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Blogging is my mental outlet

I’ve been blogging for almost 7 years. I blog about everything under the sun of motherhood and everyday life. I blogged when I was married, when I was pregnant, when I became I mom, when I separated from my ex, when I was emotionally and mentally damaged, when I was lost, when I realized my worth when a life event happened…. Everything, I blog about everything. Mental health is my main subject as I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and panic disorder. Blogging is my outlet, a way for me to release my anxiety in a healthy way.

Why do people have to ruin it for me?

A few weeks ago my ex (Father of my daughter) came to visit our daughter (he lives in a different state for better work). Him and I get along and are civil with each other. He stays with me and my boyfriend when he comes out. Him and my boyfriend also get along very well. My ex also has a daughter with someone else that lives in my state whom I use to be friends with. He goes and spends time with them too, as he should. He came back one night and proceeded to ask me this…”Do you write about me on your blog?” I responded with, “In a way, yes, but my blog is about me and my life, not to bash anyone. Why do you ask?” He then told me that the mother of his first daughter told him that I write about him and her in my blog, but she told him in a way as if I were bashing them.

Back story

My marriage with my ex was never good, right from the beginning. He knows the things he did and how he treated me. He knows why our marriage ended. He also knows who all had a hand in our marriage ending, but him and I are still CIVIL. Him and I are still respectful to each other. Just because him and I can choose to be that way with each other now, doesn’t mean that what happened in the past didn’t have a huge effect on me. It shattered me. Things that happened literally broke me into a million tiny pieces and my ex friend, (his first daughters mother) was part of the reason why I was shattered.

Fast-forward

I don’t write about anything to just bash someone. I write about what’s hurt me, what I did, what I should have done and what I’m doing now to better my mental health. My ex tried to tell me that I shouldn’t write about the past, but the past made me who I am. The past is why I’m so broken and he is a part of why I’m broken. I write to address my anxiety and to channel it into something else, something that someone can read and relate to and not feel alone like I do all the freaking time. I write to bring awareness to all things mental health and what causes mental disorders.

I just don’t get it

There are SO MANY reasons I’m not friends with her anymore but none of those reasons are worth listing. All I’m trying to do is heal myself after so much betrayal and heartache that I carried for YEARS. All I’m trying to do is have a healthy outlet for my anxiety and depression. Why does anyone want to ruin that for me? I don’t air my dirty laundry here. I don’t air anyone else’s dirty laundry here I don’t call out people specifically and I definitely don’t try to ruin anyone else’s outlets.

I deserve peace

After all I’ve endured and put up with, ALL I’M TRYING TO DO is have some well NEEDED PEACE that I didn’t get for years. I just need calm in my life. I deserve it after what I was put through with just them two, alone.

No grudges or hate

I’m not holding grudges against anyone. Holding a grudge hurts me more in the end anyways. I just let go of people that hurt me and were continuing to hurt me. I have that right. They can choose to be bitter and talk ill about me because I made a necessary choice for my life, that’s on them. What they should do is accept it, realize it, let go and move on. Let me have my outlet and stop trying to cause issues in my life.

I will continue

I will continue my blog as I have been. I will continue my healing and I will also continue with raising awareness of mental health and any kind of abuse because neither of those should ever be taken lightly. Sometimes you have to talk about what hurt you to get past it.

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So.Many.Triggers.

I know I am not consistent with posting, I haven’t been consistent for a while and it’s because my life is pretty inconsistent, but as I am all up in my feels and my anxiety filled thoughts tonight, I thought this would be a good opportunity to post about it.

Have you ever been in a relationship so mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive that when you finally get out of it, it still feels like you’re living through it even though you aren’t? Do you have triggers that instantly throws you in a flashback to where you remember the smell, the sound, if it was hot or cold when the traumatic thing took place? I have a TON, so I thought I would share them in hopes that maybe it would relieve some of the anxiety I feel on a daily basis because of them.

Trigger number one

Coffee. Yep, the smell of coffee is one of my triggers. One of my ex’s made coffee all the time… He also used to degrade me all the time so my messed up brain now apparently correlates the two so when I smell coffee, I’m instantly thrown into a flashbacks of when I was degraded to the point where I felt like nothing. The worst part of it is, I like coffee and I like the smell of it.

Trigger number two

My ex would spend soooo long in the bathroom and at first I thought it was just because of his stomach problems… Later I found out that he would take his phone in there and hide the fact that he was texting other women. He knew that I wouldn’t bother him in there so I guess he figured that was a good place to plan to cheat on me. Totally sucks for my boyfriend now because he also has stomach problems and takes his phone in there but I know he’s not doing what my ex did… Still a trigger of mine though.

