes after I was crushed because the original poster, (Her name is Shalee) said that she would bring me one. LIKE DRIVE UP HERE AND BRING ME ONE. Yeah, I pretty much balled like a baby after that.

Story Time:

Shalee rescued these puppies from someone’s backyard because they were being severely neglected. They had fleas and ticks all over, sores all over and didn’t have any hair when she rescued them. She literally jumped the fence into someone else’s backyard and took all the puppies and nursed them back to health.

She told a complete stranger that she would bring them a puppy. Like who does this kind of stuff? She definitely restored my faith in humanity, that’s for sure. about three weeks later, she really did come up here and bring me a puppy.

Her name is Peanut and she’s about 18 weeks old right now and she’s a mix between a Terrier and German Shepard. She is the happiest , most playful little puppy ever, but she isn’t like most puppies I’ve had. She sleeps when I sleep even if it’s taking a nap. She follows me EVERYWHERE and I take her pretty much everywhere. She gives kisses on command and is getting really close to being able to shake on command.

Registered as an emotional support animal

I registered Peanut as an ESA so that I would be able to have her as that constant support anywhere I go. Let me tell you, for being a puppy, she is already so intelligent. She knows when my anxiety is getting high because she’ll jump on my lap. When I have panic attacks, she’s instantly right beside my side. We do pretty much everything with each other by our sides.

Why you should have an Emotional support animal

  • They reduce anxiety:  Pets reduce the feeling of uneasiness and act as a source of comfort They reduce anxiety
  • Healthy distraction: Those suffering from a mental illness often need a healthy distraction to keep them from feeling down
  • Constant company: Prevents people from feeling lonely and isolated
  • Reduces stress: Playing with your ESA has been known to reduce stress
  • Emotional support: Pets are intelligent creatures that positively impact the psychological state of their owners by offering compassion and reassurance.

Peanut is the best little puppy and so behaved for being a puppy. She’s not too fond of me folding laundry though, she’d much rather lay in it.

Thank you again, Shalee for giving me my little companion. I don’t know what I would do without her.

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Just a hobby I picked up and now am OBSESSED with

Yes, I’m still alive. I know, I’ve been MIA for a while. Depression hit me hard and I couldn’t get myself to do much of anything for the last 3 weeks. All I wanted to do was sleep and cry. I am feeling somewhat better now, at least enough that I can function. During those three weeks, I picked up a new hobby that I became obsessed with. My friend, Gina (Author of Work in Progress), and I were at a park one day with our kids and she found a painted rock. I asked her why it was painted and what the point of it was and come to find out, painting rocks and hiding them for others to find is actually a big thing. She added me to Painted rock groups on Facebook and that’s when I really started getting into it. 

My sister, Ashlee and I went to the park one Sunday after I had told her about the hidden painted rocks. Once she found her first rock, she became obsessed too. Since then, we’ve painted over 20 rocks all together and will be hiding them around our town for others to find and enjoy. 

Here are our rocks, some we found and most we painted. 

Here are the ones we found. My three year old actually found the two pickles and the monster ones. She is just as obsessed with searching for rocks as I am.

Here are some reasons why I love painting/hiding/finding rocks:

  • I have found it helps keep my anxiety under control
  • It lets me be creative
  • Finding and hiding rocks gives me exercise
  • It gets me out of the house
  • It’s fun to get to know new people who love it just as much as you do
  • Best of all, it’s pretty much free (except for buying the paint, but looking for rocks is free)

I never knew about this until Gina told me. I guess it’s actually a big thing everywhere. I am now in 6 Facebook groups for painting and hiding rocks. I’ve even found rocks that came from different states, which is pretty cool!

If you think this sounds like a fun hobby, search for painted rock groups on Facebook in your area.