I’ve been blogging for almost 7 years. I blog about everything under the sun of motherhood and everyday life. I blogged when I was married, when I was pregnant, when I became I mom, when I separated from my ex, when I was emotionally and mentally damaged, when I was lost, when I realized my worth when a life event happened…. Everything, I blog about everything. Mental health is my main subject as I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and panic disorder. Blogging is my outlet, a way for me to release my anxiety in a healthy way.
Why do people have to ruin it for me?
A few weeks ago my ex (Father of my daughter) came to visit our daughter (he lives in a different state for better work). Him and I get along and are civil with each other. He stays with me and my boyfriend when he comes out. Him and my boyfriend also get along very well. My ex also has a daughter with someone else that lives in my state whom I use to be friends with. He goes and spends time with them too, as he should. He came back one night and proceeded to ask me this…”Do you write about me on your blog?” I responded with, “In a way, yes, but my blog is about me and my life, not to bash anyone. Why do you ask?” He then told me that the mother of his first daughter told him that I write about him and her in my blog, but she told him in a way as if I were bashing them.
My marriage with my ex was never good, right from the beginning. He knows the things he did and how he treated me. He knows why our marriage ended. He also knows who all had a hand in our marriage ending, but him and I are still CIVIL. Him and I are still respectful to each other. Just because him and I can choose to be that way with each other now, doesn’t mean that what happened in the past didn’t have a huge effect on me. It shattered me. Things that happened literally broke me into a million tiny pieces and my ex friend, (his first daughters mother) was part of the reason why I was shattered.
I don’t write about anything to just bash someone. I write about what’s hurt me, what I did, what I should have done and what I’m doing now to better my mental health. My ex tried to tell me that I shouldn’t write about the past, but the past made me who I am. The past is why I’m so broken and he is a part of why I’m broken. I write to address my anxiety and to channel it into something else, something that someone can read and relate to and not feel alone like I do all the freaking time. I write to bring awareness to all things mental health and what causes mental disorders.
I just don’t get it
There are SO MANY reasons I’m not friends with her anymore but none of those reasons are worth listing. All I’m trying to do is heal myself after so much betrayal and heartache that I carried for YEARS. All I’m trying to do is have a healthy outlet for my anxiety and depression. Why does anyone want to ruin that for me? I don’t air my dirty laundry here. I don’t air anyone else’s dirty laundry here I don’t call out people specifically and I definitely don’t try to ruin anyone else’s outlets.
I deserve peace
After all I’ve endured and put up with, ALL I’M TRYING TO DO is have some well NEEDED PEACE that I didn’t get for years. I just need calm in my life. I deserve it after what I was put through with just them two, alone.
No grudges or hate
I’m not holding grudges against anyone. Holding a grudge hurts me more in the end anyways. I just let go of people that hurt me and were continuing to hurt me. I have that right. They can choose to be bitter and talk ill about me because I made a necessary choice for my life, that’s on them. What they should do is accept it, realize it, let go and move on. Let me have my outlet and stop trying to cause issues in my life.
I will continue
I will continue my blog as I have been. I will continue my healing and I will also continue with raising awareness of mental health and any kind of abuse because neither of those should ever be taken lightly. Sometimes you have to talk about what hurt you to get past it.