Trigger number three

My ex would fall asleep on me on purpose when I was upset about something just so he didn’t have to hear it… I felt so alone and so unloved to the point that I often wondered why I was still even alive. Again, sucks for my boyfriend now because when he does it, even when I’m not upset about anything, I instantly panic. All those feelings of feeling unloved instantly come back even though I know my boyfriend I have now loves me.

Trigger number four

Any change in tone when my boyfriend is talking to me instantly triggers me and I become very defensive…. It triggers such horrible flashbacks for me… When my ex didn’t like what I had to say, it would always end in him yelling at me, degrading me, calling me names and to the point where I would hide in the bathroom panicking to the point where he would just come find me to degrade me more by calling me crazy and threaten to take my daughter away because I was panicking due to him.

Trigger number five

Clutter and disorganization is also a trigger for me… When I was with my ex, I would always clean everything… I would make sure everything was in it’s right place… When he couldn’t find something he wanted or needed, it would put him in a crap mood that of course he took out on me… One of the worst memories I have was when one morning he was looking for his wallet and he couldn’t find it and was swearing and yelling so I told him I would help him find it and then asked him where was the last place he remembers having it and his response was so disgusting…. He said, “I don’t f*cking know you stupid c*nt!”

Trigger number six

When they want to hang out with their friends… Once again, this sucks for my boyfriend. I would never tell him he can’t or that I don’t want him to but it is one of my triggers that gives me severe anxiety. My ex would tell me that he’s going to a friend’s house when really he would go out and gamble or cheat on me… Or both at the same time with a cocktail waitress that knew me.

Trigger number seven

Gas stations… I know, an odd trigger, right? Of course there is a messed up reason for it. My ex went to gas stations every day before and after work for what I thought was just drinks… Come to find out, it was because he got the attention of other women in said gas stations he went in. Here’s the best part… One of the gas stations he would go into (his favorite one), I went in with him sometimes and there was this woman who worked there who complimented his wedding ring and thought it was awesome (it was camo) and she even complimented mine because it matched… I found out weeks later that he gave her his number and they started sexting some really nasty things… Our daughter was only 4 months old at the time.. which leads me to….

Trigger number eight

Being pregnant is a trigger for me. Yes, I just recently had my second baby with my boyfriend now, but let me tell you… The amount of anxiety and panic I had during that pregnancy was enough to make a therapist question their career choice. When I was pregnant with my first, I still did everything alone… I went to all my appointments alone and most of her doctors appointments alone…. I took care of her for the first year and half of her life (when it was the hardest and I was so sleep deprived and depressed) alone. I did all the hard shit alone…. While he let me do them alone…

Trigger number nine

Looking at my bank account is a trigger for me… Even though I know how to manage money and save, I still get severe anxiety looking at my bank account…. My ex always had to have money… When I made sure all the bills were paid and there was food in the house and gas in the cars, sometimes we’d be left with little to no money and my ex hated that. He hated not having money for himself even though I never got money for myself… He would ask me to check the bank to see if we had any more for him to get cigarettes or something for him, I usually ended up telling him no because I paid all the bills… I had to deal with his anger and bad moods all the time because of this…. He always made us late on bills because of this.

Trigger number ten

This one’s a big one for me… Getting remarried is a huge trigger for me. I was with my ex for 6 years and 4 months and married to him for 3 years and 11 months. I’ve been separated from him since 2019…

I was 6 and a half months pregnant when him and I got married… At our reception, he got at drunk and dropped a full beer bottle on my foot and bruised my toe so bad that my nail almost came off, of course he didn’t remember doing that… When we got home the night, we were opening our gifts and he got mad about something and yelled at me and said, “I shouldn’t of married you.”

As much as I want to marry who I’m with now because he’s literally everything I’ve wanted in a partner, my brain correlates the thought of getting remarried to all of the toxicness that I had during my first marriage.

I am so beyond damaged

I am so beyond damaged. I know part of it is own my fault because I allowed the toxicness to go on for so long but I think maybe it was because that I loved that man with every fiber of my being, I love him so hard that I looked past every red flag that was literally thrown in my face. I hid what was really going on so no one would think bad of him….

What I realized though, is the fact that none of that is love. I don’t think I did any of those things just out of love as much as I did out of fear… Fear that he would take my daughter away from me. Fear that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Fear that no one would want me after this because of how broken I was.

Hello, my name is Jessie and I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD due to a very emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive past relationship. I am not perfect in any means but I have a big heart. I am anxiety-filled all the freaking time and I have so many triggers I’m shocked that people don’t run the opposite direction when they get to know any bit of who I am. Bathroom floor feels like my safe spot when I panic. I also lose so much hair because of the constant stress I have due to my anxiety.

If you have read this far, thank you for actually caring about me and not not running the opposite direction.

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My 4 year old daughter is an empath and it scares me

As my daughter got older, I started to recognize a lot of her empathic traits. She notices things about people that other kids her age don’t. She’s very observant of others body languages and how they talk. She knows instantly just by looking at someone that they’ve had a bad day or that they are sad, especially me. She picks up on my emotions instantly.

Being an empath is a special gift

I’m an empath and super feeler and so is my mom and my grandma and now my daughter is. I love that I can pick up on others emotions by just looking at them or how they say something or even just how the breath. I love being able to feel what the feel so I can help them.

I also really love that I can pick up on someone’s energy. If I pick up on bad energy from someone I’m first meeting, that lets me know I need to be cautious. Yes, they might just be having a hard day and that’s why there’s so much negative energy, but some people are just negative people and will drain you of your positive energy.

Why my daughter being an empath scares me

Being an empath has taken a real mental toll on me. Empath’s not only pick up on others emotions and energies, they take them on and actually feel what the other person is feeling. I could be happy one day and come in contact with someone who isn’t and their energy is off and then I’ll feel how they are feeling.

Doing this for so many years of my life has worsened my anxiety and depression. Picking up on someone else’s emotions can literally cause me to have a panic attack and trust me, it has. Someone who is so negative about everything has so much tension and being near someone who has tension has literally made me throw up.

Empath’s tend to put themselves on the back burner for others needs

More often than not, empath’s will put their feelings, emotions and needs on hold to help others with theirs. It’s just what we do. The way others feel, is more important to us than how we feel.

Putting myself on hold to help others has literally caused me to have a full blown panic attack because I have all this built up emotions and feelings that haven’t been released.

I don’t want her to feel how I’ve felt

The thought of my daughter having the kind of anxiety and depression I have because of being an empath, scares the hell out of me. I don’t want her to ever feel how I’ve felt. I don’t want her to have panic attacks, especially like the ones I have. I don’t want her to feel like her brain is against her like I do.

Being an empath is a gift but also a curse.

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Guess who’s back? Back again.

OH MY GOD, I’M STILL BLOGGING. Yes, I’m still alive. I wouldn’t say alive and well per se, and I’ll get into that in a bit. I have SO MANY updates for you guys and I’m just gonna throw them all in one because obviously I can’t just do weekly updates anymore. *Facepalm*

First things first

Well, after a really hard relationship, I didn’t think I would be in or want another one, but… I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and I’m actually truly happy I decided to give him a chance to see if he was able to break down my walls, and he was.

Second, and this one’s BIG

Well… As crazy as this may sound (and it does sound crazy), I’m pregnant! This is also something I thought would never happen again. I was actually dead set on it not happening, my we’re happy about it and my 4 (almost 5) year old daughter is ecstatic about being a big sister.

What I mean by not exactly alive and well per se…

I’m only a little over 10 weeks pregnant and I’ve had “morning sickness” non stop. I mean like bad! If I throw up once, I’m throwing up the rest of the day. I have felt so sick that I couldn’t even move. It wasn’t like this with my first. I’m also having pain with this one in my hips. I’m having heartburn really early too. This one’s going to be rough. We’re hoping for a boy but my daughter wants it to be a girl.

New things

I’ve changed a lot in my life in the past few months… I kicked al the negative people out of my life and I did that before I even found out I was pregnant. I can’t deal with anymore drama and people pretending they are actually my friends.

Back in August, my car broke down for good. It is almost a 20 year old car so I wasn’t willing to put more money into it just to have it break down again, but I got a new car in September. Back in March, I quit my technical support job because I was being treated like shit. I just started my new job on November 2nd and I’m getting paid $2 more an hour than my last job!

A lot of good has happened but my mental health has actually declined…

Bang pregnant has really taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. It seems like my sad days have increased. My overall tiredness is at its max and I feel like I could sleep for weeks but my anxiety and insomnia won’t even allow me to sleep a full 6 hours.

Even though I know I have a solid man in my life who is going to stick by my side through all of this, I still have a lot of fear caused by my past. My past has left me with a lot of visible scars. There are things I thought I got past but really haven’t and it damaged me more by rushing my healing process.

Don’t rush healing y’all

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made was rushing my healing and forgiving and letting go when I wasn’t ready to. It worsened my mental health. I’ve bled on those who did not cut me because of it.

When I first started dating my boyfriend back in May, everything was going great for like the first month… Then my anxiety and PTSD from my past kicked in and I started having nightly panic attacks with flashbacks… It was every single night. I finally reached my breaking point and pretty much kicked everyone out of my life so I could try and heal with no distractions. Best decision I ever made because later I found out that the people I kicked out of my life were talking bad about me behind my back. I literally lost all trust for everyone again.

I’m not there yet…

I’m no where near where I want to be mentally but that’s the point of healing. I still have panic attacks almost on a weekly basis. I don’t sleep for more than 4 hours consistently a night and my new thing is nightmares. Yup… I’ve been having God awful nightmares that I’ll wake up feeling so scared from and can’t even talk about, which is not something that’s happened to me since I was a kid.

I’ll attempt to be more consistent

I make no promises, but I’ll try to be more consistent with blogging. Pregnancy brain is real this time around and I’m forgetting everything. It also doesn’t help that I have a lot going on on top of my mental health and where it’s at right now, but blogging has always been an outlet for me so I’m really going to try and do it more.

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Forever wearing the cloak of invisibility

Yes, I am referencing Harry Potter, but it’s fitting.

Why the cloak of invisibility, you ask?

Ever since I was little, I always felt like I was so invisible to everyone. I was homeschooled up until 9th grade, so I was pretty sheltered. When I hit middle school age, I made friends from the church I use to go to. As soon as freshmen year came, and I was going to an actual high school, all the friends I made, disappeared like I didn’t exist. This continued throughout all of high school. Friends left me, I was never included in anything with anyone, and insensitive comments were made about me.

It took so long

It took me a really long time to come out of my shell and not feel invisible only to be right back to where I use to be as an adult. I’m interrupted when I talk to most people. People will stop listening before I’m even done talking. Comments are still made that are insensitive, right in front of me like I’m invisible. People will disappear from my life after I was there for them through their hard times.

I’m kind to everyone

I’ve always been kind to everyone. I forgive when I probably shouldn’t. I’m there for people who has turned their back on me. I’m just all around kind to everyone, even those who have let me down.

Forever invisible I guess

Having depression and anxiety makes this worse obviously. I’m the kind of person that will just shut down when I feel invisible. I’ll get stuck in my own head and get lost there.

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Anxiety makes itself present even when you’re happy…

For those of you who have anxiety, you’ll understand this post completely, but those of you who don’t, I’m going to explain what I mean.

It started with the wrong person

As y’all know from previous posts, I was in a long, mentally and verbally abusive relationship for 6 years. I was belittled in every way someone could be belittled. All I remember about the relationship was having moments of being happy, or what I thought was being happy, followed by being hurt in the worst way possible. Every single time. I thought this person was my forever, so I stayed. I thought I was just crazy and being sensitive. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression like 4 years into the relationship, so I wasn’t crazy.

I didn’t get the mental support I needed

I was called crazy all the time for any feeling I had other than happy. I was yelled at and belittled during times that I just wanted to die. I was threatened during panic attacks or just straight ignored. I was looked at as crazy no matter what I did, even though I didn’t do anything that would classify as crazy.

I’m happy now, but my anxiety is worse

You’d think that my anxiety would be better since I’m truly happy, but it isn’t. In a sense, it kinda makes sense if you think about it. Anytime I thought I was happy in the past, it was followed by something that hurt me and this went on for over 6 years. I am truly happy, but my anxiety is says, “Are you really going to stay happy though? This person will hurt you too.” Part of me knows he won’t hurt me and wants to be happy with him, but the other part (Anxiety), says otherwise because of my past.

He’s different in every sense of the word.

The guy I’m with now doesn’t belittle me and make me feel crazy for having anxiety. In fact, he does the complete opposite. He helps me through my anxiety and panic attacks and understands why I have them. He even understands why my anxiety is worse now than it was before. He senses my anxiety before I even say anything about it and is right there! This is something I’m not use to so, naturally I think I’m going to end up hurt again.

He can pull me out of a panic attack

He’s the first person who has ever conquered pulling me out of a panic attack and back to myself. He literally stops what he’s doing to help me. He’s noticed patterns with my panic attacks and anxiety and he’s counteredacted them. When my anxiety gets bad and I don’t want to tell anyone, I stick my headphones in and drown out the world with music because that’s the only thing I’ve ever really had. The minute he sees that, he drops everything and grabs me. I don’t usually speak during panic attacks like this so, he found a way to speak to me. He takes my phone and puts certain songs on and sings them to me. He doesn’t take my music away, but he acts through it.

He stuffers too

He stuffers from anxiety, depression, paranoia and PTSD so, he understands me on a different level and knows I can’t control it. What gets me the most though is the fact that this man has been through some really traumatic things that I can even imagine going through, yet he still stops what he’s doing to get me back to myself. He’s stuffers more than most that I know. His anxiety is worse than most I know, yet he’s got the biggest heart than most I know, even after all he’s been through. He’s so selfless, especially when it comes to the mental health and physical health of others.

Anxiety is real and you aren’t crazy

If someone is making you feel like you are crazy for your mental health, then that human being isn’t your person. If they are belittling you for your mental health, then that human isn’t your person. If they are making your mental health worse, then that human isn’t your person! You are not crazy, even though your mental health is telling you different.